Wednesday, April 30, 2008

rufus, rufus, rufus




sometimes talent astounds

a man
alone on stage
with just the piano for certain songs
and his guitar for others

his mother accompanies him
during the second of his two encores

playing "somewhere over the rainbow"
as her son takes his rightful place
bathed in light

chills
spingle, as rosie calls it
spine - tingle

from the mid balcony of carnegie hall
hand in hand with matt
to the front row of the bergenPAC theatre
in englewood, new jersey

the rufus wainwright concert

jan, my best friend's mom, invited me
"ONLY DIE HARD RUFUS FANS ALLOWED!"
i was informed
"ASHLEY'S NOT INVITED!"

we waited afterwards
jan & i
like teens outside the stage door
of the monkees, tiffany or hannah montana

jan, a gorgeous grandmother
and little old me
both bubbling over with excitement

just amazed and grateful to have been there

there's really nothing like live performance
theatre, concert, conversation even

life happens in the present
"there is no future, there is no past"

try to be there
in every moment

it's easy if you try

just be aware that, "i'm here now"
in this time
at this place

plastered to the chair
transfixed
unable to move a muscle
moved beyond comprehension
by this singer, by the songwriter, by this song

you can dream a moment
listening to music on the floor of your childhood bedroom

and it can really, truly happen
under entirely different circumstances than you'd planned
but happen
in one crystalized moment

a lifetime forward
a lifetime away

Saturday, April 19, 2008

a new earthling


i did a l'oreal commercial

there was an actor playing a photographer
myself playing his assistant
and linda evangelista

just the three of us
on a not so impressive soundstage in brooklyn

i sat in my dressing room
alone
for over 8 hours before i was called to set

in that 8 hours
i read
ate craft service
wandered briefly out into the sunshine
and slept on one of the couches provided

it was all in all
a job like any other
but somehow, so much more particularly awful

being that it was for l'oreal
the vast majority of the higher-ups were french
and wandered past my door all day
engaging loudly and self-importantly with each other
glaring in at me
but never so much as saying hello

there was a production assistant who was sort of my wrangler
and i attempted conversation with the other actor
despite the fact that he was in a separate dressing room

but for the most part i existed in silence
save for the occasional vibrate of my phone
for the entirety of the day

linda evangelista
it can be said
lived up to every prejudice imaginable
vaguely cold
highly aloof
and certainly using at most 14% of her brain capacity

she flirted habitually with the other actor
refused to look at the p.a. when he offered her water
and when asked to improvise an interview scene
that didn't record her voice, only the image of her talking
she opted to spout out
"YES, I LOVE BEING ME!"
"I CONSIDER IT TO BE A PRIVILEGE AND AN HONOR!"
"I AM REALLY AND TRULY AMAZING!"
"I LOOOVE BEING ME!"

out of any and every possible option
THAT is what she chose to say

ugggghh

i left the set emotionally drained and volatile
upon returning to my apartment i kicked the door
and shouted at my dog

it was certainly not the most rewarding day
on location


many moons later
after a fantastic afternoon in the heart of the city

as the sun began to set
and i said goodbye to a friend
i descended the steps of a train near times square
on my short ride home

it was expectedly uneventful
until we'd gone a couple of stops
and a boy entered
announcing himself somewhat shyly but loudly
to the train

he was walking through the subway
reciting poems that he'd written himself
for the riders to listen to
if they so chose

he was black, very dark, purple almost
the bravery he possessed, astounding
reciting his story
with a quiet, inward assurance

i gave him a dollar
HAD to give him something, anything

the second he announced
"i will be reciting two poems that i wrote myself"
immediately, my hand darted for the wallet

he was doing this for money
walking through the train and announcing himself
the same way others sing, do gymnastics or beg
making money, of course, was the point

but poetry?
that he had written himself?
i had never in my life seen this on the trains of new york city
and from a child no older than 14
i was quite simply bowled over

does art come out of dire straits?
out of extreme circumstances?
yes, yes it does

hip hop is art
rap has a real message

a boy
alone on the train
reciting the poems that begin to tell his story
starting to chip away at the layers of pain
revealing the truth inside

and all this happened
after a drunken sunday with jenny on the upper west side

i cannot even begin to imagine living in the suburbs
cities are the lifeblood, the pulse of who we are

all jammed together
so many utterly astounding lives

even when it involves an out-of-touch supermodel
experience is absolutely everywhere

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"the young one starts to paint"


spring, my god

i used to be afraid of the sun
long, long ago

something about the rain
the overcast days
felt comforting
you could hide in a coat and umbrella

i could see the appeal of seattle

but now
wowza, there is nothing like these first warm days

i love it
and yet have to sometimes force myself to join in
it must be easier with roommates

you either always have someone to roam with
or always have someone to run from

either way you're outdoors

for me, my home has always been a kind of sanctuary
even in dorm life, i would nest

so it's sometimes a struggle to get out of the house
when there's always t.v.
when you don't have a backyard
when you know you'll have to spend money out there somewhere

today
i took the dog to central park
the most beautiful, peaceful area
less than five minutes from my front door

she bounced
i walked
she wandered
i read

there was a bunny on a leash
this confused her greatly

it's something
that park
and 100% free

life's going on for me
birthday parties downtown
sleepovers at friend's places
phone calls late into the night

i feel a little silly writing about it
but i went to another rosie book signing

i'd painted her
and wanted to give her the result

she took it
we talked
and later she mentioned this in her blog

life does feel different
once it's happened

i'm reading eckhart tolle's "a new earth"
i really can't recommend it enough

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment."

two yoga classes
and a meditation seminar this weekend

i'm getting there

Saturday, April 05, 2008

"private" service announcement


i express myself
supposing that i just can't help it

there is a need
in some
to get out what's inside

holding it in
feels more than impossible
it feels unsafe

restraint
understanding
the ability to truly listen
comes with age

hopefully we learn
that what's inside of us
isn't always valid to everyone else
and that sometimes keeping yourself to yourself
is best

but
listening is the key
not just hearing
really listening...


i had an interaction recently
with a member of my family

it was unplanned, random, brief
(and worst of all, happened over the telephone)
the situation involved me trying to make him feel stupid
for watching "dancing with the stars"
which i consider to be, perhaps, the root of all evil

i was trying to make a point that
like most reality t.v.
this particular show is a diversion from the fact that we are at war

now, it wasn't the first time i've said this
nor will it likely be the last
but it was the first time i'd brought the topic up to this person
in months
so, i was somewhat surprised to hear his response

"you've got to get over this obsession."
"what obsession?" i replied
"your obsession with this war."

o.k. let's back up just a bit

first of all
i'm a hypocrite
i'm totally a hypocrite for even beginning to judge someone else's
decision to watch
"dancing with the stars"
"american idol"
"wheel of fortune"
or endless professional and collegiate sports coverage

when i myself read perez hilton religiously
while recording
"project runway"
"the l word"
and "real world/ road rules challenges"

certainly we all need distractions
in times of war or peace

but what i have a problem with
is that so many americans act as if we aren't at war

as if over 4,000 american soldiers aren't dead
as if we haven't already spent well over $508,505,000,000
as if we haven't been in iraq longer than it took to fight the civil war or either of the world wars

we are very much a nation at war
and will be paying the cost of that fact for the rest of our lifetimes

paying that cost in dollars and cents by the billions
paying that cost in hospitals for soldiers who return damaged on the inside or out
paying that cost in our destroyed standing as leaders of the free world
paying that cost in the countless new terrorists we've created by occupying a nation that never attacked us
paying that cost in broken families across the globe

i for one believe in the bumper-sticker wisdom that "war is nothing more than terrorism with a bigger budget"
that war should ALWAYS be a last resort
that our soldiers should never be sent into harm's way unless there are no other options

and that, fundamentally, "dancing with the stars" is somehow, inexplicably evil
(ok i may be joking a little bit on that one)

but seriously
we are a universe in love with our television sets
lord knows, that if there is any addiction in my life presently
t.v. would be it

but if we're going to be watching
there is SO MUCH more to see
"intervention" on a&e
"real time with bill maher" on hbo
"frontline" and their two night series "bush's war" on pbs
hell, even the first thirty minutes of "the view" can be illuminating
and just today, oprah did an amazing piece on puppy mills and humane animal treatment

there is war coverage
and other things to take our minds away
the two can and should exist harmoniously

i don't know
i guess to the outside observer i can seem a tiny bit obsessed with this war
but it honestly doesn't feel that way to me

i haven't lost a brother or a sister or a cousin or a friend
i haven't returned from combat dazed, lost, ecstatic or harmed

i'm just a person who wants it to be over
who realized a long time ago that this war could not be won
who wants the world to be safe, or safer, but knows this isn't the way

i think the truest form of patriotism
in times like these
is to keep the soldiers in your hearts
to scream and fight on the behalf of each of them
to not forget, like so many others, that they are still in harm's way

even more, i think the truest form of humanity
is to think about every living soul in that region of the world
each one precious
each one deserving of peace


THE VIDEO BELOW IS A MUST WATCH
LESS THAN A MINUTE AND A HALF
I'VE HAD IT ON MY MYSPACE PAGE FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS
IT CHANGES EVERYTHING.

Interview with Dick Cheney (1994)

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