Sunday, April 30, 2006

"United 93"




(Photographs taken by me from downtown Manhattan during the first week of my Sophomore year at New York University)

I wanted to begin with "See This Film." I wanted to be so unspeakably called to action that words would not begin to describe how moved this work had left me. Yesterday afternoon, with a girl whose friendship more or less bloomed from the ashes of the time following September 11th, I saw Richard Greengrass's new film "United 93." Unspeakably called to action would not describe the experience of seeing this polarizing work. Unspeakable. Now perhaps that's getting closer. In fact I found myself unable to say a word during the film's near two hour running length. (It should be noted that the last time I didn't utter a sound during any movie of any genre was potentially before my speaking years...) I just couldn't find the words to give merit to the process of discussion. Not here. Not now. Not yet. Movement itself was, in all honesty, quite difficult. From the second the film began, with the terrorists' morning-of prayer, to the final cut to black my body sat frozen, too alert to move, riveted from beginning to end. Undeniably shaken, tensed, tightened and on edge. The majority of the picture cuts exclusively between the experience boarding and on-board Flight 93 from Newark to San Francisco and in the military and F.A.A.'s on ground confusion, panic and determination in handling the horrors above. The performances are, for the most part, documentary-style realistic, stretched (in my opinion) only slightly during the tearful on-flight phone calls to friends and family members. The director's commitment to realism and authenticity is only aided by the enlistment of nine central F.A.A. and military employees who actually play themselves performing the duties from their shifts on that fateful day. "United 93" is, without question, an amazingly powerful film. And one that only after having seen myself, can I fully appreciate why so many others would adamantly choose not to. "United" handles the horrors of that particular morning on this particular flight with an unwavering sense of humanity, nuance, realism and truth. The exploitation factor simply does not exist within the film. It is, however, the very existence of this film (And by that I mean, The Fact That It Does Exist) that tips slightly towards that of the exploitative. Mr. Greengrass, at his own explanation, received the blessings of at least a majority of the victim's family members. And for this he is wholly justified in moving ahead with his script and his vision. On the other hand, this in no way necessarily justifies the film's existence to the millions of other Americans who feel a great personal connection, fear, anxiety, anger or loss as a result of the events on that early Fall morning. It is all of us (for whom I'm imagining the film was made) who perhaps have a right in addressing that the reasons and motivations behind this work are still boldly and disarmingly unclear. Is it to remember? I'd venture to state that there isn't a one of us who doesn't. Is it to understand? While I now know more about the particulars of the victim's lives (due not to the film's slight character development, but through my own post-viewing research) Yes, but that in no way explains away what cannot be explained. Is it to grieve? To appreciate? To unite? Or is it more to, dare I say, capitalize? To capitalize in the most humane and justifiable of ways, to recreate with "honor," but to capitalize just the same. One cannot discredit the thrill and bombastity evoked by being the first auteur to put his stamp on the definitive horror of our time. To be the first to essentially "go there." Were this a work of fiction, Oh God were it, a film of this style and this pace and this delivery would seem more understandable. An edge-of-your-seat thrill ride with gritty camera angles, a rich and real supportive cast and a twist ending to rattle your nerves! It would be more easily understood, probably even acknowledged as relevant or significant, but surely much of the audiences' visceral investment would be lost. It is the fact that this actually happened that keeps us riveted. It is because the names up there we are hearing and the lives up there we are seeing taken away truly were lost, that speeds our heartbeats and shakes us to the core. A filmmaker and friend of mine said to me a few weeks back in regards to the imminent release of this very picture, "Film is not for the artless recreation of history." Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly wrote, before giving the film an A-, "Do we need to see this? No. There's no right or wrong way to remember 9/11, no shame in skipping the movie-fied sight or prize for those who dare to look." So all I'm left with, aside from awareness and a sense of dread for the three upcoming flights ahead of me, is a nagging desire for the answer to "Why?" this film was made and "What?" exactly we should take from it? "To honor," I imagine would be the official studio response. To honor, yes, to honor the bravery is all it seems we have to cling to when the theatre has cleared and the afternoon sun re-awakens our numbed vision. Honor, perhaps is all we have to make from this most unimaginable recreation of our most unimaginable destruction.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Today.


Light.
Activity.
Rest.
Movement.
Food.
Film.
Friends.
Future.
Quiet.
Conversation.
Knowledge.
Dark.
Still.
Gone.

Friday, April 28, 2006

May Sweeps


Last night I printed off the tickets...
May 5th - 9th South Florida: Tampa and Key West
May 12th - 15th Austin, Texas
May 19th - 23rd Fayetteville, Arkansas

Yessir, I'm headin' down South for the Month a' May and Good God Almighty, I couldn't be HAPPIER!

On the upcoming agenda, we're kickin' things off with the Graduation of Prince Matthew Steven the Second (alongside a few extraneous days at the beaches of his glorious Sunshine State)...

To be immediately followed by the last four days on set in Austin, Texas for the independent feature I'm starring in...

And rounding out my Down South Travels is none other than the final High School Graduation that's gonna be coming out of the Clark Clan, that of my baby sista' sista' Susan...

Big moments. Big opportunities. Big turning points for all. I honestly couldn't be prouder. The only setback is that it just takes a lot of "air"time to make a month like this possible.

In fact, when all is said and done, I'll be spending at least fifteen days out of State this upcoming month. Which pretty much just allows me time to start PACKING again on the days that I'm back here!

Yep. Yep. Yep. A lot of change is on its way. "Now or Never" could definitely be the new slogan. I feel ready. As ready as I can be. And grateful too, for all life's unexpected blessings.

So, here we go.

Life is moving on.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Imminent and Unlikely Return


Rosie's joining "The View?"
No way!
are you kidding me?
REALLY?
ummm...
hmmmmm...
ya sure?
cause i'm not.
alright.
whatever.
If You Say So!!!
only time will tell...
I'm still NOT convinced!
well.
enough of this.
ok.
We'll See.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

look deep or look away


not much to say
to those who don't say back
is the initial impulse
THAT IS NOT THE REASON
quickly follows suit

this isn't poetry
this isn't art
this is life spewed forward
fast
bold
ugly
true
(alongside any other four letter word that you can think of...)

i've been finding myself
wishing
that i had the mind, reason or motivation
to truly SAY SOMETHING
every single day
in this place
at this time
and often, often i do try
but it can seem an impossible task
to accomplish

and frankly
i don't always have the drive
(nor the freelancer's paycheck)
to make this an
editorial
essay
review
or
significant work
EVERY SINGLE DAY

mostly i just stream of consciousness
ramble
babble
whatever
and for the better or the worse

but what has to be reminded
of oneself
i think
when all the little shit
seems so especially "little"
is that it's the
every day
that makes the work significant
and it's the
every day
that makes the time worthwhile

this is not a quarter mid-life crisis
for me
this is just the waiting room
and
what is coming next
as soon as the receptionist calls out my name
is what i'm waiting for

i've got to go now
scottie m is on his way
and it's been too long
between more than friends
soulmates
partners
brothers
blood

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

the winds of change


It's as Joan Didion writes in her memoir "The Year of Magical Thinking."

"Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."

that's it
that's all it
it's all in those words

the stages
the process
the required steps

i'll get there
we all will

the change is unfortunate
the growth
however
is not.

Monday, April 24, 2006

the color green


saw on cnn
just now
that bush's approval rating
has dropped to its lowest yet
32%
of americans have "faith" in him as a president
32%
believe in his accountability, his agenda, his associations
and his abilities
only
truman
carter
bush sr.
and
nixon
have ever fallen lower
and none were able to ever fully recover
from a fall like this
so
as the statistics rolled
and anderson cooper moved ahead with his story
i thought
yes!
to myself
that maybe we were all finally getting it
that maybe now we were all really starting to grasp
the atrocities of this administration's ways
the failures in iraq
the deficit
the ending of stem cell research
the undercutting of science
the attitudes towards illegal immigration
the unexplainable cia leaks
the horrors of katrina
the torture abroad
and
the continued ignorance towards the realities of global warming
yes!
i believed momentarily
that it was all finally sinking in
until
the heart of the story unfolded
and it became clear
that bush's numbers had been dropping steadily all year
not due necessarily to any of the
IMPEACHABLE mistakes
listed above
but due instead to a direct link between
soaring gas prices
and
his administration's popularity
it turns out
that the more people pay at the pumps
the less they seem to believe in this presidency
which makes a certain amount of sense
considering the record numbers and massive corporate bonuses
reported this year in the oil industry
but still
wow
apparently money's all it takes
and green is all that matters
in this modern world of ours
well, THAT kind of green anyway
maybe i just don't get it
a subway card and an extra ten spot for a cab every now and again
is all i need in the world of transportation
things like car insurance and gas prices are a thing of the past for me
so, i suppose that if a car were needed
to get me to and from work
i'd be pretty pissed off too
but still
wow
out of every mistake he's made
out of every life that's been lost for an unworthy cause
out of the seven minutes it took for him to get out of that chair
money might be all it takes
to bring down the King of Corporate Greed

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Rainy Days and Sundays


"Everything that's mine is yours."
i say inside myself
as light begins to slice the edges of the world that i'd been dreaming in
"Everything that's mine is yours."
"Yeah right."
you reply
skeptical smile slyly covering your pain
"Everything that's mine is yours."
i insist
but continue on
out of willful, hard necessity
"Except my life. My life belongs to me."
and like that i am awake
alone, well, with a dog
and missing you
wishing that my life was mine to give.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

You don't write. You Journal.


What is it about the human mind that simply taps into one emotion or another? Out with friends new and old. A particularly rainy Saturday night. A cover band. One person wants to dance. The other wants to listen, not quite but almost sadly. Vastly preferring the sensation of nearly doubling over at a stinging rendition of Radiohead's "Creep" or The Beatles' "Blackbird." The decision between this awareness and that of flailing about to Aerosmith, Bob Marley or Lynrd Skynrd is a no-brainer for him. Not that he isn't enjoying the Aerosmith, Bob Marley (and to a lesser degree) the Lynrd Skynrd, from the comfort of his seat just inches from the stage. Enjoyment can come in many forms. Sometimes even pensive, thoughtfully emotive quasi-sadness brings its own measure of satisfactory deep breaths. But what is it that makes a person prefer this darker place? What causes his endorphins to rush, flush and flare at a song that touches a deeper part, a deeper and intrinsically baser part as well? Is the flail-dance person covering for an unimaginably darker pain? And oppositely, is the sad-like person the one who's truly unable to feel this level of hurt due to the fact that he wants to so badly? Is pushing your unsettled-ness under the table and refusing to give into its charms the ultimate way of experiencing it, at a later time, as its full and overwhelming effect washes over you? Or is it a sign that sadness is not fully understood by the flailing dancer, that it just doesn't exist for her in that kind of way? Perhaps, most troubling of all, is the thought that the dancing is merely a step in eradicating the pain before it's given the chance to arrive guns blazing? Maybe Lynrd Skynrd just isn't my kind of music (ok, this much is certain) but why would I want to spend my Saturday night waiting for that next sad song? The one that at this particularly rowdy, downtown dive comes often few and far between. Clearly, there are no answers to these questions. Each would have to be analyzed and evaluated on a case by case basis. Rambling is really all I'm doing here. Because, truth be told I love to dance. And I believe that it does tend to genuinely make people ecstatically happy. Physical movement will do that to the human body. And rarely does it appear to cover up any sort of deeper emotion, other than the fact that Monday is just around the corner and the night is likely to be over before it begins. It's interesting though, seeing a room of drunken, crowded strangers stop their gyrating and guffawing gaiety for three to four minutes, while the very brave cover band at the foot of the stage attempts to take them to a different place. Maybe not necessarily darker for everyone involved. But different. For you it might be the faint memory of a road trip or that one big fight with your high school girlfriend. For your buddy standing beside you it might be the perfect opportunity to flag the waitress down for another drink. For someone else it could almost touch that frayed exterior of a heavily bandaged nerve. And for me, it just might end up being what the night is all about.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Cherry Blossom Season




Breathtaking always.

Never lasting long enough.

Here and then gone.

No time like this.

By far.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

preaching, ranting, heavy-handed cross to bear


a stranger's question
"My step-son has a site on "my-space." There he says he is gay. He hasn't come out to us. Should I say something or wait for him to tell us?"

a second stranger's answer
"tell him u love him"

this story i will have to write someday
such power in it
such rare, raw truth

the window
into a world soul
no barriers online
no fences there
you cannot hide your privacy
under the mattress, beneath the bed
this place is everyone's
it's yours, mine and ours
it belongs to us all
and is for all the earth to see

with
the discovery of truth
comes
confusion, sadness, anger, fear
and then

beauty

the way it should be
truth
truth
truth
truth
tell it
seek it out
demand it
live it to the max

a story i will have to tell
the 20 year old boy
the stepmother
the myspace account
and the discovery
that impossible, awful, amazing connection
in this lonely, lonely world

i read about a boy a week or two ago
jason johnson
who was kicked out of his southern christian university
(where he studied musical theatre) ...natch
for being queer
they've decided to let him back in to finish the semester
but after that
there is nothing he can do
except find another place to thrive
but
because of this, the school has lost its chance of going ahead
with their $11 million proposed School of Pharmacy
because of the discrepancy between discrimination & public funds

this world can work for you
if you make it
find your place
and life can & will be good

over the past few days
my boyfriend and i
and yes
it should be noted, i still find it scary to use that word
"boyfriend"
me being male and all
(shiver)
so
over the past few days
my boyfriend and i
have been looking for an apartment
and as part of the process
have spoken with multiple brokers
and seen buildings in numerous parts of town
i have to tell you
i was shocked
having looked for apartments in the past
how amazing each broker was
in handling our "situation"

now
i'm aware
that they're all trying to make a sale
('vultures' i believe is the word that matthew used)
and money comes before god in these people's eyes
literally
but they each managed our search
for a large ONE BEDROOM
with an adjoining office space
with the utmost respect, dignity, compassion
and ease

every day
every single day
change is marching forward

i got a phone call tonight
from my southern, christian, republican, lawyer parents
just to wish me
amongst
a happy earth day
and
a happy 4-20
A Very Happy Gay Silent Day
(some obscure holiday i've maybe heard of once before)
A Very Happy Gay Silent Day
they joked
"I didn't speak in court today"
my father deadpanned
"the judge had to ask if i was there..."

what is
would never have been

what i'd dreamed
could never have come true

what will come
would never have been conceivable

without truth
almighty

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

10 Months


Can you believe it?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

GOD-siblings


tom and brooke
cruise and shields
babies both
and on the exact same day

after all of this
after all they've said
karma
a sign
the message
unknown

insane
beyond
insane

unreal
beyond
unreal

the truth
always
stranger than fiction
even scientology-fiction
for sure

congratulations
to both
for their inexpressible blessings

but
let us never forget
to celebrate
expect
and
demand
a woman's right to choose
choose her body
choose her mind
choose her body after her mind
and
choose her mind after her body

because the time to fight is now
fight for right
for us all
fight for right
for women everywhere
fight for right
for those who couldn't otherwise
and
fight for right
forever
for life

Monday, April 17, 2006

how it could be.


life.

ahhhhh.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter!


Hope the Easter Bunny came to all your houses today!

He certainly came to mine!

And his name was Matthew, he had a big grin on his face and, most importantly, he brought Reese's Eggs with him!

So, Happy Easter! Happy Sunday! And Happy Spring!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Vintage IV


This week I start training at the gorgeous Lower East Side restaurant "The Stanton Social," a multi-level, multi-ethnic, experimental shared plate restaurant and bar. Having sipped and dined at "The Stanton Social" numerous times since its opening a year ago, I can certainly say that it is a beautiful and striking addition to the fast and often unwelcome gentrification occurring in New York's L.E.S. But "Stanton" seems to stand out for its ability to feel both original and at home amid its area's graffitied streets.

I'm excited to begin working again and am having a wonderful time thus far. It goes without saying, however, that the process of entering back into the restaurant universe can be a worrisome one. You just can't help but tell yourself, "I thought that I got out of this already, once and for all?" And lord knows I certainly keep shifting back and forth between the, "Yay! Nightlife! Fun co-workers! GREAT money!" and the "am i here again?...strapping on the apron?...so, how exactly did this happen?"

It was due to these ponderings that I kept thinking back to just over a year ago, when I carried my first cocktail tray, bussed my first table and sold my first set of specials. It should be noted that I am in a very different place by now, that I treat this position solely as a job and not as my "life definer." And I'm happy to be where I am. It's not forever, by any means. And it is all part of the journey. So, I'll apologize in advance for this oh-so journalish entry. I promise no "Dear Diary, I think I have a crush!" ramblings. But there is a fair amount of soul-searching, which I think comes with any change.


Originally written in my journal
January 25, 2005

I walked by a mirror the other day.

Not an uncommon occurrence in my life, the reflective surface and I usually get along very well together. But this mirror was different. I looked into the glass while passing by and realized...

I'm a Server now.

Having felt confident, sexy and healthily challenged by a daunting new job and the ongoing responsibility of memorizing an entire menu, wine list and work protocol I, in one glance, was reduced to the size of a breadcrumb. Perhaps even one of the very breadcrumbs that I was learning to invisibly scoop off a table and away from the patrons without their noticing.

I shrunk. It hit me. This is where I am. This is the direction my life has taken. And this was not the way my life was supposed to be.

I was just surprised to see myself is all. I was always the kid IN the restaurants, always the lucky one who didn't realize that he was taking things for granted.

I was promoted, I suppose, from Host to Waiter. To be given the chance to serve at a top rated Manhattan restaurant despite no previous experience is an amazing opportunity. But I looked a lot different once my tall host stand was snatched away from in front of me and then replaced with a tray loaded high with tap water and cheap champagne. It was hard to feel "fabulous" without my reservation list of who's getting in and who's not. And the air of glamour aided by the slight sensation of power no longer existed once my Armani blazer was removed and exchanged with an all black server uniform complete with matching apron.

You just grow up... and it's all over.

I kept walking of course. There are mirrors covering nearly every surface at Park Avalon, the restaurant where I was, at my manager's kind suggestion, promoted from my hosting duties. I can't express how invaluable an opportunity like this is. The money will be so much better, the work so much more rewarding. Funny as it sounds, I'm breaking into a field that rarely lets in outsiders. Most restaurants in the city won't even look at you without two years N.Y.C. experience under your belt. And at any rate, it isn't so bad. Not yet anyway.

It's work. It's, as I always heard, a living. And it CAN be completely temporary, so long as I maintain control over my own destiny.

But the more I think about it the more I realize that maybe this is how I'd always imagined life being after all. Maybe I haven't steered myself so far off course.

As a student, whenever a professor would ask us to imagine the "actor's life" that lay ahead I always sensed I'd graduate, struggle for a good little bit, find my footing eventually and somehow manage to find a job waiting tables while my life began.

It's happening. This is it.

I guess now, maybe even know, that I needed to live these last few months convinced that the end times were upon me, that life as I knew it was over, in order to come out of that reborn, aware to the fact that maybe just maybe I am on track. That maybe I do have something great in store and that the belief in this potential greatness, the honest to God belief in it, is what living life is all about.

Because I need to believe in something. And right now I don't have anyone else but me.

All I know is that I'm trying to do my best. Trying to not be terrified by the fact that the world only spins forward. Trying to be the me that isn't mean, that isn't hurtful, that isn't scared.

I want so much from this life and have learned enough in these twenty three years to know that I won't have it all.

But as my eyes glaze over to avoid the oncoming shadow of my own reflection, cocktail tray in hand, I cannot help but wonder, What will I have? What do I get to look forward to? What on Earth is in store for me next?

Friday, April 14, 2006

Friday the 14th


Spent the day
(starting at 8 am)
on location
at northsix
in williamsburg
shooting a promo
for vh1's
Rock Honors Awards
something
or other...
this photo
shows all of the extras
standing around
very early
and
very groggily,
dressed
as
'hipsters'
'punks'
'club-goers'
and the like...
why?
you ask me,
good question
i respond
since we spent
the better part of
twelve hours
fake rocking out
to
metallica
motley crue
kiss
and
judas priest...
not exactly
hipster bands
if you ask me,
but
a good way to spend a day
a good way to make some cash
and a good way
to not have to worry
about being noticed by too many people,
cause it is vh1 after all
probably a twenty second ad
some obscure-ass awards show
and a huge mass
of mostly
actor-types
dancing around a smoke filled room
for the one hundredth time in a row...
but
on the off chance
that you do feel like looking for me
whenever this airs
just keep your eyes peeled
for that skinny, pale faced kid,
i'm the one towards the back
laughing his ass off
and having a ball
wondering why he's in a faux mosh pit
rocking out to hair metal
in a fitted tank top
red converse
and size small tailored vest...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Thursday in the Park with Bradshaw


Glorious beyond glorious day. The type that you're ecstatic to not be at work during. The type that you resent for not lasting all year long.

Wow, what a New York City day. 72 degrees and sunny as all get out. Bright, warm, with just the perfect number of clouds up in the sky.

Weather has to be just about the most mundane of subjects a person could ever find himself writing about. But days like this one just don't come along that often.

The celebs were certainly out in full force. Literally everybody and their dog was running around the streets of Manhattan. And I spent the afternoon at Tomkin's Square dog park with my own pup, so I should know.

Moby, Meg Ryan, Broadway's latest critical darling Lisa Kron, Ari something or other from vh1's I Love the Fabulous Life of Best Week Ever's Beach Bodies...

And who can blame them? It was beautiful. Really amazing. Spring has certainly sprung.

And it's about dang time.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Here we go again on our own...


Success comes rarely when it's least expected.
Often when it's worked for.
The littlest shift can cause the tallest wave.
The hugest movement can bring nothing but a ripple.
It's the trying.
The trying that seems to be the key.
Every day. Putting yourself out there.
Every day. Striving for something more.
There are days of rest. On purpose.
Months of rest, however...
A Life Spent Wasted.
Success can mean anything to anyone.
It can be appreciation, a handshake, a bonus, a smile.
It is what it is.
Success.
All seven letters.
I succeeded today, in my own tiny way.
I succeeded twice, in fact, and surprisingly so.
It's leaving the house that's the key.
It's asking for help when you need it.
It's risking embarrassment, rejection, dismissal and hurt.
It takes all that.
For the lucky, successful, the gifted, the blessed.
It takes all that.
And then it takes it again.
For all of them.
For all of us.
For you.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Shadowed Still


Last night I was afraid. Unable to sleep, with "Find Me" sludging through my brain, I willed myself deeper and deeper into something vaguely resembling dreamland. The urge to urinate was present but not imperative. The shadows contained secrets, played tricks on my eyes and revealed the potential visions of bad men in trench coats with dark circles where their eyes should be. The apartment buzzed, alive. Bradshaw growled at my hand when I'd reach out to touch her. I could not get warm under my mess of sheets and the rats from the alley four stories below squeaked and rustled as they fought for food. I am not someone who allows aloneness to terrify him. However, the dark has long been a foe of mine. It overwhelms at times. Leaving me unable to pass from the bathroom to the bed without first turning on a series of lamps to guide the way. A ghost named Daphne was passed on to my consciousness from the childhood of my good friend Ashley. In fact, Daphne is staring at me from her gray-lit corner as I type. And she is not the first. Nightlights taunted me as a child. I at once wanted to see what surrounded the vulnerability of my small twin bed. And was also unable to look out into its potential for fear, for fantasy, for truth. Sometimes the quiet and dark just swallows you up. The awareness of your smallness arrives. Your inability to fend for yourself. Men crawled through my windows. Wolves leapt at my back as I shielded my dog from their advances, leaving my skin bloodied and raw, unsure of the means to my end. One could easily say that the darkness is terrifying because of all that it lacks. I, however, fear the dark for all that could reside within it. All that could escape from its shadowed exterior and appear before me, over me, on top of me menacingly and ultimately, before there is time to flee.

Monday, April 10, 2006

"Obsessions on a Dance Floor"


After...

One full hour & twenty seven minutes...

Waking up well in advance of the 9 am ticketmaster release time...

Two original failed search attempts via computers in Florida & New York...

Countless frustrated scrollings on the pages of eBay with only worst-seat options available...

Sudden ecstasy at the unexpected announcement of two new Madison Square Garden dates...

New availability of two separate sets of great & affordable seats...

Losing the availability of both sets of great & affordable seats due to my "multiple page searches" (who knew?)...

Suddenly panicked, nearly in tears desperation at the cruelty of it all...

Now feeling livid & disgusted at the Best Available search coming up with two $400 floor seats (um, yeah right, i wish)...

Feeling that all will inevitably be lost & that the world is nothing more than a cruel and lonely place...

Giving it one last shot...

Waiting as patiently as possible while the ticketmaster page counts down from an approximate wait time of "5 minutes"...

"4 minutes"...

"5 minutes"...

"4 minutes"...

"3 minutes"...

"2 minutes"...

"1 minute"...

"less than 1 minute"...

MUSIC! It can't be! Two amazing, affordable, totally will be able to see the bitch seats...

My third Madonna Tour in a row!...

July 3rd...

Madison Square Garden, baby...

Matthew & i...

Madonna's Confessions Tour 2006...

Just think, that if buying the tickets got my heart rate pumping this fast, you can't even imagine how ridiculous the show itself is gonna be...

She's turning the world into one giant Dance Floor, Her Madgesty said so herself...

And for one night only, praise the Queen, we're gonna be dancing right there beside her!...


Sunday, April 09, 2006

I Miss L.A.


The view from the rental.



The view from the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.



The view from Venice Beach Boardwalk.



The view from a nerd's camera.



The view of West Hollwood as seen from Efren's Apt.



The view from inside the Paramount Lot.



The view of my Housemates.


The view from just outside of Mecca.


And P.S.
Yeah, the "view" from here is that California Dreamin' really sucks.

I Miss L.A.!!!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

f & f


the words don't come
as quickly
today
so
i'll only say
that
forgiveness
is
a life lesson
that must be
maintained
respected
and
demanded
of one's self
daily
demanded
of one's self
in spite of
your baser instincts
and
demanded
of one's self
particularly
when
it
seems
impossible
to
grant it
for
there is no greater gift
than
that
of
forgiveness
forgiveness
for all

Friday, April 07, 2006

a carbohydrate conundrum


have you ever seen a more delicious sight in your lives?
the color, texture, taste and smell
all perfectly aligned
certainly one of the most beautiful visions these eyes could see
like hostess sno ball cakes, the kellogg's pop tart
is equally transfixing
but cherry flavored
and actually enjoyable to eat

i rattled off my diet to taj, the trainer today
thinking that most of it was pretty good
brand name breakfast cereal
hummus and pita
boca burger on a wheat bagel
late night smoothies

"that's horrible"
he replied
"no processed foods"
he then bellowed at me
as I rolled down for lunge number four hundred and eleven
"no processed foods?"
i called back defiantly
unsure of what he meant
"and no carbs at nighttime either"
okay...
well, this i understood
"you mean like no carbs after, say, eight o'clock?"
"no. no carbohydrates after 3 pm. those are only to be eaten in the mornings."

you've got to be kidding me
not
fucking
happening

i pouted through a salad at lunch today
literally angry at it for not being drenched in caesar
god, these starlets have such discipline
i told myself
over and over
they really, really do

i've never had an unhealthy relationship with food before
but i've always enjoyed eating what i wanted
when i wanted it
and this whole diet-and-exercise thing
is hard work
like a job in and of itself
personal maintenance
takes time, will-power, energy, discipline
and
frankly
i don't' know if i can
stand behind something
that stands between me
and anything
pink, frosted, sprinkled and delicious

Thursday, April 06, 2006

"it's a woman thing"


congratulations to katie couric
and meredith vieira
for that matter
for all the success they've experienced this past week
you women have worked harder than we'd know
to get where you are 'today'
and certainly deserve all the praise in the world
for your incredible, incredible accomplishments

now, as for mandisa
the recently booted american idol songstress
truth be told
i haven't watched the show in recent weeks
so, perhaps you've just fallen off your game
with one too many poor song choices
but
when i was watching you
ya rocked
so i'm pointing to your alleged recent support
for gay-to-straight conversion camps
as the root of your demise
cause we were all rooting for you from the beginning
before this mess
but now you know
that you just don't mess with us, bitch
because we can be your best friends
and your worst enemies
too

but as for my miss new york
of vh1's 'flavor of love' fame
girl, i've missed you something bad in times of late
REAL bad for that matter
and frankly the reunion special just wasn't enough
of miss new york
to get yours truly through the night
so the news that you and the flav himself
will be starring in yet another reality tv program
is the song that guides this young man's heart
cause, lady, you're the best
and when miss new york
is in the muthafuckin' house
then i am simply one happy, happy boy

alright
now, on to even bigger expectations
and in regards to madonna's
confession tour 2006
lord, how much do i wish i'd signed up for that fan club
so i could get my madison square garden tickets now
as opposed to monday morning at nine
when every other fag in the universe
is desperately trying to score his seats
i. can. not. wait. for. this. dang. tour.
my third madonna concert in a row
each one phenomenal in its own right
and each one mind-blowing beyond belief
june 28th and 29th bitches
new york city
the queen said it herself
she loves new york
and heaven help us
if we don't love her too

okay, so finally
in women's news
i highly, highly recommend
that you listen to pink's new song
'dear Mr. President'
because
she has just elevated herself
perhaps
to icon status
exhibiting
bravery beyond bravery
and
truth beyond truth
this girl rocks
and so
certainly
does that song

and that's all she wrote,
but never forget
girl power
forever
and
ever
amen.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

robbing the nest. nest by nest...


teachers
it would seem
are the new
preachers
in today's
very modern world

another one
on cnn today
and this time
shock of all shocks
she wasn't hot

so we know
that america will really
drag her through the coals
this time around

the 13 year old boy
who she's allegedly
slept with
spent time beside
and let drive her car
must be going through
lord knows what
right now

confusion?
sadness?
pride?
fear?

it was hard
for a long time
to completely take these cases seriously
the tabloid sensationalism
made the acts
all at once
too exciting
and yet
too unreal

"ANOTHER HOT YOUNG BLONDE
CAUGHT IN PARKING LOT
WITH 15 YEAR OLD STUDENT!"
the headlines would read

and we'd shake our heads
but laugh as well
while the pundits went crazy
with their witty truth-detractors
of
"if only they were offering this kind
of extra credit after class when I
was a kid!"
and
"is this REALLY how they're keeping the
little ones motivated these days!"

but, wow
what a huge problem
we've got on our hands
i mean
who are these women?
and possibly more importantly
where are these parents?

personally
the feeling that love conquers all
and that no one should ever tell a person
what to do with their body
is strong within me

and in cases like these
when there was ever a doubt
about the validity of these women's claims
one could always point to
mary kay letourneau
and her 'man'
villi
to their storybook romance
that was anything but...

but this is
fundamentally
not right
there's just no doubt about it

it's true that
sexual ANYTHING
between two consenting adults
is free and legal
with due reason
and no questions asked
in this country of ours

and certainly
one could point out
that a young man has to be aroused in order to make
these things work properly with an older woman
so in a way the female teacher/minor male
relationships
are quite different from
the older male/minor female
molestations
relations
or rape

but the psychological damages
involved
undoubtedly go much deeper than
just sex
after all, a thirteen year old boy
simply cannot be prepared
for every emotion
every anxiety
and every responsibility
associated with sexual activity

that simply cannot be

so how much longer
before the next teacher is discovered
with her hands buried deep
inside the cradle of america's youth?

something tells me that
sadly
it won't be long
because in today's time
it's becoming painfully obvious
that our nation's teachers are no longer
just ridiculously underpaid
but now
it would seem
that they're also
ridiculously undersexed
as well

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

creation


to give life to something
to set it free
to allow for an entity to take its place within this world

the act of creating
can seem impossible
when first setting out

after all
creation must often involve
hours
in front of the computer screen
years
behind a desk
or
nine months
trapped inside a body that cannot be your own

but
creation
it would seem
is at its core about truth through selflessness
and
also
creation
it would seem
is at its core about knowing yourself well enough
to throw it all away

to place what's easy aside
and do what must be done
what must be said
what must be drawn
or sung
or sculpted
or acted out
or given life to

creation
it would seem
is at its core more deeply personal than any other action
ever

and yet
sometimes what you've worked so hard for
turns out ugly
or messy
or just not quite the way you'd dreamed or planned

but in these times
you must remind yourself
that its creation
the very place from which it came
must be held up even higher
so that it may too
be appreciated, respected and acknowledged
with whole of heart

because
it can only come through you
it can only come through you
it can only come through you
it can only come through you

Monday, April 03, 2006

mad as heck


my dad said something very wise tonight
something very wise indeed

i was angry
which happens pretty regularly
i suppose

but was particularly upset this evening
because
i had received a message
from an old acquaintance of mine
asking me to join the cast of a new play
workshopped at the williamstown theatre festival
and starting rehearsals in just a few weeks time

wonderful news
under most circumstances
but

i was frustrated
because
after getting excited at the idea
of being back up on stage again
i was reminded
via phone
by matt
that the dates of the show
directly conflicted
with
his collegiate graduation
for which he'd been insistent on me attending
and
for which i had already purchased tickets
to fly me to florida
come may

i was upset
not at matt
or at anyone else
for that matter
but just upset
at the luck i seemed to have
when it came to anything involving
the combination of florida
and professional acting opportunities

in the past
i'd been forced to miss
an important meeting
with m. night shyamalan's casting director
during one floridian jaunt

and at another point
had been required to inform directors
looking to potentially cast me as their lead
that i would be out of the state
for a full week
of their three week rehearsal process
so as i could attempt
to hold together
a long distance relationship
that desperately needed some face time

well
needless to say
i didn't get that part
which sort of bummed me out
and frankly
after this evening
i was pretty bummed again

see
the problem is that
i don't seek out acting work
nearly as often as i should
(which is my own fault)
so when opportunities are missed
it hits especially hard

and tonight
i just needed
someone to vent to
seek advice from
and
(if they were willing)
tell me exactly what to do

which is why i immediately
called home
to whine to my mother
but
ended up surprised
at the especially relevant advice
that came
from the unlikeliest of sources
my dad

it was in the midst of my moaning
in regards to this issue
"oh why me? why me?"
that he simply said
in response
that
"that's life, the constant struggle between family and work."

and it hit me like a rock

because
while i was particularly moved
that he would refer to my boyfriend
as family
and also especially moved
with the knowledge that he'd certainly
been forced to make this decision
time and time again
on our behalf
it registered even more
that he was right
about decisions just like these

that they never do go away
and that they are as much a part of life
as any
of the pure blessings
or any
of the pure shit

it should be noted that matt told me
i should stay in new york
and do the play
if i wanted to

and that my mom and dad
told me they'd support my decision
either way

so
now it's just me
alone
deciding what path my life should take

work
or
family?

family
or
work?

cause there are only so many hours in the day
and sometimes you can't have both

Sunday, April 02, 2006

color life


i tried to go a week without saying or feeling anything negative
i tried to go a week without once turning on my phone
but life sweeps in
it ravages what you thought you knew
and you react
protect
and shield
in the best ways you know how
crossroads can actually be wonderful
when you let it all in

i'm surviving
eating
exercising
going out
and making it all happen
against the odds

to take your life into your own hands
is a force of will
so do it now
and never question why

life can be beautiful
when you allow yourself to be and feel negative
when you refuse to turn off the phone
when you are willing to wait
and not willing to promise
what you know inside you can't

love it all
the music plays through the pain
and currently
i wake up at nine or ten or noon
and clean
it starts with putting away the dirty clothes
arranging the shoes inside the closet
picking up the dog shit from when i was out too late the night before
making the bed
dusting
cleaning the surfaces
and just being
with the mess and the order

because
one could not exist
without
the other

Saturday, April 01, 2006

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