Saturday, October 21, 2006

A Year In The Blog


it's happened
i've done it
i'm finished
complete

thank you to anyone who's found yourselves here
and an especially big thank you to those who've come back

this is it
that's all he wrote
at least, i believe, for a little while now

writing here
over these past 365 days
has been so inspiring
enlightening
rewarding
and real

my only advice
at the end of all this
is to pick a year
any year
and try to write something down
once every day

or
you could always just come back to this place

cgc182.blogspot.com
(while perhaps not the world's most memorizable title)
will remain as a part of this universe
for perhaps somewhat longer than even we'll see

and it's all here
to be read and re-read
looked back on
remembered

or discovered
by some
for the very first time


i want to thank all of you
and apologize for getting swept up
towards the end of this magical process
i can tell you with certainty that every day was an entry
every single, single day
even if it took a bit longer
before you could read them up here

i hope that these words have at least meant a little to you

i dreamt it that way
and believed that they could

know and have faith that this experiment
was never just meant for one person
but all...

thank you again
to anyone out in the blog-o-sphere

this year is dedicated
to sarah for the insight
to rosie for the inspiration
to friends for their comments
to my family for getting it
and to matt for support every step of the way

"more later."
"if you are ready"
of that i can sure guarantee

"thank you for your time"
"people of the cozmos"
this journey has meant more than you'll know

with love
"-Chris"

Friday, October 20, 2006

just the three of us




i'm glad that this blog is coming to a close
and will be happy to look forward to something brand new

i want to write a screenplay
audition more
start painting
or maybe own my life again

i know that i've said it a billion times before, but i WILL keep writing here
it's just the pressure of having to do this every day
that got to be too much

i love this blog
the discoveries made
the experiences cemented when they could have disappeared
the words
the photography

maybe i'll be be back in no time
in just a week or two
all i know is that tomorrow wraps up this year-long project
but it doesn't wrap up me

so much can happen
in any given year
this just happened to be these 365 days

new jobs
birthdays, travel
an expanding acting resume
the first time i've had a live-in relationship
the first time my family's met anyone i've loved
maybe even the first time that i have loved

it's late
i'm tired
and a new day lies ahead

matt's asleep beside me
with his arm across my chest

it's time to return to life now
and there's so much more, i guess

Thursday, October 19, 2006

to you,


My Bright Side

even in my times of trouble
even when I'm all alone
somehow I know you'll always love me
with you forever we'll be home

tomorrow brings a future promised
tomorrow brings us something new
tomorrow brings me closer, closer
no purpose living, before you



one cannot know the nature of love
without finding it

and cannot know its ugly realities
unless they've spent the time

dating is ECSTATIC, TECHNICOLOR VIBRANCE
love is HONEST TO GOD TAKE-YOUR-BREATH-AWAY EUPHORIA

but, maintaining this takes effort handled best with measured grace
and adult, live-in relationships are the daily, constant presence of that same and certain soul

love isn't always pretty

it's anger
it's disagreement
unmet expectations
and taking a shit with the door open

love is sometimes hating them with all your heart and soul
but wanting, having, needing them once cleansing time has passed

a year ago
you'd gone away
a summer love whose outcome was unknown

and here we are
today and now
rebuilding what was magic all along

the single life is gorgeous
and one i may well meet again
life will take you on a million different journeys
guessing where is not for us to know

i'm not certain what forever means to me
at this time
is it realistic? is it desirable? is it possible? is it fun?

what i do know
is you've changed my life
my matthew

with inexpressible thanks
and love.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

the end of the road...


...is practically here

just 3 days remain
before the page turns
this passage comes to a close
and the next brand new chapter begins...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

receipts from the past


the other day i cleaned out many papers from the past
deposit slips, bank statements
things that weren't meant to last

i saved what needed saving: for taxes, audits, any future maladies
but expected nothing special in the piles of wasted trees

as i dug and sorted through the mess
one pile garbage
one pile save
i began to pull out memories from the long forgotten days

receipts, my ancient history, mostly restaurants and stores
from all the places visited, in all the years before

there was the mundane:
mta nyc transit
jk dry cleaners on mulberry
jamba juice
and au bon pain

but also places long forgotten, nights that came and went unplanned:
blockhead's burritos
the art of shopping sample sale
our old nyu haunts around the clock and delion
my favorite diner, noho star

there were even establishments i had no recollection of
places that seemed so very far:
bon vivant?
bottino?
peep?
and houston market inc.?
i may recall the evenings but no particulars, i think

what got me most i'm certain were surprises from the past
a proof of life lived fully
a sign of life at last

hermes boutique on madison avenue when i bought my mom perfume
double happiness on mott street where i got too drunk too soon

the memories came flooding, inescapable unreal
i could not believe just where i'd been
with fervor, zest and zeal

i want to keep on rhyming
and remember all i've seen
the receipts will soon be thrown out
this, the only proof to cling

there was...
re:ab pilates, when i was on that work-out kick
tower video on lafayette street, nothing left now but some bricks

sci-fi diner within disney, when we ate inside a car
the o'neill theatre on broadway, where i saw a brilliant star

jefferson in chelsea, the night i took matt on a date
a song airlines receipt that says i bought "a fruit and a cheese plate"

sushi roku off in hollywood, where i took a trip last year
the common grounds in fayetteville arkansas, the time i got carded for a beer

cedar tavern in nyc, the date reads october 8, 2002
blue water grill, march 27th '03, before b.r. guest was a name i knew

hue restaurant on charles and bleecker, for ms. ashley's special day
bella's italian down in tampa, on an amazing past vay-cay

carte bancaire receipt from paris, france, i've got no clue what that's from
and then park bar on 15th street, when i knew matt was the one

an old clock-in sheet from vento, where i hosted for a spell
$1300 bill at animal medical center, my dog's leg broke when she fell

there's the sta travel slip from london, where i headed who can say?
and our money just keeps flowing, where will YOU spend yours today?

Monday, October 16, 2006

CBGB GoodBye


last night was the end of an era

the
"legendary epicenter of the punk movement"
"New York's temple of Punk Rock"
CBGB
played its final show

and nobody other than the godmother of punk
Patti Smith
was enlisted to bring down the house

once and for all

matt and i were lucky enough to stop by one last time
earlier in the week
and were sad to see it go

but the music never fades
never dies
never finishes

not punk
not soul
not jazz
not classical

it was the end of an era
that's for sure

but it wasn't the end of us

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Vintage VII


The Final Vintage Entry
Originally written on April 7, 2005


A few weeks ago I took the subway to a part of town just minutes away from Madison Square Garden and only half a block from an ex-boyfriend's old place. It was an area of New York City that I generally avoided yet knew rather well. And still I managed to find myself on an avenue and a street that I'd never crossed before.

I turned the corner on a cool if not miserable late winter afternoon and came upon a truly original setting, something only possible in Manhattan. A piece of magic.

I came upon B&H Photo Video and Pro Audio.

Upon entering this absolute Mecca, I found that the allure lay in the combination of state-of-the-art camera equipment mixed with an environment staffed by seemingly thousands of Hasidic Jewish male employees. And no sooner had I crossed the threshold did I feel more perky than a tulip after a fresh spring rain.

This store jolted me to life in a way that gay bars and Vogue magazines rarely had. It was something about the exotic appearance of so many handsome bearded men. And before I even knew where I was headed, I found myself standing straight in front of David, a delicious young clerk at the Questions and Answers aisle.

Well, let me tell you, this David did not pull any punches. In a case of reality being stranger than fiction, it took him literally no time at all to acquire my First Name, Last Name and Telephone Number. (Technically for B&H company purposes... But as far as I could tell it was solely for personal reasons.)

I was at the store in the first place because
1. I needed a bigger memory chip to store photos.
2. I was concerned about my suddenly wobbly zoom.
3. I needed a proper camera case. (Carrying the $500 thing around in a small black trash bag for the past three months was beginning to feel more than a little ridiculous.)

But now that I was here, I was suddenly, instantly hooked. It seemed that with each fresh question David would ask and with every warm gaze that he'd beam down upon me I, subconsciously and entirely intentionally of course, would use the opportunity to manually re-apply another thick layer of my Burt's Bees Wax lip balm.

And the flirting didn't stop there. Oh no. I was in full attack mode and wasn't leaving without a circumcised and unshaven man. Nope, I needed somebody natural on top but trimmed on bottom.

So, it was time to get down to business. First on my list was the camera bag, which appeared from behind David's magic partition like a gift from beneath its wrapper.

"It seems awfully BIG...," I managed to whisper from below my five coats of "soothing, cooling, refreshing" gloss. Puzzled that the camera bag designed to match and fit my exact model seemed the wrong choice, my boyfriend playfully cocked his head and gave the casing another look.

"Hmmm!" he muttered. And with a deep jovial accent replied, "It is big. It's HUGE!"

Well darn right, I thought... But seriously.

"It seems WIDE though," I pouted.

I could tell David was crushed. "This is the one. Sorry." he said, trying to hide all his pain. I smiled. He was sweet. And really did want to see me leave happy. I guess that the case did match the camera, even if it was a bit large. So after a little time, a lot of evaluation and quite a bit of giggling, we both decided that the case in fact fit. And that size, in the end, really doesn't matter.

"Oh you're so helpful!" I grinned, eyes beaming and gleaming away.

"That's my job!" David replied. And with that it was officially love.

However, as these things so often go, once confronted with the bigger issues, my wobbly zoom to be exact, our relationship took a turn for the worse.

"Touch it. Touch it." I said. "It seems loose, not firm."

And this time I really wasn't trying too hard to lay it on thick. I sincerely wanted to find out if my zoom lens needed repair after months of being thrown about with nothing but a cheap layer of plastic protecting it from the dangers of the outside world.

"Touch it," I tried again.

But my David, suddenly impotent and confused, didn't know what to do with his hands. He was fumbling all over the place. And what it came down to was that he clearly lacked experience in the area.

It soon dawned on me that there would be no magic answer that David could pull from behind his special desk. All that foreplay and no big payoff.

He was really kind to point me in the direction of another Jew who specialized in the handling of zoom lenses, and I will always thank him for that. But when I realized that David couldn't handle MY zoom, well it would never last.

A bit later, as I headed towards the check-out line, I found that despite the demise of the short-lived affair with my chosen person, I was once again in high spirits.

"First time?" the bubbly, round checkout man asked, grinning from ear to ear.

"Yes Sir!" I responded. "I'm a Virgin!"

Oh, I was happy again, flirting away and generally satisfied with my camera case, memory chip and perfectly operating zoom.

That was until the One Fatal Error.

You see, I was just so filled with excitement and glee at seeing the magic overhead railroad system shoot my purchase across the store and directly towards checkout (It's amazing. You HAVE to see it!) that I inadvertently blurted out,

"IT'S JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS!"

Now mind you, in retrospect, the store continued to bustle. Business at B&H Photo Video and Pro Audio continued as usual. But in my mind every single organism in the universe stopped. And for that one brief second this whole entire earth ceased spinning.

Christmas?! In front of all these Hasidic men? Who in the world did I think that I was and just what on earth was I thinking? Oy. I shrank. Mortified. Terrified. Embarrassed at my insensitivity.

And after what felt like a hundred years of solitude I was finally able to manage lifting my head just enough to humbly gaze at the little Jewish man before me.

Would he hate me? Would he scream? Take away my purchases? Throw me from the store? What could this stranger possibly think of me now? And more importantly, what could he possibly think of CHRISTMAS?!

It was in this instant, and very much to my surprise, that after all my flirting and foolishness, the only thing that this kind, bearded figure did (in response to my horribly heinous remarks) was look down at me from his register perched high up above, smile ever so slightly and say,

"Yes, but I don't have my Santa suit today!"

Saturday, October 14, 2006

song for chris garneau




the unofficial record release performance
at joe's pub
for my friend chris garneau's forthcoming album
"music for tourists"
was an exhibit in duality

excitement
pride
sadness
regret

there is talent in all of us
but it must be nurtured
handled with care

success is not earned overnight
albums aren't recorded in just a month's time

i don't think that chris has been working
a day job
for the better part of over two years

which makes me proud
and curious
but more than a little bit jealous

his new album is amazing, by the way

and just what i fell in love with
from the very first chord that i heard

i'm excited for him
for his work
his dedication
his ability to get it all done
with no full-time restaurant responsibilities
occupying eight hour days, six times a week

the after-party
at his friend and producer duncan sheik's tribeca loft
was another profoundly manhattan experience

the recording studio
collection of classic guitars
open bar
bobo types
family members
weed

it wasn't the first time i'd been to duncan's
and certainly wasn't the first time i'd seen chris perform
but there's always that internal struggle
standing by
as your friends receive praise after praise

yet
the thing is
that it's not always all about you
or your experience

it's sometimes his night
her reward
or their great big moment to shine

be proud of accomplishment
in all its varied forms

it will touch him at this moment
and perhaps you in the next

in spite of everything
stand by
quietly
smiling

a living, breathing symbol of support

visit the website at "chrisgarneau.com"
or visit the myspace page at "myspace.com/chrisgarneau"

Friday, October 13, 2006

Brilliance Beyond Brilliance: Holding a Mirror up to the World


Excerpt from HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher"
October 13, 2006

And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.

But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.

And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?

When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.

You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane -which we might look on as a problem- or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.

So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.

I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!

So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot- then the person fucking him...is you.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

HEADLINE



planes crashing into buildings
people losing lives

did this need to happen?
is there a lesson to be learned?

it's terrible
awful
and no more so just because he's a yankee

but
i'm sorry
part of me just feels
that rich men aren't supposed to be flying around in little jets

look at j.f.k. jr.
look at all the rest

i say let life be the rush
the thrill
the ecstasy
let your family or your job be the catalyst that gets your heart pounding

i feel terrible that these two people had to die
and all for a recreational thrill

but
i'm also confused
why grown men need to fuel the flame
of what, at least to me, seems
like reckless adolescence

my thoughts go out to their families
to their wives
lord knows what those loved ones are going through now

but also
may we all have safer travels in our own precious lifetimes

for the sad truth is
that these aren't friendly skies

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

National Coming Out Day


honesty
the knowledge that you are just how god made you
the resounding assurance that there's belief in yourself

the truth will set you free
if it hasn't already

and the most accurate judge of character
comes from the bravery of risking
enlightening the afraid

now is the time to be living
now is the time to be young
change is happening
it is now

perceptions are being shifted
every single day that we're here

whisper it
stash it in your journal
confess it to a friend
or shout it from the rooftops

this is your life
own every inch of it

i'm so very proud
of all of us
of every single one

struggle is inevitable

but i wouldn't change who i am
what i've experienced
who i've encountered
or all that i've learned

for this whole, entire world

National Coming Out Day
is just a calendar date
a conversation piece
a blip on the radar

but your life
is every moment following

live it
live it
live it
forever on your terms

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

11 days more...


just eleven days remain
after this one

the year will be over
finito
complete

from october 22, 2005 to october 21, 2006
"A Year in the Blog"
then this project, as we know it
will at once be no more

i wouldn't have any reason to remember
this time
last year
aside from these archives
these relics, these tales

all i know
is that a deeper calling rang from inside of me
"put it out there" it said
"all of it"

express, exhibit, dissect, discover

i have to say that for a while
in recent months
i was beginning to think that this whole thing would wrap up
with a giant, surprise and shock ending

matthew and myself would be suddenly over
and i'd be writing my final entries from a laptop in london
sorting through the mess
coming to terms with this separation
picking up the pieces of a life that was once again mine

but i won't be in england
not today or tomorrow
and there isn't nor will be a cliffhanger
or trick

this is my life
the tiny, mundane, self-indulgent events of it
no exaggerations or lies permitted

not that it isn't difficult at times
dramatic
ridiculous
as all of ours are

it's simply the end of a short spell of time
the rounding and closure of a cyclical span

just eleven days remain
after this one

then the day to day
of the day to day
is once again
mine

Monday, October 09, 2006

Find Chrissy!


Click on the Photo above to enlarge and look for little ol' me hidden somewhere in the crowd!

It's just like the game "Where's Waldo?" only with New York City's six week art installation "The Sky Mirror" as the backdrop!

And here's a hint, I'm all alone and wearing blue...

Sunday, October 08, 2006

nightmare in daytime


in my dreams della reese died while co-hosting 'the view'

she was there
talking, joking, laughing
very t.v. business as usual

and then
as the end of the show grew nearer
i saw
from the far right-hand side of the screen
a hiccup
a head jostle
the movement

her eyes closed
as she told herself
no
no
this isn't happening

i could see it in her face
the confusion
the denial
the almost would-be anger

this isn't my time
this certainly isn't my place

it was brief, fleeting
momentary

she was with us
before the end
but taken
in a heartbeat

the other women
more or less blur-shapes to my consciousness
sensed the possibility
of something awful
wrong

"a component is not right here"
blur-shape barbara thought at once

"what is this bitch going through?"
blur-shape joy pondered as well

della reese shook herself
the last thing she would do
just slightly

not even a shoulder roll
a tensing of the eyes
her fight before the silence

it was all very sudden after that

a commercial break
instant

but somehow
a re-wire mistake
as the promos ended accidentally
and 'the view' feed transmitted back to earth

yet now
instead of corn flakes
was the madness

a close-up
rosie crying
begging
holding della's head
no! how! no!

chaos everywhere
off-camera

insanity all around them
unseen horror madness

a brief glimpse
back to the studio
live t.v.
the tears and the terror

a death broadcast to the world

showed della reese's eyes
not peaceful in the slightest
but vacant
emptied
stolen all at once

in my dreams della reese died while co-hosting 'the view'

it was awful
but i woke up
and all was still again

Saturday, October 07, 2006

pink is the new cure


it's national breast cancer awareness month

so ladies,
be out there
educate yourselves
get a mammogram
talk about it
know

we must all fight for the cure
and believe in our hearts that it's coming

feed the hope
live the hope
be the hope

wear pink
today
all month long
forever and always

for more information go HERE

Friday, October 06, 2006

hung over-and-over


this was the day that was lost...
this was the day that was taken from me...

after "work"
i headed to ryan's
for some svedka vodka cocktails
and a couple of abc shows

then
cecily and her lady friend arrived
with some sort of sparkling-type beverage
that was almost (but not quite) champagne

driving
in cecily's car
i remember at one point we drove

but soon after
stopped by the ritz for a spell
(no, not that ritz, a gay bar)

but i didn't have any drinks there

then, some time later
vlada
a stoli blueberi and cran for me
many, many, many drinks for ma' boy ry-ry

and a bit later
once we'd made friends with the muscle-man bartender
i partook in a couple of nameless, faceless gallon-sized shots

but after that
i was finished
done

i picked up some pizza for matthew and me
hailed a cab
and called it a night

i was drunk
there wasn't any denying that
but functional
it's not like i had trouble getting home safely
and i made sure to get some food in my stomach before bed

frankly, i thought that was it

but oh no
my body wasn't finished with me
not by a long shot

and now
a full twenty four hours later
i am just slowly beginning to feel human again

i must lack an enzyme or something...
'cause i didn't drink that much...

or perhaps it was that bartender...
slipping me a roofie...
he must just like 'em sloppy...
and sick...

ugh
the price of glamour
is just not worth it

Thursday, October 05, 2006

the restaurant life


the restaurant life
is unknowable

it cannot be counted on
it cannot be planned

a few hours work
and you're possibly rollin' in it

a whole days labor
and ya could end up screwed

i was scheduled a double today
both the a.m. and p.m. shifts

which should usually mean
i walk with a nice chunk of change

but alas
i got the shaft

two tables at lunch
two tables at dinner

luckily, i got management to cut me
at a reasonable hour

but c'mon
a man's gotta right to work here, doesn't he?

$14.90
for the whole day

$14.90
after tipping out my support staff

$14.90
for seven hours "work"

this is ridiculous
insane

i'm going out
to spend my $14.90 on drinks

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

And Now For Your Moment of Zen...


Ahhhhhh... Bliss!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

nip/fucked






rosie o'donnell
as the character dawn budge
on nip/tuck

amazing

that woman
i'm telling you

there are people in your lifetime
that alter you
profoundly
without ever being there

i'm entranced
body & soul
by this character
by this storyline
by her

i hope you watched it tonight on FX

but if not
click HERE for her first
and probably only
on-screen sex scene

it is re-dunk-u-lously good
heartbreaking
profound

and trust me
you will leave changed...

Monday, October 02, 2006

taken


the murder of five little girls
in amish country
today

disgusting
deranged
unfathomable

the mind almost cannot wrap itself
around the reality of it all

a one-room school house
a madman
blood
the parents refusal to board the helicopter
carrying their children

secrets
shrouded
sanctuary

real, unreal, awful

but
also this afternoon
my mom called to tell me
that my dental hygienist in arkansas
teresa
tragically died of a stroke

a wonderful woman she was
a mother
a grandmother
a hard-worker
a friend

so sad
how the longer we're here on this earth
the more that we have to let go

passed
passed
passed

with each one
a pang
a disbelieving
a maturity

and life isn't ever the same

somehow
even the routine of getting my teeth cleaned
by someone i loved so much
is over forever
for good

how, life is fleeting
how, it is all we have

please take it
take it
take it while you can

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The House That IKEA Built


Our third trip to IKEA.

I swear this place is Heaven on Earth.


So, the apartment is now officially complete.

And,
you are all cordially invited.

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