slow train home

as i head home
via mass transportation

i hit a cut-off
an ending
a stopping point

77th Street
is where i enter from work

86th
on and on upward

96th arrives
and then a sudden shift
as nearly every caucasian exits

except for me

it's just myself
and the latinos
the african americans
the tired
the fed-up
the proud

it's me
the sore thumb
standing out like some lone star in the vast and endless sky

i don't particularly like living up here
i can feel the racism growing inside of me

not racism towards any particular color
but at the anger inside the people i come into contact with daily

not a race issue
but an economic one

latino music stores that blast their outdoor stereos from morning to night
despite petitions and pleadings from every resident around them

black mothers who scream
"if you don't shut the fuck up i will fuck your shit up and i don't give a fuck who sees"
to their otherwise well-behaved two year olds

hispanic men
who will shout
"i'm gonna kick your ass, asshole"
to the person who accidentally brushed past them on their way out of the grocery store

mothers and fathers of every color
that allow their children to play unsupervised on the streets
well past one a.m.

anger
anger
anger
at all times
from all people
towards every other living being

as if happiness itself should be outlawed
as if optimism from the "faggot" "cracker" boy was an insult to their neighborhood
as if joy were an infringement on their way of life

not a race issue
but an economic one

pass 96th Street and you'll feel it
not particularly unsafe
but i wouldn't say necessarily safe either

constantly being aware
constantly watching how you act
where your wallet is
who is coming up behind you

don't make eye contact
don't smile at a stranger

"what the fuck do you have to smile about, cracker?"
was the response i got from a group of spanish teenagers
after politely, casually nodding to them during my first month up here

i don't like these people
i'm sorry
i don't