ATTACK OF "THE PHANTOM" TOURISTS!!!

There had to be a reason why I've lived in New York City for over six years and had never seen "The Phantom of the Opera" on Broadway.

It wasn't that I hadn't appreciated the show when I saw its National Tour as a child. It wasn't that I didn't have an interest in scratching the title off my list of Old-Timers I'd never witnessed on Broadway. And it certainly wasn't that I didn't attend the theatre on a regular basis.

No. After seeing "The Phantom of the Opera" earlier this evening, I can say with complete certainty that the reason I'd never seen this show was plain and simple, The Tourists.

Scottie and I saw "Phantom" tonight after first losing the "Wicked" ticket lottery and second, not coming up with anything else to see in its place. Though neither of us was particularly dying to see this moldy relic, we both agreed that the spectacle could be mildly amusing and neither minded spending twenty six bucks on a balcony seat.

It was only once we got inside the Majestic Theatre that the sensation became painfully obvious: We were the ONLY actual New Yorkers in the place, aside from perhaps the ticket-tearers and on-stage cast (though even they suspiciously appeared to have been bussed in!)

Further more, very, VERY few of the tourists inside the theatre appeared to have come from the United States. Which is just fine and dandy by me, but also somewhat discombobulating to feel you're hearing more languages being spoken than the Security Guards at the United Nations.

And those few-and-far-between individuals who did speak English were mostly a collection of heavily chaperoned youngsters between the ages of fourteen and sixteen who wore a colorful collection of cowboy hats, zoot suit tuxedos and elaborate prom style ball gowns.

As we ascended the stairs toward our balcony seats we noticed that, as expected, a majority of the area was left unfilled. So, taking advantage of the situation, moved to some chairs with a better view no sooner had the lights gone down.

And this is where the magic really began! I am telling you, the assortment of characters around us ranged from the bizarre to the nearly terrifying. It all started with the shifting, jumping, hyperactive older Asian couple seated in front of us. These two little jumping beans bounced around for the entire length of the show and looked as if they might expect a bomb to go off at any moment. Or, at the very least, had itching powder in their pants.

Next I noticed the constant-talking Russian youths beside us. Now why these two felt the need to engage in a constant play-by-play commentary is beyond me. All I know for sure is that at certain points over the course of the evening this pair sounded almost exactly like a couple of gruff Soviet Football coaches shouting expletives at each other.

But to top it all off, before us sat a fiery-haired butterfly clip-wearing older woman who proceeded to (and I'm not joking) FILM the entire show with her hand held video camera.

Now we all know that I love YouTube as much as the next bloke. And as a result, her filming wouldn't have bothered me so much aside from the fact that she held her large camera a full foot or so in front of her and kept the large, bright viewfinder open while continuing to zoom in and out of the action.

Which in a pitch black theatre caused the effect of witnessing a slightly smaller, brighter production of the show just to the side of my periphery and right out the corner of my eyes.

I tell you, this is why I try to stick to the shows the tourists avoid. It was honestly as if these people had never been out in public in their lives, let alone to the theatre.

When I physically tapped the dyed-red headed woman on her shoulder and whisper-shouted, "IF YOU'RE GOING TO INSIST ON FILMING THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE COULD YOU AT LEAST HAVE THE RESPECT OF CLOSING YOUR BRIGHT-ASS SCREEN SO THAT THE REST OF US MIGHT ENJOY THE SHOW!" she looked at me as if I was a complete loon for even suggesting the idea and pushed my hand away in fervent indignation.

The show was fine other than that. I slept (yes, full on knocked-out slept) through a majority of the dialogue, but woke with a start for all of the signature musical numbers.

I have to tell you though, if you're interested in the story, the characters, Andrew Lloyd Webber in general, or this show in particular... Spare yourselves the turmoil, head on over to your local Epcot Center Countries of the World exhibit or simply rent the damn DVD and enjoy it from the relative silence of your living room.

Trust me, you'll say "Thank You" later!