Saturday, September 30, 2006

Saturday Morning Cartoons


this morning
i woke up
and found myself
for maybe ten minutes at most
watching saturday morning cartoons
geez, i'm out of it
i realized
having never heard of any of them
'trollz'
'hanna montana'
'suite life of zack and cody'
i remember the good old days
of 'batman the animated series'
'x-men'
'rugrats'
'doug'
and 'saved by the bell'
there'll never be shows like that again
i knew
with an unwaveringly distinct sense of certainty
but as the corporate sponsors each got his 30 seconds
to shill the crap
well, that's when the real sense of nostalgia began
GOOD GOD
i thought
as a tsunami of emotions washed over my awareness
candied fruit roll up junk!
personalized voice-activated journals!
walkie-talkie-ish contraptions!
baby dolls that really pee and poop!
video games!
the sense memories overwhelmed me
with a heightened sugar rush of both joy and anxiety
the neediness of youth
the need to be loved
the need to fit in
the need to understand
the need to be taken seriously
the need to have everything everyone else has
the need to know just what that is
the need
the need
the need
we've all seen 'super size me' enough to know
the damaging effects of child-directed marketing
how many billions of dollars are spent annually
teaching your kids just how much to want that candy
just how much to need that junk food
just how much to have to have that crap they probably
wouldn't have wanted in the first place
but seeing it all there
surprisingly mostly the same shit they were selling
when i was a kid

only slightly updated
it was a shock
a jolt to the senses
a time-travel back to a distant reality
one that was inescapable at the time
but somehow awesome now
for a second it was
truly
awesome
but the thing that got me
the thing that ALWAYS gets me
and WILL always get me
has never faltered
never altered
never changed
no, the thing that makes me happiest
in that far-off childhood world
is sadly
the mcdonald's happy meal toy
and that exquisite joy they bring to me
on this particular saturday
they were hawking 'the little mermaid'
in honor of her dvd release
so, of course this sent me straight back there
what was it?
second grade?
first?
whatever the time
whatever the year
i was in it
for about ten minutes or so
and it was beautiful
it was terrifying
it was time to turn off the t.v.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Filming FIN


after many months
many miles

triumphs
and humiliations

"The Closet Door"
starring yours truly
completed its principal photography
in the Bronx, New York
this evening

what a long strange trip it's been

from hotel rooms at the Embassy Suites in the Financial District
to a rented church on the Upper West Side

from Grimaldi's Pizzeria near the Brooklyn Bridge
to the campus of an affluent Southern University

and from Austin, Texas
to Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx

i don't know where this film is headed
once edited
they'll be shopping it around to film festivals

but you never know
an actor has so little control over these things

at any rate
i'll definitely be getting a copy
so without a doubt a drunken screening is in order
at some point

i'm glad i did it
i got paid
learned a lot
and work is work is work

every experience is a blessing
with the prize being the occasion to grow

i'll never be able to say
that i didn't star in my very own independent feature film
which is certainly reward enough

and i'm grateful for the opportunity

So, That's A Wrap!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Double Defined


8:14 am: Matt kisses me, I begin to Wake.

8:15 am: The alarm Goes Off.

8:46 am: Finally Get Out of Bed, Brush Teeth, Shower.

9:10 am: Shave, talk to Matt (he walks the dog).

9:37 am: Walk to Subway.

9:41 am: Subway arrives.

9:49 am: Train arrives at 77th Street.

9:52 am: Walk through the doors at Atlantic Grill, Change into work clothes.

9:59 am: Try to Clock In, TimePro Reads: GO SEE MANAGER, SCHEDULED AT 10:30.

10:00 am: Decide to use my extra thirty minutes to do napkin-folding sidework.

10:07 am: Begin folding my 3 bags of napkins equaling 150 total (50 for am shift, 100 for pm shift).

10:36 am: Finish second bag, Join the rest of the staff setting up the restaurant, fill five mise en place, prepare Iced Tea, Detail Section.

11:00 am: Pre-Shift Meeting Starts, we taste specials, menu items, go over Service Points, reservations, large parties etc.

11:30 am: Pre-Shift Meeting Ends.

11:58 am: Get First Table, two people.

12:05 pm: Co-worker gives me the postcard for a show that she's in.

12:42 pm: The Restaurant is nearly full, my three tables all include Jewish women, most of which carry shopping bags from Barneys, Bergdorf or Hermes, all of which have Botox-frozen faces.

12:49 pm: I'm bored. Need more tables. Feel full from all the food at Pre-Shift and anxious that I sense the need to be running around looking busy when there's nothing much to do. Standing in the Back Hutch writing this down. Ooh! I just got another table. Jewish women again.

2:25 pm: The Floor is cut down to 3 servers, 2 inside and 1 out in the cafe.

2:39 pm: One of my ladies forgets to give me the signed copy of her receipt, which includes the tip amount. She has not left her table so I approach her and politely re-present the check book. This prompts her to giggle nervously, retrieve the signed receipt from her purse and apologize profusely while saying, "I'm as bad as my husband! He always does this!"

2:57 pm: My second to last table, an older couple, leaves. The lady was very friendly, smiled often, had a hard time hearing and reminded me of my grandmother Ellie.

2:59 pm: My last table pays. They give me $18 on a $74.78 total. You have to love the young people. They understand tipping.

3:00 pm: My sidework (re-stocking hutches) and napkin folding are finished, so I run my reports: This is the elaborate system of claiming your credit card and cash tips, valued guest card totals and daily percentages of liquor, specials, desserts etc. etc. etc.

3:15 pm: Go on Break. Stop into Housing Works Thrift Shop, then an antique frame store, and then Tasti-D-Lite for a small cup of half Praline Pecan Fudge Yogurt and half Black Raspberry Yogurt, not because I was terribly hungry but just because it's so particularly beautiful outside. I sit on a stoop and eat slowly.

3:49 pm: A man walks by with a T-Shirt reading, "I Just Kidnapped Myself. Give me $100 or You'll Never See Me Again" I stare. Then think, I'll take the "Never See You Again" option, thank you very much...

4:08 pm: Get off the phone with my director. The movie I've been working on since last winter will wrap this upcoming weekend.

4:29 pm: Arrive back at work to change for pm shift.

4:30 pm: Sit down at Pre-Shift meeting.

5:07 pm: Meeting is Over. I'm full from tasting Crispy Tuna Sushi Roll, Grilled Atlantic Tilapia and Herb Crusted Seatrout with Birthday Cake for our Director of Operations. Finish setting up tables for night shift.

5:30 pm: Stand around, talk, joke. As the British would say, "take the piss out of each other."

6:12 pm: My first table sits down. The Night Begins.

8:00 pm: SLAMMED!

10:57 pm: Walk out the door, pretty early for a double! Call Matt, he's staying in.

11:15 pm: Drinks with Drew from work.

12:17 am: Say "Goodnight" to Drew. Get into cab, hear "Chris!" being shouted from across Lexington Avenue. It is Abigail from work. We agree to share a cab uptown.

12:27 am: Get home. Take the picture that you'll see at the top of this post in my building's lobby. Kiss Matt. Go to sleep.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

the after-time


the face of terri irwin remains a presence in my mind
her words
her vulnerability

"In life you steel yourself for things that can go wrong."

what a gift her family gave us
what a sacrifice as well

to know
after losing your one true love
that the children will continue on
as a part of the zoo

that in spite of everything
animals can't be the enemy
and truly aren't to be feared

"It's hard now. I'm really trying. But I've lost my prince. I've lost my prince."

what a beautiful spirit
that entire family

they will thrive and grow
with him
without him

They Have To

for the sake of the wildlife
but for humanity as well

"There are times when I weep. And I usually weep alone".

every day is a marathon
every moment is a mile

your souls will meet again
terri, steve

the story can't be over

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

That Fight, That Night


This is a Brief Glimpse of Where We Were
This is how We Will Never Be Again


i'm home
he's out
drunk
calling me
why don't you come home? i say
is it a crime? he replies
is it a crime? he replies
if you loved me, if you cared about us you would be here right now
i'm sick and alone and you're out and you're drunk
i don't care that you went out for a drink with your friends but its late and you're calling me when you should be here instead
i'm not having this conversation over the phone
our relationship is deteriorating and you're out
i'm sick and we said we'd go to the counselor tonight and instead you're at a gay bar
where you met a guy not even a few weeks ago
i don't want you to come home tonight
why don't you just go home with danny or some guy
i don't want to be woken up again and have this fight all night long
if you loved me you'd be here right now
i hope you wake up tomorrow morning and you've slept in late again and you lose your job and maybe that will sink in that you have a problem because you're obviously not listening to me
i don't want to be in this relationship any more

i won't be hurt any longer


I Put This Here
After Much Thought and Consideration
To Show Just Where We Came From
To Show Where We Are Now

No one is Right
No one is Wrong

Every Journey Has Significance
I Can"t Ever Fully Know How Hard It Is
To Work Two Full Time Jobs
To Have To Come Home to a Boyfriends with NEEDS

We Are Great Now
It's Better Every Single Day
One Day At A Time

But That Night Got Much Uglier
Much More Violent
And That Was One of Many

But
It Was Also
The End of This Period

And The Start of What Will Be A Renaissance

Together
Happy
Changed
Appreciative
Aware
Alive
In Love

And Without Darkness
What Is Light?

Monday, September 25, 2006

sick days


ugh
i've gotten sick

nose dry but dripping
sinus headache blurring sight
face feels like it's falling off
and now the sensation that there are daggers in my throat
every single time i swallow

it's seems to be going around new york
just part of the joy of autumn's arrival, i suppose

what fun

i'm taking a few days off from work
nobody wants their chopped salad with a side of nasal mucus

plus, it's time to rest and recover

i'll see you when i'm well

Sunday, September 24, 2006

sunday morning commercial shoot


two hours
a hundred bucks, tax free

we filmed across the street from Radio City Music Hall
as the tourists streamed by

"what's this?" they'd ask
stopping
smiling
pulling out their cameras one by one

what a way to spend a sunday

truth be told
the better part of it was spent chatting
with a middle-aged actress named linda

ecstatic that she'd once been an extra on "sex and the city"
during charlotte and trey's wedding scene and rehearsal dinner

i forced her to tell me all the details
how the food on their plates was either fake or rotten
how the extras were kept in a dingy church basement
how the pay was less than terrible

"Gawd, i wish i'd been there!"
i shouted
"now tell me once again!"...

the commercial today was for an italian cell phone company
apparently the lead actor is a huge star over there
something somebody, or other

the name ended with an "i"
i know that
or maybe it was an "o"

at one point
a group of travelers from italy actually happened to pass by
mouths agape
"is that REALLY him?" the bronzed men asked

"it is"
we replied
surprised at ourselves just a little
filled with a sensation that just may have been pride

these commercials i've done
are tiny
insignificant
just silly really

the only one i've ever seen aired
was the maria sharapova ad i'd been forced to turn down
due to restaurant work

but, first the vh1 rock honors
then celebrity fit club
jc penney
the vma's
samsung

and now italy...

what can i say
they're fun
and i'm HUGE in europe

Saturday, September 23, 2006

what isn't said, what isn't seen


is this exploitative?

to write a personal web log detailing one year in your life
becomes tricky
once your everyday existence wraps itself so tightly
around another soul's

but then
it becomes even trickier
once that shared life begins to potentially unravel

i didn't write during those darkest of days
both out of commitment to our privacy
and a personal inability to make sense of it all

but now
as we steadfastly begin the process to repair
those vast and endless past-days stare at me, call at me, taunt me to profess

there's simply all those Missed Days
where i have to COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT

i just don't know what
or how much
to say
when it comes to he and i

i went to work
we fought
i'd say it's over
and somehow we'd forgive

i'd go to work
we fought
he'd say there was nothing left in him
and somehow we'd forget

this is all that happened
this is all we did

but
if i write about it
the fighting
the screaming
the anger
the tears

then i'm selling our privacy to the faceless-outside-you

and if i say nothing
then somehow i'm dishonest
covering up our truth
hiding what happens in real life
making it look so easy
turning grown love to a lie

in spite of every faith-filled word i've put here
and after every truth i've told

the honest to goodness reality
is that i have nothing in my life i wish to hide

but it's not just my life any longer


i don't know what to do
he clearly matters so much more than a blog entry
a story
a pot-shot
or a jab

but the truth
the truth

in spite of everything
is still somehow all i know

Friday, September 22, 2006

the back and forth







wake up
smile
try
live

go to work
smile
try
live

have a fight
smile
try
live

go to bed
smile
try
live

do it again
smile
try
live

over again
smile
try
live

over again
smile
try
live

and over again
smile
try
live

Thursday, September 21, 2006

amen

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

One Month More


it's sad
but it's time

i'm so far behind with this

and the day to day
on top of The Day To Day
proves difficult
once life steps in

October 21st
the final revelation of
"A Year In The Blog"

but
i'll be back
in time

i will be back

for those of you who come here
but also for myself

discovery lands with the willingness to step away

question, question and you will never know
BE
and full awareness is yours to hold

thank you, to all

the living is what it stems from
your lives are what it's all about

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

ATTACK OF "THE PHANTOM" TOURISTS!!!


There had to be a reason why I've lived in New York City for over six years and had never seen "The Phantom of the Opera" on Broadway.

It wasn't that I hadn't appreciated the show when I saw its National Tour as a child. It wasn't that I didn't have an interest in scratching the title off my list of Old-Timers I'd never witnessed on Broadway. And it certainly wasn't that I didn't attend the theatre on a regular basis.

No. After seeing "The Phantom of the Opera" earlier this evening, I can say with complete certainty that the reason I'd never seen this show was plain and simple, The Tourists.

Scottie and I saw "Phantom" tonight after first losing the "Wicked" ticket lottery and second, not coming up with anything else to see in its place. Though neither of us was particularly dying to see this moldy relic, we both agreed that the spectacle could be mildly amusing and neither minded spending twenty six bucks on a balcony seat.

It was only once we got inside the Majestic Theatre that the sensation became painfully obvious: We were the ONLY actual New Yorkers in the place, aside from perhaps the ticket-tearers and on-stage cast (though even they suspiciously appeared to have been bussed in!)

Further more, very, VERY few of the tourists inside the theatre appeared to have come from the United States. Which is just fine and dandy by me, but also somewhat discombobulating to feel you're hearing more languages being spoken than the Security Guards at the United Nations.

And those few-and-far-between individuals who did speak English were mostly a collection of heavily chaperoned youngsters between the ages of fourteen and sixteen who wore a colorful collection of cowboy hats, zoot suit tuxedos and elaborate prom style ball gowns.

As we ascended the stairs toward our balcony seats we noticed that, as expected, a majority of the area was left unfilled. So, taking advantage of the situation, moved to some chairs with a better view no sooner had the lights gone down.

And this is where the magic really began! I am telling you, the assortment of characters around us ranged from the bizarre to the nearly terrifying. It all started with the shifting, jumping, hyperactive older Asian couple seated in front of us. These two little jumping beans bounced around for the entire length of the show and looked as if they might expect a bomb to go off at any moment. Or, at the very least, had itching powder in their pants.

Next I noticed the constant-talking Russian youths beside us. Now why these two felt the need to engage in a constant play-by-play commentary is beyond me. All I know for sure is that at certain points over the course of the evening this pair sounded almost exactly like a couple of gruff Soviet Football coaches shouting expletives at each other.

But to top it all off, before us sat a fiery-haired butterfly clip-wearing older woman who proceeded to (and I'm not joking) FILM the entire show with her hand held video camera.

Now we all know that I love YouTube as much as the next bloke. And as a result, her filming wouldn't have bothered me so much aside from the fact that she held her large camera a full foot or so in front of her and kept the large, bright viewfinder open while continuing to zoom in and out of the action.

Which in a pitch black theatre caused the effect of witnessing a slightly smaller, brighter production of the show just to the side of my periphery and right out the corner of my eyes.

I tell you, this is why I try to stick to the shows the tourists avoid. It was honestly as if these people had never been out in public in their lives, let alone to the theatre.

When I physically tapped the dyed-red headed woman on her shoulder and whisper-shouted, "IF YOU'RE GOING TO INSIST ON FILMING THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE COULD YOU AT LEAST HAVE THE RESPECT OF CLOSING YOUR BRIGHT-ASS SCREEN SO THAT THE REST OF US MIGHT ENJOY THE SHOW!" she looked at me as if I was a complete loon for even suggesting the idea and pushed my hand away in fervent indignation.

The show was fine other than that. I slept (yes, full on knocked-out slept) through a majority of the dialogue, but woke with a start for all of the signature musical numbers.

I have to tell you though, if you're interested in the story, the characters, Andrew Lloyd Webber in general, or this show in particular... Spare yourselves the turmoil, head on over to your local Epcot Center Countries of the World exhibit or simply rent the damn DVD and enjoy it from the relative silence of your living room.

Trust me, you'll say "Thank You" later!

Monday, September 18, 2006

we're trying...


it's a constant possibility
two choices
Together or Separate

like alcoholism
just one
one
one day at a time

at this point
feelings have been so frayed
so damaged
that the tiniest spark sets off a firestorm

and work, work, Work is required
to get us back on track

but
We Want To
together

and we need to believe that we can

we're trying...

for somehow
in spite of everything
i have to believe in
this / that / our

possibility

i have to believe in our love

Sunday, September 17, 2006

it's over.


it's over
it's repairing
it's back off again

we've been breaking up and apologizing
in a million different ways
over the course of this past month

writing has been difficult
clearly
because i've never had the desire
to say too much too soon

but
the sad truth
is that this is the sad truth

and i cannot hide behind these faux-blogs any longer

i loved matt
very much
but so much more is needed
when it comes to one plus one


finger pointing is an ugly game
and i won't allow what we've shared to devolve into that

we are adults
we will both survive
this has happened a billion times before


i'm really sad


matthew is a wonderful, wonderful man
we simply no longer function as one

this too shall pass

it has to

it has to

and life will come again

Saturday, September 16, 2006

the awful, awful afterthought


i don't know where i'm living
i don't know where to go

stay alone, and live here with these ghosts
stay, and perhaps find a friend to join

move, and leave him sleeping here himself
move, and sublet all to anyone

stay...
stay, with him
and try, try, try to try

This Isn't Working

there's no other way around it

this isn't working
i've done all i can do

i won't demean what we have built
in these past fifteen months
with sordid details to the nameless you
but
needless to say, something has shifted
something has possibly died

open communication, honesty
can only work when two of you want it
love cannot continue when one has given up

there is anger beyond anger
hurt beyond the hurt

there are words not said that kill us
there are said words, do the same

i am heartbroken, sad and angry
and i hold it all inside

the walls of this home
shift back and forth
from ours to theirs to no ones

one moment
possibility in picture frames
the next
reminders of the dead

movers
and
brokers
and
sublets
and
loss

changes
and
sadness
and
regret
and then
cost

there is no clear path before us / me
there is no clear answer there

i hear from each and every person
"i don't know what to tell you"
"i don't know what to say"

is it space we need?
or connection?
is it forgiveness?
is it through?

i cannot answer that for anyone
but myself
i cannot answer that for YOU

Friday, September 15, 2006

running to yourself, staying put


words, doubt, caution, anger, release
fill me
empty me
leave me without breath

"what can i do?"
"relax"

"how can i try?"
"relax"

"what do you need?"
"relax"

the body doesn't relax on its own
not when its been forced to
not when it needs more

two components are needed
two open pathways

the effort of more than one

every fiber of my being says run
RUN!
RUN!
RUN!
RUN!
RUN!
RUN!
RUN!

the sensible portion of my mind
the only thing holding me back
remains

and then
every morning like clockwork
the heart reawakens to a possibility of you
of us
and what we used to be


this is so hard


sparks don't reappear alone
often they're accompanied by fury
anger
disappointment
regret

they come with need
or expectation
beside the promise never granted

we are trapped
the two of us

within these walls of green and mauve
beneath these rules of life and love

Thursday, September 14, 2006

that face


on my way to work this afternoon i passed a woman
whose face had been so mauled by plastic surgery
that she practically ceased to look human

face tight, but scarred and lumpy
lips full, but swollen and disfigured
eyes nearly pointing out of the sides of her head

messy, ravaged, misplaced cartilage
resting there like parasites
the whole whole knowing that she'd done this to herself

she looked awful
and sad

and i couldn't help but question why it seems so difficult these days
for people to grow older with a little bit of grace

but
while i can't imagine altering myself beyond recognition
the thing is that i do get it

recently i read a quote
from stunning british actor rupert everett, no less
that as a gay man in his late forties
he feels all but invisible to the world around him
going as far as to say
(and i paraphrase)
that if someone were to light him on fire in a gay bar
the boys beside him wouldn't notice any further than to light their cigarettes off the flame

and it's true

culture
gay or otherwise
thrives and relies on youth

actors have an expiration date
women have an expiration date
gays have an expiration date

not that it's an ending point for your importance in the world
for your ability to make a difference
a life change
or a new discovery

it's simply an ending point for being noticed
by others
in that way

and it's sad to see these faces
barely human
unrecognizable
nothing like the way they were before

the nose that was perhaps a touch too large
the face that had weathered some with age
their character
their integrity
their beautiful, beautiful imperfections
gone

i'm not there yet
so i shouldn't judge
but i just feel that
every wrinkle is earned

and if you hate the way you look on the outside
to the extent that you'd allow strangers to cut your face apart
then no matter what your age
consider looking inward first
just as a first step
and really invest in checking in with who THAT person is

because they probably don't want to look like an alien
or a person with cat eyes, inflated lips and half a nose

that person might just be grateful
being exactly the perfect face
in exactly the perfect way
that they were shaped to be

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Listen to the Lullaby of Old Broadway

Taboo



Wicked



Cabaret


THIS is amazing.
THIS i love.

You can seriously all thank me later.
YouTube is incredible!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

just B


justin timberlake's second solo album is released
on the same day
that britney spears gives birth to her second child

this world is a strange and magical place
and choice is the driving force

Work or Life

choose one
the other
or a fraction of each
because you'll likely never have it all

who should be more proud?
who's accomplished more?

the question is impossible to answer
for we can never know which path is right for those we used to love

but
after all their time together, isn't it amazing?

The Exact Same Day

the thing is that
it's not these two celebrities that interest me at all
but rather
i'm enthralled by just how far our lives can take us
from where we used to be

and just how far our lives could take us
from where we sit right now

birth and release
conception or creation

congratulations to both
on their very special day(s)

Monday, September 11, 2006

wake me up when SEPTEMBER ends





September 11, 2006

i returned to washington square park today
to the exact location where i watched the tower fall

i stood there this afternoon
beside one of my best friends in the world
i stood there
after a day of cautious laughter, lunchtime, napping and stores
i stood there
in that very same spot

the attacks on the u.s. that occurred on september 11, 2001 have nothing to do with me
my feelings have absolutely little to no worth

it was a national tragedy
and every person i knew survived

but standing there on that day five years ago
and seeing thousands gone in the blink of an eye

the largest movie set in the world
unspeakable, no words
the unbelievable unbelievability of it all

standing there on that day
i'd never felt more alone

the city was crashing down around us
and i would go down with it
silent
with not one soul beside me

but
somehow i survived
and did not stand alone today
because she was there beside me

here we are world, thriving
god is great
god is good


September 11, 2002

... I would not have remembered September 11th, 2001 today had it not been for the horrific tragedies in Downtown Manhattan, at the Pentagon and in that Pennsylvania field. I would have gone to school. Maybe learned a thing or two. But I would have forgotten it by now. I would have probably walked home, maybe seen a friend, probably I would have ordered sushi and eaten alone.

However, I never made it to class that day. Instead I stood, and from only a mile away watched nearly 3,000 people die. I'm afraid they were just too far away to see and just too close to forget. The memory that stands out the most is the feeling of isolation, of total fear and loneliness. That walk back to my dorm at Union Square from the park in Washington Square might as well have been 9 miles. I held onto myself because there was no one else to hold onto, no one to hold onto me.


September 16, 2001

... I've wanted to write in my journal, capture every single fucking detail. I've carried this book everywhere with me but all I do is look at it. It's hard to make myself write. It's hard to ponder the effects this will have on the city. Will this place ever be the same? Has New York City, in losing its face, lost its luster, its spirit? How many people have died? What will happen to business? Will the city ever look the same? Are we really going to war? Questions swim in my head along with all the other crap. I don't know that I've thought in a complete sentence since any of this happened.

I don't know, I kind of just want to go home. I won't leave this city but I don't want to be here either. I find myself mad at everyone in my life, mad at myself. I have no motivation, nothing to drive me. I feel emotionally drained, lifeless. There is no feeling yet everything is heightened.

I pray for those that died. I especially PRAY for their families. I pray for my family a lot and every now and then, I pray for myself. PRAY that I can get through all this. That this does not break me. I find myself praying all the time, which helps me to breathe. Dear God, help us all to get through this. Please. PLEASE.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

five years ago today...


the beginning of sophomore year
and the ending of my job at 'the lion king' the broadway musical

class
scottie
ryan, lauren, brad, ash, aaron, paula, addison, james
the atlantic theatre company

and tonight
september 10, 2001
tickets to the sold-out michael jackson tribute concert at madison square garden

a goodbye to innocence
one last true party

go to bed peaceful little one
you are not alone
it's the end of the world as we know it come morning.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Little Mister Sunshine


I'm gathering that pretty much every person savvy enough to have read a blog is savvy enough to have already seen and developed an opinion on the film "Little Miss Sunshine."

That said, if you have not seen this movie, and have any innate desire to smile, please do yourself a favor and watch it.

"Little Miss Sunshine" tells the story of six people, all related by blood, and is as beautifully honest and revelatory a film as is imaginable. It is also a wholly uplifting artistic experience.

From the opening shot, and the brief character-developing vignettes that follow, we are immediately drawn into this world and completely on the side of these six misfits. As a result we want more than anything to see them each succeed.

But what's particularly amazing, is that over the course of the film we begin to realize that success has very little to do with winning in the literal sense. And that instead, success is actually defined by the people we are.

By character. By trying. Trying to win, to provide, to coach, to endure, to love, and if nothing else, to live.

We all very much need to believe that somehow we're not losers. That in spite of everything, even we have our own cheering section.

Five other people who will set their lives aside for us. Five other people who will stand up when the world finds us ugly and unworthy. Five other people who will tell us that they love us whether we win or lose.

And amazingly enough, we do. Sometimes it just takes a little push...

Friday, September 08, 2006

slow train home


as i head home
via mass transportation

i hit a cut-off
an ending
a stopping point

77th Street
is where i enter from work

86th
on and on upward

96th arrives
and then a sudden shift
as nearly every caucasian exits

except for me

it's just myself
and the latinos
the african americans
the tired
the fed-up
the proud

it's me
the sore thumb
standing out like some lone star in the vast and endless sky

i don't particularly like living up here
i can feel the racism growing inside of me

not racism towards any particular color
but at the anger inside the people i come into contact with daily

not a race issue
but an economic one

latino music stores that blast their outdoor stereos from morning to night
despite petitions and pleadings from every resident around them

black mothers who scream
"if you don't shut the fuck up i will fuck your shit up and i don't give a fuck who sees"
to their otherwise well-behaved two year olds

hispanic men
who will shout
"i'm gonna kick your ass, asshole"
to the person who accidentally brushed past them on their way out of the grocery store

mothers and fathers of every color
that allow their children to play unsupervised on the streets
well past one a.m.

anger
anger
anger
at all times
from all people
towards every other living being

as if happiness itself should be outlawed
as if optimism from the "faggot" "cracker" boy was an insult to their neighborhood
as if joy were an infringement on their way of life

not a race issue
but an economic one

pass 96th Street and you'll feel it
not particularly unsafe
but i wouldn't say necessarily safe either

constantly being aware
constantly watching how you act
where your wallet is
who is coming up behind you

don't make eye contact
don't smile at a stranger

"what the fuck do you have to smile about, cracker?"
was the response i got from a group of spanish teenagers
after politely, casually nodding to them during my first month up here

i don't like these people
i'm sorry
i don't

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Take A Little Time To Enjoy...






Y'all know I HAD to be there to support my girl Rosie on her first week as co-host of the "The View's" 10th Season!

So, after being first on Stand-by for Ms. O'Donnell's debut episode (and sadly not getting in) I was given the opportunity to come back with my very good friend Ashley for the last episode of Rosie's first week on air!

And just because I know you're wondering, every audience member received...

- A "The View" travel bag
- The book "Debunking 9/11 Myths"
- "The Mom Inventor's Handbook"
- About a dozen of those same "Mom Inventions"
- Juice and Cookies
- And Two Tickets to "The Wedding Singer" on Broadway

What an amazing, amazing day!

Up until the point at the end of the taping when the directors asked the audience to dance around for an upcoming Beyonce segment (leaving Ashley and I no choice but to slip out through the back entrance) we had a Great Time!

She's back with a Vengeance, guys! She is definitely Back!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Alanis Morissette "I Was Hoping"



as we were talking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone
but i need to talk to somebody
you said "wouldn't it be a shame if i knew how great i was five minutes before i died i'd be filled
with such regret before i took my last breath" and i said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die anytime soon"
and i said i haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes
but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain
and yes you're still a fine woman and i cringed
i was hoping, i was hoping we could heal each other
i was hoping, i was hoping we could be raw together
we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you for your business sir you're
successful and established sir and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir
and your money" and when i walked by they said "thank you too dear" i was all pigtails and cords
and there was a day when i would've said something like "hey dude i could buy and sell this place so kiss it"
i too once though i was owed something
i was hoping, i was hoping we could challenge each other
i was hoping, i was hoping we could crack each other up
i too once thought that when proved wrong i lost somehow
i too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you well, i think you're insensitive
and i don't feel heard and i said do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? fundamentally evil?
and you said yes i said i don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said
"well what about the man that i saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid
and she threw a shoe at his head
i think what he did was wrong and i would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
i had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged
i was hoping, i was hoping we could dance together
i was hoping, i was hoping we could be creamy together

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

national hero


steve irwin died

pierced through the heart
doing what he loved most on this earth

passion comes at us in many forms
deep, driving
slow, gradual
hitting you in your sleep like a train out of nowhere

this man devoted his life to his passions
to his dreams

that desire inside of him bubbling to life
as he bravely delivered the exotic to our world

there's just something about that image
of him
in the water
a gentle stingray
the cameraman
there
and then gone

he pulled the barb from his heart
he was with us
then wasn't

how can our hearts not go out to his family
to his wife
to his daughter
to his son
and us all

steve irwin died

pierced through the heart
doing what he loved most on this earth

Monday, September 04, 2006

I Can't

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Catch Up

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Any Other

Friday, September 01, 2006

Way

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