leaps and bounds

the end of another month
a blog is due

unable to hold myself to writing
exactly
once a week

i try
to ROUGHLY fit one in

so, here it goes...


it's been a difficult 29 days to get past
and with leap year
i believe it's like bill maher says
"if there's one thing we don't need more of...
it's february"

-valentine's day
two years ago i was in florida with matt
one year ago i had just traveled to london alone
this year i'm simply getting by

-matt's birthday on february 8th
that 24th birthday he somehow never lived to see
a date his family and i have been dreading since his death
like the rest of him, come and gone

-and then there's the cold
hell, i'm ready to move past that too

survival of the fittest
feels more like survival of the least prepared


i shot an mtv promo
for the band one republic last week
at a medieval times restaurant
somewhere in new jersey

it was a LOOOONG
and very disorganized day
but somehow completely worth it

if you're not familiar with the medieval times premise
it's essentially dinner and a show
housed in a giant arena
with jousting, horse tricks, pre-rehearsed battles
and food without silverware
(you know, just like those real medievals did it)

i hadn't stepped foot in one of these tacky "dining" establishments
in years
so was completely shocked at how excited it got me

over the course of the day
(as usual) there was a lot of time to kill
so i snuck in to watch some of the rehearsals
for that evenings performance

long haired jersey boys on horseback
with faux british accents

and replacement princesses
who would stop mid-speech
when they'd forgotten their lines

"Good Day Fair Sir! It Will Be Of Greatest Pri-vi-lege!"
would be announced
in sing-song, scenery-chewing, brit-esque verse

but immediately followed by
"NEOW HOOLD UP DE-AH, IS MUY LOIN FE-AH SIR? O-UH FE-AH MISTAH?"
in an unmistakable jersey whine

it
was
mesmerizing

some TEN HOURS later
when that evening's performance had actually begun
i snuck back inside
just in time to catch The Official Medieval Times Falconer

a bearded man
in full chain-mail attire
with a REAL LIVE FALCON trained to fly around the massive space

over and over
the falcon flew above our heads

no net
no leash
no guarantee he wouldn't dive into any one of those alluring jersey hair-do's
or fly straight through the exit, never to be seen again

time after time
the falcon cut through the air

it was his moment
he was an actor bird, and this was his greatest scene

i for one, was enthralled
and grateful to share the space with such a dedicated performer

in flight
this magic circus bird made me smile
brought me back to myself
reminded me that you can inspire
anyone
anywhere

even a bird can do it

even a bird
at a medieval times restaurant, of all places
on just another ice cold day
at the very end of february

for tonight and always...

space
the final frontier

it's amazing the excuses we make to ourselves
i say "we" because, certainly,
i can't be the only one

space
is an issue for me

if i had more of it
i could write
if i had more of it
i could really concentrate

i tell myself that it would be impossible
to do the impossible
to write a book
from the desktop in my small one bedroom apartment
amongst all the distractions of new york

excuses, excuses
i'm here writing now, aren't i?
all you need is a computer and a somewhat quiet space

hell, jean-dominique bauby
only needed his left eyelid
and the vast expanses of his imagination
to write what would be his opus

we can't all escape to italy
the woods
or our beach house
to get out what's inside of us

and we may never get away
from what is truly un-get away-able

but we persevere
two steps forward, two steps back


i "lost" my first oscar last night

granted, i'm saying this with a grin
and in the loosest sense of the word "my"

but the film "across the universe" was nominated for best costumes
and i did in fact wear one of those (MANY) garments on-screen

i wrote about it HERE some time ago
and it's fun to go back and re-visit those nights
to look at the wonder in my eyes
after stepping onto a film set for the very first time

the magic of the movies
now THAT'S one place we all can escape to


in these harsh grey months before spring arrives
it's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel
difficult to leave the house some days, if you don't have to

but inspiration comes from everywhere
both high brows and low

"the diving bell and the butterfly"
one of the most moving pieces of cinema or art
you're ever likely to experience

a testament to the power of the human mind
the human heart
and the human will

to carry on in spite of unimaginable obstacles

but lately, it's not just films
but the whole world that's inspiring me
from the sight of my dog in the snow
after another drunken opening night on broadway
to the shattering and unexpected warmth of a friends support at work
and from the artistry of kanye west
to simple paint on canvas

it has even crept in
at the moment when porn star mary carey
learns she's still that eight year old ballerina
who isn't dirty
who isn't addicted
who dances because it fills her with unquestioning joy

all in front of the cameras
on (of all places) vh1's "celebrity rehab"

the dark, cold days of winter
seem to have gone on for ages this year

it's been a winter i'm proud to have survived

but this earth only spins forward
and the sun sets a little later every night

we're headed for our moments in the sun
i can feel it

February 5th, 2008

super tuesday
god, there's nothing quite like the thrill
of making your american voice
be heard

this has been as important an election
as those alive today are likely to ever experience
and we've all got a front row seat

i know how exciting it's been for me

long, endless talks with friends and relatives
detailing the latest debate
up-to-the-minute polls
and the ever shifting tides of support and criticism

as heidi says
"one day you're in and the next day, you're out"

i've been supporting hillary for some time now
it's just a feeling
electric

she moves me
when she speaks i smile
her brains
her passion
the experience i feel others lack
the fact that she's dedicated her life to public service

i feel her love for this country
for us
for all americans
and i know she would be the leader
we all, deep down, dream of

we shall see
like i said, it's an exciting year

as of late
barack has moved me in ways he hadn't before
he too would make an amazing leader of the free world
and if it's him that gets the nomination
i will throw my support behind obama 100%

there's certainly something to be said
for ending the bush-clinton reign over this country
that if hillary were elected
and then re-elected
would go on for an unbelievable 28 YEARS

"CHANGE" is definitely needed
but i put my faith
in the kind of change that only she can bring

it was an odd sensation
on super-duper tuesday

after voting in the primaries
i headed to the apple store
before work
to finally, FINALLY replace the ipod that had broken
nearly a full year ago

on my way west
from the 59th street station
i passed a young-lady holding a "hillary" sign
urging those who hadn't yet, to get out there and vote

she was also holding a sizable amount of pamphlets and literature
and had a few hillary buttons attached to her bag
i asked if she had an extra button
& she told me no, but that she'd love to give me a hillary sticker

so i took one
said thank you
and headed towards "mac"ca with the sticker on my coat

but i was surprised
at the odd sense of vulnerability i felt
by so blatantly endorsing a candidate

almost like a naked in public feeling
these street-strangers could see inside of me
they knew at first glance who i'd voted for
and in turn
what kind of an america i innately believed in

i was highly aware
of what black men might think
or women
hell, anybody for that matter
pro or con

because without fail
every, single person who passed by
would (poker-faced) glance at the sticker
directly in front of my heart

and then (poker-faced)
without fail
immediately glance up at me

i could hear them, their thoughts
this is who that person is
we don't know who
or how
we don't know where he comes from

but he's young and white
a new yorker
who supports hillary clinton
and is headed somewhere fast

friday the first.

friday night

a surprise

the plan was to go home
save money
not spend

there are many things happening
saturday
sunday
and so on

so i was happy to spend friday night alone

the surprise came
when instead, i ended up asking a co-worker
i'd been awkwardly talking to for weeks
if he felt like getting a drink

"sure"
i believe was his reply
immediate
instant

drinks turned into dinner
at a greek restaurant in midtown

not romantic
not sexual even
and certainly not the first great night i've shared since matt died
by any means

but
different somehow
more alive than recent memory

maybe just because it was someone BRAND NEW

at this point
i'm used to making excuses
for reasons why i need to head home

there's always the dog
exhaustion
or a commercial to shoot the next morning

but tonight
miracle of miracles

with no ulterior motives
and absolutely no desire to get in his pants
i didn't want to go home alone

there were movies
and wine
plus more conversation to share

the time to part just didn't feel ready

my co-worker
jonathan
ended up saying, after many hours together
that he
in fact
did need to get home

which was absolutely 100% o.k. by me

it was those past few hours that had mattered
savoring talking to someone new
loving how hard i'd had to WORK
just getting him to open up

maybe it was the wine we shared
glass after glass of it

but it reminded me of life
and particularly the fact
that i'm still living it

i got home
to my dog
where we went on her walk

& some time later
as chris garneau sang
i bounced one of my dog's many tennis balls

up and down
up and down, it went

and with each rise and fall
she lept
euphoric in the desire
the belief
the knowledge
that, in time, that ball would be hers

belief

in the ball
in the knowledge that you'll catch it
in time

up and down it went
and i smiled, as saturday morning began

for hope enters
and rises and falls

but stays, in the end, for good.