sto from ro

THE COST OF WAR IN IRAQ

$300,119,951,802

(This figure was taken at approximately 10:22 this morning. Click on "THE COST OF WAR IN IRAQ" above to see where that number is by the time you're reading this.)


"Every gun that is made, every battleship that is built, every missile that is launched, is a direct theft from the people who are hungry and starving in this world."

Dwight D. Eisenhower

This Time Last Year...

July 30, 2005

I am flying over the Atlantic Ocean right now. I am flying over my family, who are somewhere down below. I am circling.

My eight AM flight from LGA to MIA was cut short en route to the Bahamas due to a slightly terrifying leak of fuel. The plane was brought down sixty minutes earlier than expected in Jacksonville, Florida where the enormous amount of passengers were kept (caged) and fed only junk pizza and nachos - for over eight hours.

We touched down a little before 11 AM in Jacksonville. It is now well after 8 PM and we have just gotten back into the air. I will not be joining my family tonight in Treasure Cay. I will be sleeping alone in an airport hotel.

The cabin is beautiful right now. Mine seems to be the only light on - and mine only because it absolutely has to be. Outside the clouds glow pale blue and navy and there is a sliver of fire pink sunset slicing through the distance.

Inside, the overhead NO SMOKING signs seem to light up the heavens like stars. And I sit, not even a Bradshaw at my feet, circling, with my family unit held tight together somewhere below. I feel like I have been circling my entire life. I'm not content flying high above but am too unsure or too afraid to nest anywhere below.

I want to be with my family tonight and also I don't want to be. I don't want to be with Matt. I don't want to be alone. I am loved, what I've needed since birth. And I am still lost.

The depression is back. I can call it that now. I've felt it for some time. Its signs are identifiable. Moving in, over my eyes. Not blinding but blurring me - like clouds. I just looked out the window and the fire pink sunset has moved onto someplace else. Now the distance holds only ominous unspecific industrial lighting. A city no doubt. Miami I suppose. Progress I had nothing to do with.

I am terrified that Matt isn't enough. Like his name, Matt, so short and blah - I've known a million Matt's in my lifetime. The name "Matt" does not fill the enormity of his purpose, his amazing necessariness in my existence. Elongating the syllables, filling out the blankness to "Matthew" does little to do him justice. Matt is everything I need. And Matt is not enough. Clouds sweeping in.

Last night I could barely fall asleep. Having looked forward to this trip for months I laid next to this man and felt filled with dull, unexplainable, empty fear. I told myself I was just nervous about flying. I told myself it was because I felt I didn't deserve a vacation. I told myself that to go to the trouble of traveling was too sad in that I would just be leaving my family again in no time anyway.

I thought Matt was enough, my answer, my ending. But he is not. Something is missing inside of myself. Not a puzzle piece but a chunk, like a flank of raw tuna. Sometimes it's in my head, sometimes my stomach or my heart. Sometimes it's everywhere.

I want to call Matt right now and tell him I miss him. And yet despite how many times I've missed him in the past I know that he alone can not be the answer to what's missing from inside. I miss happiness. Which comes and goes like smoke.

My Just Deserts

SATURDAY DOUBLE (sa t'er da') , (dub'el):
1. Abbr. Sat. or S. The seventh day of the week.
2. Saturn's Day, The Jewish Sabbath
3. Consisting of or involving two parts or components usually in pairs; "a double (binary) star"; "double doors"; "dual controls for pilot and copilot"; "duple (or double) time consists of two (or a multiple of two)

aka: working the AM and the PM shifts at any given job. namely at a restaurant on the Upper East Side.
More Specifically: evil, whoreaneous, bullshit, exhausting, slave-labor, 14 hours, crap.

allow me to remind myself that...

...can get through anything.

drama-drunk

block
in the road
time
missed again
day
just a question mark
age
the number and then
how
still no answer
why
still no answer
when
faith in all
world
tiny, infinite
me
kneeling small
experience
out of body
you
real plus true
life
now or never
this
colors blue

"____" is all you need

This photo is of an accidental grease spot smudged on a mirror during our move into the new apartment.

P.S.
Accidents are beautiful.

MOOREality

One of my favorite quotes of all time came from a newspaper clipping. The author is unknown to me, but their message lives on due to its simplistic abstractness.

The 19th century was about economic freedom. The 20th century was about political freedom. This century will be about Americans deciding for themselves what's moral and what's not.

Morality. Always a polarizing topic for debate. One could easily say that this century's America has been guided by a leader who has based his entire political party on a platform of "morality." Many others would venture to say that this very leader has led the world down a highly immoral path. And these same people might also mention that in today's social climate the time has come to jump back onto the 20th century's battle of fighting for "political freedom."

Morality to me has never had much to do with whether or not someone practiced a particular religion or dreamed about falling in love with a certain gender. But maybe I have always been wrong.

Morality is defined in Webster's Dictionary as
1. moral quality or character; rightness or wrongness, as of an action
2. the character of being in accord with the principles or standards of right conduct, specif., virtue in sexual conduct... ethics

Dictionary.com defines morality as
1. The quality of being in accord with standards of right or good conduct.
2. A system of ideas of right and wrong conduct: religious morality; Christian morality.

I had no idea that "rightness or wrongness" were so black and white. I was also never aware that morality was solely a Christian mindset. Are Buddhists not living lives in accordance with "right or wrong conduct?" Do Jews lack the ability to have "moral quality or character?" And as far as "virtue in sexual conduct" I'm not sure where to even begin. Is playful nibbling allowed? How about kissing outside the lips? Positions other than missionary? Sex between a man and woman without the possibility of procreation?

This century will be about Americans deciding for themselves what's moral and what's not.

I do not know the position of this writer. What defined morality for him? Or her? Who defines morality for me? Or you? But this past week I was struck by a line in (of all places) my sister's blog. The continuation of a sentence ended with...

is right or wrong.

is right or wrong. What? I believe that right or wrong is based on truth, honesty, kindness towards others, the desire to better yourself and the world around you, accepting that not everyone will look, act, or think like you do, taking care of this planet while we can, not starting wars when they can be avoided, not invading countries that we are aware can not hurt us, not sending young men and women to die for no reason, not taking away women's reproductive rights, knowing that there are bigger things in this world than ourselves, letting go of anger, of jealousy, of bitterness and of greed.

Morality may mean a million things to you or me. Morality is meant to not be easy to pin down, to quantify, to define. But morality is not a Christian way of living and it is not a Heterosexual way of living either.

Morality is the constant attempt to make this planet what it could be. It is going about your day in spite of everything negative around you. It is trying to bring that outside confrontation down and show it that there are other options. It is trying, trying, trying to not let the anger and fear inside yourself eat you alive. It is goodness, to every person on this earth. It is peace.

I don't however know how to define morality for this country in the year 2006. I can only define it for myself. Luckily though This century has almost another 94 years to figure out how to define the black and white of right or wrong. But I can't say I'm not afraid of where we're headed. I can not trust our leader any longer and that is certainly a dangerous way to live.

There is so little that I know I know these days. But without question I am sure that is right or wrong. is everything.

fortune cookie wisdom

there are HOLY SHIT moments in life
experiences when time stops
and your awareness is scored to the sound of a fifty-piece orchestra

this happened today
in the most mundane of settings

television
some chinese delivery
and a day off from work

the ending of a series you've watched since day one
(albeit dane cook's "tourgasm")
matched in time to the awareness that your life
can be what you NEED it to be

Final Episode
Final Moments
the comics read a fortune cookie aloud
as i just so happened to open my very own
the music swells
and those finale feelings hit you

this is it
and
then...

"YOUR SECRET DESIRE TO COMPLETELY CHANGE YOUR LIFE WILL MANIFEST"

one minute
nothing
a moment later
the world

all standard jokes of
"you will make a great discovery" In Bed
fall away
and i'm left terrified by the billion ways my life could
change
completely change
end
or also, yes
begin

fortune cookie wisdom
can contain great power
with faith
with discovery
with the belief in something MORE

fortune cookie wisdom
can also bring a HOLY SHIT moment
where time stops
and the fear / excitement become one

this is it
ONE LIFE
no guarantees for the afterwards

in many ways i hold the reigns
to the future
to all possibility
in other ways i don't control a movement


and i know nothing


self-obsession can be disastrous
but
self-awakening is what it's all about

techno(logic)

the spell check on my blog doesn't recognize the word "blog."

i find this to be very strange.

(for the record it does not recognize the words "blogger" or "blogspot" either)

hmmmm.

i mean let's call 'em like we see 'em people.

technology is stupid.

"They're All Mad."

Just like nothing makes me happier than that first Country Time Pink Lemonade commercial that initiates the beginning of Summer, nothing makes me more angry than the arrival of "Back to School" ad campaigns.

These television, radio, internet and print promos push everything from Payless Shoe Specials to Five Star Trapper Keepers. And despite the fact that I am no longer an enrolled student, believe me, they still get under my skin!

I mean it's freaking July people! So why don't you just lay off a little bit longer and allow all of us real and non-students to continue leading our lives in full denial of the responsibilities (and shopping sprees) that lie ahead.

Maybe (probably) (definitely) I'm overreacting considering that the concept of "Summer Vacation" no longer exists in any way for me. But a person can recall the olden days at the blink of an eye. And those feelings die hard.

Now come on all you ad-execs, network so-and-so's and corporate-suits. I'm aware that we all gotta make money in this world. Believe me I am. But can't you just wait and make it in August like the rest of us? Leave our Summer alone!

THE DAYS

i haven't been blogging
because i'm tired of analyzing my life

i haven't been blogging
because this move has taken an enormous emotional toll

i haven't been blogging
because i work at a job that i am uninterested in

i haven't been blogging
because i feel i have nothing left to say

************************************

the whole world is spinning out of control
and i'm unable to open a newspaper

my future is headed nowhere fast
and i can't lift my arms to shift the gears

************************************

there are times in our lives that bring great change
landmark moments
movements
memories

and then there are times like these

THE DAYS

that come and go with little purpose

sensation
a task accomplished
money earned
or the completion of a chore

but they come and go
with little purpose

************************************

lately i've dreamed of relocating to london
or finding myself suddenly on the west coast

but movement alters very little i have found

the scenery's different
yet the emptiness remains

no
no movement just yet

for internal change
i am hoping
can come from staying put.

i

I i i I I iiii IIi
iiiiii
Iiiiiiii i i

I
II iiiiii
IIIII iIIII iiii IIIII Ii I
IiiiII i

Iiiiii
II II II II
II II II II
iii
iii

IIIII
i i i iiiiii

iiiiii IIIIII
iii
IIII iii iII III iiiiii
iiii

iiiii iiiiiii

IIIII I I I I I I

iii
iiIIIIIIII
II
iiiiiiii IIII iI I III Iii

iiii
III iIiii I
iii I III Iii Iiii
ii iii
i

I have nothing left to say about myself.

So, Happy 21st Birthday Will.
Live it up.

ITube, YouTube, TheyTube, WeAllTube!

Natalie Portman SNL Rap


For a while now I've wanted to proclaim my love for all things YouTube on this little ol' blog of mine.

But due to my irrational fear of having everyone know exactly what I did in fact YouTube...

(Embarrassingly, mostly just old 1980s cartoons, shirtless college football practices and ancient episodes of "The Rosie O'Donnell Show")...

I kept this highly publicized site a secret from those of you not quite in-the-know. Until now.

Yes, my time has come to share the love with all of you! YouTube is amazing! Feel free to set up an account of your own (I just did!) and search away to your heart's content.

Find old award show speeches, numbingly dull homemade movies, television parodies like "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"

And this especially hilarious Saturday Night Live digital short which I personally would have never had the privilege of seeing were it not for a night out a few months back, my dear friend Krista and, you guessed it, the wonder of YouTube!

Enjoy.

The Countdown Begins...

There are now less than 100 days remaining in Chris Clark's
A Year in the Blog.

It's literally now or never, kids.

So get it while it's hot!

in my dreams

the empire state building has been hit
i see this happen
hit
a missile
or maybe a plane
it is senseless
and gone in the blink of an eye
i'm at the center of the structure
but outside of it as well
watching from below
the empire state building
collapses much like the wtc did
funneling inward
like a cake
straight down
with only a mushroom cloud of smoke
escaping into the outer regions
but this feels larger
much larger than 9/11
i'm closer now
closer than the two miles
from where i saw the north tower fall
the destruction is indescribable
i literally cannot catch my breath
breathe
breathe
breathe
my mind shouts at itself
-UUGGH-
-UUGGH-
-UUGGH-
my throat hungrily answers back
as ugly, forced inhalations produce worthless puffs of air
tears are welling
and my eyesight begins to blur
no
no
no
no
no
not this
not our city
not this
not again
the destruction is simply too much to bear
our beautiful utopia feels as though it is no more
raped to the point of insanity
carved at until its face is not its own
i cannot breathe as i look up and into the sight of what must be evil
i cannot continue living in what our world has now become
it is over for me
it is over for us all
bombs
bombs
bombs
going off in all parts of the world
i look around and smoke is all i see
it is everywhere
i'm in it
outside of it
and above it all at once
i know it's real
i know it's not
and i know it could be
i'm dreaming
and will wake with a start
wet, nervous
but unaware until later
just what i'd been dreaming of
when this will send a flashbulb shock into the deep recesses of my mind
and then
i will remember
that in my nightmares
the world ended
again.

unowho

speedbump: conquered

mountains: climbed

hurdle: surpassed

obstacle: fine

task: mastered

questions: forever remain

problem: nearly solved

wisdom: today gained


we made it through the wilderness
somehow we made it through

makeshift family vacation(s)

(photo taken at the Bahama Beach Club July, 2005)

my brother's in town from d.c. for the weekend
today and tonight is 2/5 family time
chill
dinner
& drink

it's all there

i could write a lot of overly sentimental ponderings
on the nature of family and growth
but
it wasn't like that between us

just
chill
dinner
& drink

enough said
enough done

my family is too spread out
in my humble opinion
and the reality of our lives will soon be
five humans
in four separate states

but the heart takes you where it will
and we all move on sooner or later

plus
for now
in N.Y.C.
it was
sister and brother
(separately)
but
all in one week

it may not have been enough time with either
but no matter where the years take us
i know
that they're not going
anywhere.

assignment:

Red, Red, Red

from Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine

I don't understand about complimentary colors
And what they say
Side by side, they both get bright
Together, they both get gray
But he's been pretty much yellow
And I've been kind of blue
But all I can see is red, red, RED, RED, RED now
What am I gonna do
I don't understand about diamonds
And why men buy them
What's so impressive about a diamond
except the mining
But it's dangerous work
Trying to get to you, too
And I think, if I didn't have to kill, kill, KILL, KILL, KILL
KILL myself doing it
Maybe I wouldn't think so much of you.
-I've been watching all the time
And I still can't find the tack
But what I want to know, is
Is it ok; is it just fine
-Or is it my fault; is it my lack
I don't understand about
The weather outside
Or the harmony in a tune
Or why somebody lied
-But there's solace, a bit in submitting
To the fitfully, cryptically true
-What's happened has happened,
What's coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play
And I don't understand; I'll never understand
-But I'll try to understand
-There's nothing else I can do.

money

to paraphrase an entry from my second day of blogging ever...

"words.
so many millions have been set down before me. novels, journals, theses, songs, blogs, cave walls
who cares what I think?"

when it comes to money
that's my exact sentiment
i mean
wow
where to even begin with the way it affects us all
but then again
let's be honest here
what more can i really say?

"smoore" please

sometimes you just need to read it
in their words
sometimes there's no other choice

the experience of writing can trap or set you free

accepting the public solace of a keypad and blog
can illuminate a world of truths
when expressed
in their words

be they ever so brilliant
be they ever so true
be they ever so impossible to say

out loud.

rubble remains

a man wants to end his life
but that is not enough
he wants to take those he hates down with him
by any means necessary

"i'll blow up our home"
he thinks to himself
"i'll make her pay"

insane

the rich should be punished for how ungrateful
they can be
how out of touch with the big picture
they so easily become

the hard-working
the believers
would never dream of the selfish destruction
that dr. boom employed

and still the man lives
screaming
"HELP!" "HELP!'
below thirty feet of rubble

the whole world crashed down upon him

and the question remains
freedom
jail
psychiatry
a slap on the wrist

bizarre
and
terrible
at the same time

"i'll blow up our home"
put another scar on the face of new york city
"i'll make her pay"

injustice
breeds
injustice
in this sad, confusing world

Mecca

another casual Sunday
spent with matt at the Elizabeth, New Jersey IKEA Superstore

so much fun
i freakin' LOVE that place
it's like christmas and my birthday all rolled into one
i love it so much i'd have its babies if i wasn't infertile

IKEA is so amazing in fact
that we could NOT force ourselves to stop shopping
and as any shop-a-holic knows
when you can't stop
you'll end up in some pretty ridiculous situations

so
seven hours
yes, SEVEN HOURS
and nearly two thousand dollars later
we had no choice but to rent a moving van just to get our stuff home

beds &
bedside tables &
entertainment centers &
giant mirrors &
picture frame collections &
house plants &
storage units
this place has it all
and yes
sadly
we bought it all
but when everything is so, so, so affordable
it almost feels like you're not even spending money

it's true that at IKEA
you often run the risk of buying
um
crap
but you can also discover some really amazing finds
and there's no question their designs are getting better season after season

i'd venture to say
we definitely sorted out the cream from the crap
so we're pretty ecstatic with all that we bought

there's just something about the place that makes you HAVE to shop
don't tell me you'd be able to walk past a sign reading
"White Tiled House Plant Pots 75 cents each"
and NOT buy at least one...

i mean i don't even eat hot dogs
and that sign makes me want one so frickin' bad it hurts

GAWSH
i love that place!
antiques will always be the ideal way to go
and IKEA will certainly never be the heirloom to last a lifetime
or half a lifetime
or even a quarter of a lifetime...
but then again
that's not really what we're there for is it?

so Matt, if you're reading this...
when can we go back?

all work and no play makes this a dull blog

work was fine
i'm not going into the politics and social drama
of a new york city restaurant
not here
not now
because after my very first official, no-longer-training shift

all TEN HOURS of it

i'm too exhausted to even pretend to be witty
so i'll just tell ya
if you're at a restaurant
no matter what happens
no matter what city you're in

TIP YOUR WAITER 20%
TIP YOUR WAITER 20%
TIP YOUR WAITER 20%

this time
the next time
EVERY TIME
there's absolutely no excuse not to
none whatsoever

but then again
you don't really need to worry
because ya don't have to go crazy with the 25% either
just because you liked Tina and she was So Sweet to little Tyler
Tina will be happy with her 20% thank you very much
but...
if you give her 15%
she will want to cut your head off

and if you're still fighting society on the 20% minimum
for some unknown reason
(probably because you're cheap)
then just keep in mind that generally 30% of every dollar you give your waiter at the end of a meal
IMMEDIATELY
goes to the bussers, the runners. the bartenders, the bar backs, the coffee station employees, the etc. etc. etc...
who only get paid the percentage that the servers fork over to them every night
30%
of your measly 20%
gone in the blink of an eye

now pay up people
i'm sorry to say it but that's just part of eating out
and it may not seem so to you
but your server is probably working a lot harder than you know

OH!
and p.s.
they don't get paid unless you cough it up
so, 20% server tip
every single time
can you promise us that?

it all but guarantees you'll get into heaven

"Da Baddest Be-itch"

miz. chris
a.k.a. the notorious f.a.b.

we'll miss your "diva-licious" ways up here in the Big Apple,
so come back to us soon!

and by we i mean myself, matt, your fans and new york fuckin' city!

May the Mr. Black Booty-Shake forever live in INFAMY!!!

the start...

getting up earlier and earlier lately
mornings are definitely a new concept for me
but somehow
nine
eight
even seven a.m.
i'm awake most days
all on my own
and with no "day-job" at that

the body clock adjusts
semi-adulthood creeps in
and you rise to the call of life

having southern exposure and no curtains in the bedroom
probably doesn't help matters
but i'm wide awake at any rate
and often earlier than matt

i always used to worry
how mom and dad could do it
and i never, ever could

they amazed me
up and at 'em
whistling
joking
makeup
blow-dryers
the sound of high heels on a hard-wood floor
smells of showers
q-tips
breakfast ready or waiting

and the three of us scraggle-heads
tossing
and
turning
and
moaning
and
churning
unable to even conceptualize
joining this world
this early

but here i am
now
reading at 7:10
checking email by 8:00
breakfast eaten and enjoyed no later than 9 o'clock

early, early, early
for a night-worker
and even
earlier, earlier, earlier
for me

'the break-up'

before the fireworks officially kicked off this fourth of july
matt and i spent a day at the movies
'x-men'
'the break-up'
the afternoon was hot and the theatres were cool
so we made it a double header
'x-men' left me neither here nor there
but 'the break-up' more than met expectations

the movie essentially dramatizes the inevitable encounters
experienced when inhabiting a space with the person you love
the question that elicits an argument
the gesture that conjures a storm

relationships are difficult

relationships being different from dating
or friends with benefits
or some sort of agreed upon partnership of convenience
when you live together everything changes
when you live together for the first times in your lifetimes
it can feel like THE WHOLE WORLD changes

i believed with every fiber of my being that
we were meant to walk two by two on this earth
that life was not meant to be spent alone
but with great opportunity
comes great responsibility
and every blessing has its price

happiness is a difficult thing to quantify
i'm happy to be with matt
over the moon in fact
i gather that a majority of the time
he feels the same way towards me
none of this is anyone's business but ours
but what i'm getting at isn't a secret only experienced by us

relationships are difficult

make it work
if you can
get past the disagreements
the roadblocks
and make it work
for yourself
as much as for them

two by two
on this earth
two by two

Co-Independence

photographs don't capture
LIFE

But Thank You to M & B, Hostess Superstars.

And Happy 230th Birthday, America.
You deserve better than what we've given you.

My Confession to You

The Third Time is Definitely the Charm...

the eyes of david blaine

the eyes of david blaine
have haunted me
since our last encounter
via lincoln center's giant orb
and the magic of network t.v.

our brief rendezvous began
as i left a seafood restaurant
in key largo, florida
en route from one place, home

"oh guys!"
i shouted
"this is that bubble thing!"

his time underwater had just begun
and a room-full of misfits & employees
had gathered round the bar's only television set

skeptical
raucous
loud
captivated
we all watched in awe

i pulled up a chair
as matt
or lindsey
or roman
or maybe all three
headed towards the restrooms
preparing for our last leg home

but i sat
i wasn't going anywhere
the clock was ticking
the world was watching
and there was absolutely no pulling me away

as the minutes passed
and jaws fell closer and closer towards the floor
a calm took over my soul

he would do it
this magic man
he would prove the impossible

i believed in him
because of his brilliance
because of his willingness to risk it all
for the sake of art

it became clear at a certain point
that david blaine was not doing well
a deep, dangerous blue arrived in the corners of his face
an even deeper shiver took over his form

i was not familiar with the nature of this feat
i did not know that it involved locks and chains
but he went about the motions of untying himself
and i still very much believed

it was when i saw his eyes
the eyes of david blaine
quiver
shake
fight
refuse to give in
that i knew his time had come

tears beneath the water
was all his body could produce
when pushed to the brink of an unimaginable possibility

carried from the wet
saved
the eyes of david blaine
seemed weak
hopeless
embarrassed
destroyed

but i saw the eyes of a king that night
the eyes of a king reborn
from his womb of water
he was pulled by the jaws of life

magic man

the eyes of david blaine
may haunt me
but when they speak
i hear only
try
try
try
attempt the impossible
try
try
try
and you will never fail

the tables have turned

WEEKENDS
as i've known them
are over
for me
from this moment on

the server's life
is
the actor's life
is
the server's life
is
on and on forward

alright
have a good one
cause i'm off to "work"