wake me up when SEPTEMBER ends

September 11, 2006

i returned to washington square park today
to the exact location where i watched the tower fall

i stood there this afternoon
beside one of my best friends in the world
i stood there
after a day of cautious laughter, lunchtime, napping and stores
i stood there
in that very same spot

the attacks on the u.s. that occurred on september 11, 2001 have nothing to do with me
my feelings have absolutely little to no worth

it was a national tragedy
and every person i knew survived

but standing there on that day five years ago
and seeing thousands gone in the blink of an eye

the largest movie set in the world
unspeakable, no words
the unbelievable unbelievability of it all

standing there on that day
i'd never felt more alone

the city was crashing down around us
and i would go down with it
silent
with not one soul beside me

but
somehow i survived
and did not stand alone today
because she was there beside me

here we are world, thriving
god is great
god is good


September 11, 2002

... I would not have remembered September 11th, 2001 today had it not been for the horrific tragedies in Downtown Manhattan, at the Pentagon and in that Pennsylvania field. I would have gone to school. Maybe learned a thing or two. But I would have forgotten it by now. I would have probably walked home, maybe seen a friend, probably I would have ordered sushi and eaten alone.

However, I never made it to class that day. Instead I stood, and from only a mile away watched nearly 3,000 people die. I'm afraid they were just too far away to see and just too close to forget. The memory that stands out the most is the feeling of isolation, of total fear and loneliness. That walk back to my dorm at Union Square from the park in Washington Square might as well have been 9 miles. I held onto myself because there was no one else to hold onto, no one to hold onto me.


September 16, 2001

... I've wanted to write in my journal, capture every single fucking detail. I've carried this book everywhere with me but all I do is look at it. It's hard to make myself write. It's hard to ponder the effects this will have on the city. Will this place ever be the same? Has New York City, in losing its face, lost its luster, its spirit? How many people have died? What will happen to business? Will the city ever look the same? Are we really going to war? Questions swim in my head along with all the other crap. I don't know that I've thought in a complete sentence since any of this happened.

I don't know, I kind of just want to go home. I won't leave this city but I don't want to be here either. I find myself mad at everyone in my life, mad at myself. I have no motivation, nothing to drive me. I feel emotionally drained, lifeless. There is no feeling yet everything is heightened.

I pray for those that died. I especially PRAY for their families. I pray for my family a lot and every now and then, I pray for myself. PRAY that I can get through all this. That this does not break me. I find myself praying all the time, which helps me to breathe. Dear God, help us all to get through this. Please. PLEASE.