hump day re-creation

three blogs behind
oy vey
what even happened this wednesday?
how does one recover the past?

this move
which i promised myself
i'd write about
no more
is bleeding me dry
honestly
terribly

matt is working
while i'm left wallowing in this swamp life
my furniture is boxes
my best friend the broker who calls half-hourly
i need this to be over
i need this to be done

moving is supposed to be exciting
it is not supposed to take three months
it is not supposed to haunt your dreams

the ocd & the anal retentiveness
that has defined the middle part of my life
ok
the entire part of my life
is all-consuming in ways
indescribable
to anyone who hasn't lived it
or studied it professionally

dust and a fleck of cereal in the sink can send me over the edge
so
half-filled boxes and barren walls
with the promise of much more to come
sends super shivers down my already ravaged spine

melodrama this isn't
despite how it may sound

if alcoholism is a disease
then so is this

inhale
exhale

it will all be over soon enough

keep reading 'a million little pieces'
remind yourself that there are bigger messes than you

there is no place like home
there is no place like home
there is no place like home
there is no place like home

grid life

we all miss opportunities to say the important things in life
from time to time.
today i missed the opportunity to say my piece.

but peace anyways.

In Memoriam Day

On this day it is important to remember those who have died. But perhaps, if I may be so bold, it is just as important to remember that we, at this time, possess the power to stop those who have yet to be taken from us.

The President works for the American people. Demand to bring our troops home now. History will tell of this struggle. The relentless fight for truth that ended the war for greed.

We owe it to the men and women who have already given their lives in history's effort for justice, for right. We owe it to the legacy of those soldiers who fought and died for causes both noble and otherwise.

But we must also be shaken awake with the realization that we are living at a time when we can change the very outcome of the lives for whom it is not too late.

Those who are not a calendar date. Those who are not an unofficial start to Summer. Those who stand and sit and stride and sleep in harm's way as we currently speak.

History should have taught us that we owe them more than this. History should have taught us that their lives are not faceless chess pieces moving at our will. History should have taught us not to take war lightly.

In Memoriam for those who served. But In Honor of those who can still be saved.

Sunday

"read at your own risk"

the deposit is in
and the apartment has been 'christened'
by matthew and myself
sure, alright
maybe we're putting the cart before the horse
but we are a young couple
and both of us men
so we need every bit of karmic positivity working for us
that we can possibly get
before we're actually "approved"
and for today
the bathroom hallway worked just fine
some rumpled-up clothes
ten or fifteen minutes of deep eye stares
mixed with the hush of carnal grunting
look, i never said not to "read at your own risk"
and besides
twenty EIGHT apartments i've looked at now
so cut me some slack
at this point i'm just ready for all the madness to end
if for no other reason
than i'm ready to start writing about something
besides searching for somewhere to live
because honestly
it'd really be nice to start writing about
not looking for the apartment
but instead
looking for all the nice things to go inside it

2nd & 2nd (my someday dream home)

the search continues

after what is now TWENTY SIX apartments

that i've seen

grand total

we have MAYBE found the one

it's got most of what we'd been looking for

is in our price range

and the location is one block from the apt. we had a week ago

a security deposit tomorrow

perhaps

but i don't want to jinx it just yet

plus

the quest marches on anyways

because matt wants to be absolutely sure

so, we'll see

in time

the right one will come to us

we'll know if this is it

faith, always

even in the face of uncertainty

but just in case that isn't enough

pray to the gods of real estate

for both of us

please

just try to

first major setback
is right

events like losing your expected home
affect a relationship

deeply
profoundly

the fighting has already begun
the worry, the concern

i'd attempted to find this apartment
before matt moved up here

to alleviate the very stresses
of searching through the muck & mire

that i wanted to spare him
so i could just present the gift of a brand new home

worry free
no strings attached

yes
the muck & the mire were to be avoided at all costs

but here we are
smack dab in the middle of it

there's a blog that i occasionally read
written by two friends

called
joshandjosh.typepad.com

it is similar to this
in that it's more or less the story of a life

or in their case, lives
plural

living and loving
in our fair new york city

their site drops names of the celebrities they see on the street
and tells of exact locations of dates that they go on

it comments on the latest ejected american idol
and fills readers in on their painfully dragged out apt. search

it's interesting
sometimes only mildly

but i go there
because they seem like driven, smart

new york city boys
the type that i could actually be friends with

and i read it for the same reasons i read most blogs
they are just so instantly, deliciously addictive

but the other day
after many, many entries

explaining their attempts to acquire the lease
to a brooklyn apartment

and then their distress over losing that opportunity
to someone else

they announce suddenly that
separately

each will be returning
to their hometown of minneapolis

to sort out the next phase of their lives
unable to have fully moved past this loss

wow
i thought

how could this have happened
to these two

i mean, their shocking, immediate card fold
honestly scared me

just a little bit
but still

it scared me
yet made me pity them too

this
i insist

will not be happening
to us

this
i demand

will not be tearing
us apart

this
i promise

will not make us
give in

the comments
on josh and josh's site

were mostly of the
"geez, too bad but good luck guys"

variety
one person, on the other hand

just wrote the word
"pussies"

and i honestly somehow
agreed

with the asshole
with the jerk

character is built
through obstacles

you never grow
if ya just give in

ok
i'll jump off my soapbox now

i promise
because

i genuinely do wish these strangers
the best of luck

like all their other
supporters do

because
the fact remains

that new york
is bigtime

it doesn't suffer many fools
and you CAN make it anywhere, if you can make it here

i'm staying
yessir

i'll be here
for the long haul

born and bred
well, almost anyways

they'll have to drag me out
kicking and screaming

cause this place is as good as it gets
for sure

even, believe it or not
when you're looking for a place to rest your weary head

Between the Hour of 5:30 and 6:30

a final unnecessary lease signing
(changing the start dates from 5-25 to 6-01)

after a long and arduous apartment search, this is the second finalized lease signing
for the exact same apartment
that we've attended this week

already approved
already credit checked
already guarantored
already promised

shady operations exist everywhere

a page of the landlord's lease
regarding legalized rent increases after repairs
is seen
by us
due to its inclusion in the stack of papers
which we'd been brought in to sign

"do we get a copy of this?" matt asks
"yeah, cause this page isn't included in what you're giving to us?" i myself wonder

a phone call is made
to the landlord
and the broker
by the broker's brother, eli
who is handling today's proceedings
while both other men are on
"vacation"

and suddenly, for no explainable reason
the landlord is angry
or the broker is angry
or we are angry
it's all still so unclear

what is known
is that whatever their secret page refers to, it should not have been seen by our eyes
some hidden clause that the broker's brother
fucked up
and showed to us
some lie on their part that presumably would have bit us in the ass
sooner or later

17 apartments i've looked at within the last few months
nearly 4 weeks i've spent at this particular broker's "office"
being approved
in literally every way that two people can be approved
credit checks
two month's security
first month's rent
guarantor forms signed and notarized
all paid
to these guys

"here take it back. the apartment is off the market."
the broker's brother yells
ILLEGALLY
as he pulls the checks from his drawer and throws them in our direction

then he leaves
us
alone in his "office"

after threatening to lock the doors
after threatening to take us to court
after threatening to have us arrested
he just leaves
just grabs the finalized leases and walks out the door

then the cops arrive

as we're standing in the middle of an office
alone
that is in no way ours

baffled, saddened, angry and in shock
(still trying to wrap what's happening around our minds)
(confused as to how a 5 minute office procedure devolved into this)

matthew and i are in the midst of explaining the situation
to the two officers of the law
when this slimy, sneaky, shady little jewish twat, who'd tried to use the yarmulke on his head as a reason to trust him
comes waltzing right back in
and then proceeds to slimily, sneakily and shadily lie to the police

"I NEED TO SEE A COPY OF THIS LEASE"
officer cella forcefully booms
"I don't have it"
brother eli lies
"WHAT? IT JUST FLEW AWAY? IT JUST DISAPPEARED?"
officer cella booms back
"CAUSE YOU'RE BULLSHITTING ME. AND THAT'S WHEN I GET ANGRY. I DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO BEING BULLSHITTED."
"well, um, uh"
slimy eli fumbles
searching for his lie
"well, um, uh, i have to go get it. it'll take about ten minutes."

hardened but surprised, officer cella takes this man's i.d.
"SO YOU DON'T BAIL OUT ON US AND LEAVE ME STANDIN' HERE LIKE AN ASSHOLE WITH A FINGER UP MY BUTT."

and we wait

phone calls are made to parents
questions are asked to cops
the other officer gives matt the number for the better business bureau
and we are told that this is a civil matter
so if we'd like to take it any further we'd need to handle the situation there

after about fifteen minutes
eli returns
'i cannot give them the lease and i cannot show it to you"
jaws drop to the floor
i'm half expecting this cop to cuff him right there
but instead
i see officer cella's eyes get really big
and then
"FAIR ENOUGH"
he says
before turning to us
and saying
"YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SETTLE THIS IN CIVIL COURT. I'M SORRY THAT I COULDN'T DO MORE FOR YA."

civil court
yeah right
the money that we've paid them has been returned
and all we'd be fighting for
is our legal right to move into a building
that is obviously managed by psychopaths

my only concern now
aside from starting this fucking god-awful apartment search again
from scratch
is that these criminal men continue to have our personal information
application forms included everything from
social security cards and current residences
to
bank statements and tax returns

good god
between the hour of 5:30 and 6:30
this life that i'd attempted to set up for matthew and myself
took its first major blow to the face

we'll be ok
for now
maybe this is all just a blessing in disguise

we're still bunkin' at my nolita apartment
so at least we have a place to sleep
and we did leave their "office" physically unharmed
but still...

at any rate
it turns out that after all of this
matt had been the one to call the cops
while i was still attempting to talk this eli guy off the ledge
and calmly, respectfully, even-temperedly get our apartment back
before it all went to shit

but the question remains...
"what happens when two queers, a jew and a couple of cops walk into an office handling unlicensed, unofficial, illegal affairs?"

i dunno, you tell me.

cause i've missed the punchline here
and all i've got to show for it so far is a blog entry and the heightened awareness that my boyfriend and i have less than one week to find somewhere else to live

Vintage V

Originally written in my journal upon the return from a semester abroad in Paris
January 12, 2004

This place. This city that I so identify with. New York. Manhattan. NYC. The Big Apple.
I'm returning to it.

It's gone on for so long without me.
I've gone on for so long without it.

I'm honestly really scared right now.

Floating over a purple sea of cotton candy lined with the pink of another day's sunset I travel from one place to another.

The flight attendants crisscross the aisles as a woman one row up re-applies her makeup. My dog watches from my lap in wonder. The sky somehow beneath her paws, horizons reflecting in her big brown eyes as they come alive with the wonder of discovery. A grin spreads on her furry face.

The cabin rattles a little. Turbulence. And now, with Bradshaw resting safely at my feet, I suddenly see only darkness at my window. The pink has changed to black and we appear to have entered a storm.

New York is mad with me.
I have strayed. Cheated. Slept with someone else's continent. Some foreign bed.
I fear I will be punished.

I laugh a little to myself. It doesn't seem to be the returning to old (new) friends that worries me. It isn't the concept of turning 22 in a week or even the reality that I will be graduating with a degree in of all things "Drama" at the end of this final semester.

New York itself has gotten me anxious, on edge.

It all feels rather hopeless - very give in now, it's all too much to handle - but then I look out the window and beside my own reflection I see this city, it's lights, emerging through the storm.

And there's no other way around it.
I'm home.

You can't go Home again.

or rather, you can but it just won't be the same.
you'll feel older.
your time will seem unquestionably precious.
the family will still love you.
and for the most part big events remain the same.
but towns change.
as does all.
the old dino put-put course where you never played has become an empty lot.
the big beautiful field you'd never fully noticed now houses brand new sets of suburban row homes.
the streets will be of broader size.
the skyline a completely different shape.
the faces unfamiliar.
and the experience unlike any you'd known while dying to get out.
but the backyard.
the backyard.
will shine its summer sun-drenched splendor as only backyards can.
peace sun.
whole spirit rays.
life confirmation, it's all gonna be ok, sun.
three and a half days is not enough.
in arkansas.
for me.
i want more time with family, life blood, outdoors, friends.
i want more time at home.

"The Speech that elicited Cheers and Boos"

Published in the Northwest Arkansas Times
Sunday May 21, 2006

Speaker to FHS grads: Break bonds of conventional thinking
By Kate Ward

Nearly 6,000 friends and family members poured into Bud Walton Arena on the campus of the University of Arkansas Saturday for a graduation ceremony that featured mixed emotions.

Robert Neralich, a humanities teacher at Fayetteville High School, served as the keynote speaker during the school’s 96th annual commencement ceremony. During his speech, Neralich encouraged the graduating class of 2006 to examine the world around them and not to accept things as they are. "We all tend to swim, at least somewhat unconsciously, in an ocean of conventional thinkings, doings and believings that we rarely question, making the assumption that these customary ways of thinking, doing and believing that we have inherited from our predecessors, are the only possible ones, or at least that they are the best ones," he said. "It is, of course, a major call to the ongoing process of self education to disabuse ourselves of these foolish notions and to discover that the water in which we swim, always in some measure, distorts and limits our perception of what constitutes both reality and truth."

Neralich, who has been teaching at Fayetteville High for about 15 years and has about 30 years of overall teaching experience, challenged the students to think of controversial issues in an unconventional way. "Many of you are aware that a professor at the UA was recently dismissed from his teaching post," he said. "I was appalled by his statement that one reason for his firing was that his administrative superiors did not approve of his unorthodox teaching methods and preferred faculty members who were not controversial.

"As a teacher, I am profoundly distressed that the term ‘controversial’ can be rendered so readily in a negative sense. When I think about controversial people, the names that occur to me constitute many of the world’s greatest benefactors. "

As Neralich challenged students to question controversial issues such as immigration, oil prices and economy, audience members showed mixed emotions. While most offered supportive applause, others shouted for Neralich to get off the stage. But despite the audience’s response, most of the high school seniors appeared supportive of Neralich’s views.

"Do not be discouraged on your sojourn through life by the chorus of conventional twits who tell you that the water in which you swim is just fine just the way it is, "he told the students." Do not attempt to respond to the critical council of obedient servants, good soldiers, corporate quantifiers and dress-for-success bureaucrats who will urge you to extinguish the candle of your creative potential. "

Neralich closed by praising the accomplishments of the Fayetteville High School graduating class and urging them, above all, to become controversial members of society.

i never had Dr. Neralich during my years at FHS
he taught Asian Studies
and I was more of an A.P. Lit kinda guy
11 years he's been VOTED by students to be keynote speaker
of the high school graduating class
11 years he's stood before them and spoken his mind
but now
perhaps because of the very bureaucracy to which he espouses against
it looks as though perhaps he might be choosing to leave the school
for good
his speech was in many ways inappropriate
more or less just opportunistic preaching of his political beliefs through the thin veil of "asking students to ponder difficult questions"
but in many more ways it was inexpressibly Appropriate
forcing his young not to leave the stale commencement ceremony with a vague sense of entitlement
but rather with a strong sense of moral direction and a keen desire to think
bravery like his comes along too rarely
bravery in the face of hisses and boos
bravery in the face of conflict, be it ever so uncomfortable
grown men booed at his insistence for literacy
actually booed at the concept of reading a book
booed, booed, booed
i really can't wrap my mind around it
and thusly
i cannot say it enough
Dr. Neralich
that odd, elfish figure
who's class i'd never considered taking
and who gave the speech that shook the rafters off Bud Walton Arena
deserves mine and your utter appreciation today
BRAVO
bravery inspires the masses
and the masses have certainly been changed

A Long Way From Here.

The last sibling Graduates.
Congratulations Susan.
Life moves forward.
I Love You.

Your future is bright.

The Da Vinci Whore

Alright, you can't say I didn't fight it. But against all the odds (and my better judgment) I finally gave in. I caved. Converted to the dark side, or rather at least, the extremely popular side. Yes, just over a week ago I began reading "The Da Vinci Code."

It wasn't that I hadn't heard over and over again how much I'd love the book. On a family vacation a year ago (or was it two years ago?... this novel has seemingly been in our public consciousness for decades) I remember my dad feverishly recounting key plot points as he devoured the book whole in nearly one sitting.

"When you lived in Paris did you visit Saint-Sulpice?" "Oh, remember the Louvre?" "Uh oh, they're driving down the Champs Elysees!" "Wow! This character grew up loving Disney movies just like you!"

He went on and on, and it wasn't so much that my interest wasn't peaked as it was that I simply had no intention of reading a novel that practically every single other human on earth was reading at that exact same moment.

Needless to say, this is no longer my position. With the film version entering movie theatres this evening WORLDWIDE I very much found my interest peaked. It didn't help that every bookstore I entered was flooded with the countless obligatory 'companion' or 'rebuttal' editions.

Just scratching the surface I discovered "The Truth Behind the Da Vinci Code," "Exposing the Da Vinci Code," "Unlocking the Da Vinci Code," "Rejecting the Da Vinci Code," "The Da Vinci Code: Fact or Fiction," "Cracking Da Vinci's Code," and "Cracking Da Vinci's Code: Student Edition."

However, I knew that before the movie was to be seen or the companion editions were to be peered over I had to finally give in and crack the spine of that novel whose very jacket design had once given me a strong yet snobbish sense of disgust.

And shockingly enough, the book turned out to be wonderful. I believe that perhaps I am the last human being on the planet to have read this Goliath of a work of fiction. But if by chance you are in fact the VERY last in line, then by all means crack the spine yourself (and the code if you belong in Mensa).

Certainly, the last thing author Dan Brown needs is an endorsement from the likes of me, but his stunning work of historical fiction truly is a mind-opening, thrilling and fast-paced read.

From what I hear, the film leaves much to be desired. But with the original novel the mystery is easy to de-code, people are reading this book because it's brilliant. And it doesn't take a Harvard symbo-cryto-whatever-o-ologist to figure that out. Proudly be the last person to read it today.

Goodbye.

"Honey, what's this? What's happening? What's going on?"

"God help the sister who comes between me and my mister!"

"Ok, but I'm a straight woman so this means nothing."

"It's not the Will and Grace show, it's called Just Jack!"


Thanks for the laughter, the memories and the joy.
You were groundbreaking in ways that we're no longer even able to recognize. The door has been opened and we'll miss you, all.

opening night

our first night
together
we ran into six people from my past
six people from another life
six people who literally knew me when
obviously we need to spend more time in chelsea
cause that's where they all are
insane
tonight we're going to a goodbye celebration
for a co-worker of his
the beginning of her new life
marching right alongside
the start of ours
i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared
with all my blessings
and all my luck
the single life was not supposed to be over
not now
not yet
it didn't happen this way for ms. bradshaw
and it wasn't supposed to happen this way for me
but
i'm happy
with our mess
and
that happiness
in its own way
makes up for the fear
that this is too much, too soon
that i will regret allowing my heart to open if all this goes to shit
that i'm not or never will be a couple-person
i know
that there are a million chapters in the life ahead
and that
this just happens to be the one i'm on right now
being around other young people
living lives together
helps
it can be done
it is amazing
i didn't dream this all these years for nothing
matt's here
i'm here

goodnight.

GOD

Arrival.
Beginning.
Genesis.
The Next Part.

The plane should be landing any minute now.
The phone will begin to ring shortly.
The shiver will make itself quickly up the spine.
And a smile will grow.

This is it.
One year in the making.
Bags packed.
Ready.

All preparations are in order.
All thought and truth have been said.
Wish and you shall be granted.
I can't believe that the moment is now.

Thank you God.
Thank you Taft.
Thank you parents.
Thank you destiny.

The last nearly 365 days have led to this.
One moment.
One existence.
One life.

Arrival.
Beginning.
Genesis.
The Next Part.

Matthew arrives.

Texas Tawk

CC: I can't imagine you haven't been working all this time. Tell me what you've been doing besides smoking pot?

DR: Keeping busy. Doing a lot for my mom. Planting new grass, yard work. She needed a lot done.

CC: Well, have you been doing anything for yourself? Any reading or something to make you happy?

DR: I watch the court shows on TV, Judge Judy and all those. I like to do that more than read.

DA: Oh.

DR: You get a lot of free information that way. Things about a misdemeanor and felonies. That's important to know. That's bettering yourself.

CC: Uh huh.

DR: Cause I don't trust cops.

CC: Oh, cops aren't so bad. A cop might save your life someday.

DA: Yeah, cops are your friends.

DR: Not Texas cops.


There are places in this world that better you. Places that expand your frame of reference, changing your very being in some unalterable way. Texas is not that place. Not for me anyway. This was not the first time I've been to Texas, and it almost certainly will not be the last. But this is definitely the time that cemented it as "not my kind of place." They say that everything's bigger in Texas and they're right. Big trucks. Big hair. Big highways. Big bellies. Big business. Driving down the interstate I was blown away by the number of "high-end" chain restaurants a person has the unfortunate opportunity of choosing from. Seeing their two-ton signs swing by me I was hit not with a pain of hunger, but with one of immediate and visceral indigestion. Fish Daddy's, Fudruckers, Waterloo, Johnny Carino's, Luby's, Outback Steakhouse, Whataburger, Macaroni Grill, Chili's, Posado's Cafe, Golden Wok, Cheddar's, McAlister's Deli, Red Robin, Village Inn, Bennigan's, IHOP, and some place shiveringly known as Grandy's. The list was literally endless. Places I had eaten at before and places I had never even heard of, recognized as corporately branded chains only by their enormous cookie cutter neon signs, each identical to the next. I'm not giving Texas a fair shot, of this I am aware. No state deserves to be judged by its highways alone. But I found it odd that with all of the heavily advertised products shining down at me from their billboards high above those traffic-jammed streets (shilling everything from Chick Fil-A sandwiches to a mentality involving a baby's head sprouting the thought bubble "God loves me! And he believes that life begins in this first three weeks of conception!") that with all of these products I happened to glance a small, rusty, wood framed sign a good quarter mile off the highway. The small billboard did not have a prominent and expensive spot along the heavily traveled strip, most likely because it didn't seem to have the corporate backed investments writing the checks. It simply said "Deepen the Art in Texas." And while it may very well have also been a cleverly worded Pro-Life campaign, it struck me as the real deal. A call to reclaim Texas (or perhaps create anew) as a center of important cultural activity and free-thought. Who knows? Texas could be amazing, in the right spots. But I'm glad to be coming home. New York tells the story of my life.

The Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Happy Mother's Day!

We all love you more than we can ever say and more than you could ever know. Without your relentless goodness towards humanity we simply would not be the people who we are today.

Through you we have been shaped, molded, through you we have blossomed. And because of you we will return time and time again with nothing less than opened arms, unable to fully hold all that you have done for us, all that you have given, all that you truly are.

I love you. You are forever a part of me.

Mom. Life giver. Life receiver. Life.

"aw"stin

Well, I'm here. Our director of photography missed his flight, so we won't be filming until tomorrow morning, but I am here.

With nothing else in particular to do, I decided not long after my arrival to take a walk. The sun was in its early setting stage, warmth radiated off the grass around me and a deeper calling to get outdoors rang from within.

I took a long stroll around the streets of this cozy, almost numbingly quiet suburb town and found myself before too long at the large outdoor track and field of a neighborhood elementary school.

At first I was slightly wary of entering. I was in Texas after all, and couldn't imagine they took too kindly to a shaggy haired twenty-something male wandering around a child's playground at dusk.

Truth be told, I wouldn't have entered at all were it not for the overwhelming sensation of fullness from my first Texas meal and the following sensation to attempt to walk it off at all costs.

When I got to the field I was surprised to see a small group of a dozen or so boys playing a game of flag football. As I got nearer I was even more surprised, and delightfully so, to see that one of the boys was in fact a little girl, pony-tailed and rough-edged, the only one on the team.

A few moms and siblings sat in the bleachers watching the casual drills while playing remote controlled trucks. It all seemed so simple. Deceptively so, I pointed out a while later to my on-screen mom. "Nothing is ever fully as it seems."

The aura of childhood is not the rose colored existence we paint it to be in later life. Growing up is hard. The lack of freedoms we so desperately wish for. The often impossible task of fully grasping who and what we really are, are not, sound like, look like, smell like, will be and will never be. The near constant pressure to make the grade week after week, test after test with the prize in question none other than that of our FUTURE.

(This, I think in particular we forget as adults, how hard it was to have this burden resting on our tiny shoulders for so very many years) Still, it looked pretty quaint.

And the sight made me both sad for the innocence lost since my own childhood and simultaneously hopeful for the childhood that will someday enter my life again. I've never been a person who enjoyed sports. But I've always seen myself as the type of Dad who would love a good game of Tee Ball.

It hurt just a little bit, seeing them there. Family. When family was still a coherent and tangible unit. Before it became defined by cities in the Northeast and universities in the Deep South.

As I walked away it dawned on me that the only contribution I would be making to this community, to these lives or to this evening was the spit I would be leaving in the fine red gravel track ahead of me.

I spit, clearing some of that Texan grease from behind my throat, and then walked on. I had watched long enough. My story was not theirs and I would never want it to be. It was time to return to the house. For this was their lives, not mine.

overly precious dribble

it is 1:24 am
my flight for austin takes off in just over six hours
i'm going to bed
for a bit
then showering, kissing bradshaw on the face and heading for lga
perhaps i'll be away from my computer for the next couple days
perhaps i'll be blogging away
you never know
when traveling's involved
but
every day a blog
every single day
cause they're always in my head
even when they take just a little bit longer
to make it
right up here
so...
alright
happy days to all
and i hope your nights are full
your dreams are vivid
and your thoughts inspired
because
expression is the key
to everything
to life
i've said it here before
and i'll say it here again
start a blog
write
paint
talk
even FEEL if you're able
do it today
do it now
do it period
c'mon
i dare ya.

Pomp and Circumstance

Today was the Commencement Ceremony for New York University, held in Washington Square Park. I did not attend the festivities but realized that they were upon us yesterday evening when the Empire State Building glowed purple and white in recognition of my alma mater's school colors.

It has been two years since I marched through that giant arch in lower Manhattan with little more than a smile, some sense of bewilderment and that billowing cap and gown. The time since that day (the one I often thought would never come) has brought with it challenges, surprises and many, many questions as to the very necessity of a B.F.A. in Drama. But never have I questioned getting an education. Never have I doubted that it invariably served me as a human being. Never would I ever take it back.

The concept of learning has been on my mind quite a bit lately, specifically the process of a higher education. The ponderings began with the onslaught of graduation announcements that arrived at my door, but developed further when I traveled to Florida to celebrate the graduation of my boyfriend Matthew, who is the first in his family to graduate from College and who exits his final semester at school Cum Laude with all A's in his Biomedical Sciences Major and Biomedical Physics minor.

I was overwhelmed with pride for his efforts and because of these feelings found myself listening especially closely to the two women sitting behind me on my bus ride home from the airport. They were discussing the goings on of our current graduation season and had many tidbits of information to bestow regarding their extended family members' achievements. One of the women was Black, the other was Spanish, both were older, and they were friends, traveling from one place to the next.

These ladies talked on and on about their nieces' and nephews' ceremonies. One of the two went into detail about how she had managed to persuade her daughter to enroll in college here at home. And I couldn't help but chuckle to myself as she described her reasonings. Having myself come from a place that considers the Big City to be generally exciting but often equally terrifying, this woman cited her beliefs stemmed from the impression that "All kinds of crazy stuff goes on down South. No, she'll be safer up here with the family."

I listened to them for some time, tuning in and tuning out. They had much to say to each other, but the main impression I got from these women had nothing to do with their personal relationships and neither did it have anything to do with their opinions regarding the Southern sector of the United States. What I took from these women was a strong sense of their pride.

Oh, how they went on about this cousin and that niece. About so and so's daughter or his and her's grandson. "You can do it." They both agreed. "You can get an education today... He went to school for Dentistry... She did it too. She really did." And I nodded because it was noble what they were saying to each other and I smiled because it genuinely gave me hope.

The subway signs posted on the walls of nearly every train are correct. "You Can Have a Better Tomorrow." "Your Future Can Begin Today." "There Is a Road That Leads to Success and Hope and Promise and Fulfillment." It begins with an education. It begins with the willingness to try.

The Green Mile

Getting through College came with its fair share of challenges and setbacks. Coming to terms with an unpopular sexual preference wasn't always a walk in the park. Allowing myself to be open to the realities of love is an ongoing journey. And looking for an apartment really sucks. But I've learned in this time that nothing, I repeat nothing, even COMES CLOSE to the trials and tribulations of making that ever-so impossible transition from cream based salad dressings to those other health-conscious, disgusting, tasteless, evil kinds.

I was a boy raised on Blue Cheese and Ranch, often times enjoying even a Peppercorn Ranch or Hearty Blue Cheese. As an adolescent I grew to love all things Caesar and could often be found drowning my lettuce leaves in its rich splendor. The jokes would come and go regarding my greens to toppings ratio. And they often went something like, "Hey, you enjoying that salad with your dressing?" But I'd giggle and grin A. Because I was skinny. And B. Because I knew that even though pizza was inevitably on the upcoming dinner menu, for lunch I was being healthy. I WAS EATING SALAD, GODDAMIT!

Well, you can imagine my horror when I discovered, Shock Of Shocks, that a mixed green mealtime treat covered with often even the slightest bit of cream or oil-based dressing (a.k.a. pretty much ALL the good ones) will be just as fattening and calorie filled as a Bacon Cheeseburger! I just could not and would not believe such a story. I mean come on, a salad simply cannot be as bad for you as a Bacon Cheeseburger! Until I asked around and pretty much everyone conferred. It's not that the salad is any worse for you. In fact, in many ways it's better. But a salad containing any of the dressings mentioned above can be just as fattening as, yes, our good friend from the cow family. Moo!

Which got me to thinking about all these new "healthy option" salads suddenly available at our local fast food restaurants. You know the ones with the Bacon Ranch and the "Crispy" Fried Chicken on top? If all this information is true then that would mean that as America's obese grimaces down that generally unsavory Salad Choice while greedily eyeing the Big Mac combo (but secretly patting themselves on the back for taking the healthy route) then they are actually consuming something no better for them than a Quarter Pounder with Cheese or a Fried Fish Filet.

It's HARD to be healthy in today's time. Taking care of your body can seem downright impossible without the availability of a personal trainer, private chef, dietician, god-given appetite for organically unprocessed foods and a bank account to support each of these requirements. Literally every single bit of food we see on television, print and at the check out aisle of our grocery stores is bad for us. French fries, Oreos, Pringles, Burger King, Candy Bars, Soda pop. This is what we see every day. This is what is easy. This is what is fast. And often, most importantly, this is what is cheap.

But it's seeming to me that nowadays everything that's cheap is bad, unless you know exactly where to look. And everything easy or affordable or ingeniously advertised comes with its own secret and dangerous price. The transition from readily-available to right-for-you is hard to make but is designed that way I suppose. Often times there's no way around it but through it.

I love foods that are bad for me. I could easily continue enjoying them until the end of time. And they will certainly always play some sort of role in my eating habits. The thought of a world filled only with Fat Free Italian, Raspberry Vinaigrette or Calorie Free Sundried Tomato Water-Goop is a pretty terrifying one. But then again, a life filled only with pizzas and cupcakes and batter dipped fish sticks gives me heartburn just at the thought. There is room for both. Not one without the other. Balance, like they say, Balance to everything. It's gonna take one bite at a time. One day at a time. The fork in the road is now, and this is the time to choose which path works best for you.

200

200 times I've sat down here to write.
200 times I've attempted to say something.
200 times I have worked and have ravaged.
200 days.
200 nights.
200 entries, here, in this place.
200 messages, questions and thoughts.
200 answers to what can't be answered.
200 feelings, no much more than that.
200 parts of me, tiny yet beautiful.
200 pieces and yet so much more.
200 self-indulgences.
200 births.
200 crimes.
200 times I've succeeded?
200 times that I've failed?

KEY WEST

MIAMI

The Big Graduate!

I couldn't be prouder.
CONGRATU-LOTIONS!
The family poolside picnic was amazing.
Thank you especially to Aaron for stopping by and to Tara for the incredible gift (we can't wait)!
So now Doctor Matthew Steven, Roman, Lindsey and myself are off to Miami and Key West for the Graduation Celebration to end all others!
You deserve it babe!
The sky's the limit and your life will be all that you've dreamed it to be.
Alright, okey-doke, I'm holding everybody up...
So, suntan here I come!

flight back to start the next

early morning
flight day
so much inside
like floating
but not awake as well

i'm groggy
sleepy-eyed
on edge
and nervous too
an acidic sensation arises inside my chest and throat
but i combat its destruction
with deep inhalations
followed by even deeper exhales

the flight made me pretty nervous
having just seen 'united 93'
but i think i saved myself
just a little
by watching 'soul plane' on demand two nights back
there are in fact two sides to every story
remind yourself of both
realize that one's air experience is not inherently yours
(knock on wood)

learn
and then
laugh
one follows one follows one

i'm here now
and it's peaceful
just as it should be
matt graduates tomorrow
and i couldn't be prouder
of him and of all his accomplishments
all of the good that he's already done
in his just-starting-out-right-now-life

the realization comes
like clockwork
your eyes roll but i continue on
because
the realizations can't be stopped
they can only not be written about

this is life
this is my life
and it's finally starting to take the shape
that will inevitably be its shape
forever

a million others have made these trips
experienced these milestones
and felt exactly what i'm feeling now
this just happens to be when i'm
traveling, experiencing and feeling
them for myself
and you just happen to be reading about it
for whatever reason brings you here

it doesn't need to mean all that much to you
but it sure means plenty to me.

"ARISE AND GO!"

Run don't walk to "Awake and Sing!" on Broadway

as thrilling a night in the theatre as is humanly imaginable

as poetic and profound a play as could ever be written

as relevant and necessary a political dialogue as ever before

one of america's all-time best playwrights, clifford odets

with what is quite possibly his masterwork

revived in its original theatre

with a resplendent cast

and as beautiful a production as can be

see it now

you will be changed

"So long."

"So long."

S.J.P.-yew!

Alright, she had a good run. But me thinks that our beloved Sarah Jessica's days as Fashion's Leading Lady are now officially over.

No.
Fucking.
Excuse.

Breathe Be and Move On

sometimes the world closes in on you
sometimes you feel like you just can't catch your breath
the panic enters
you feel it rising
and the escape just won't come
soon enough
or at all
it's in these times that you either face it
or succumb to it
the fear
the anxiety
the worry
the doubt
and everybody's got their own secret remedy
to take this stress away
for me
it's Bed Bath and Beyond
more employees than shoppers
floor on top of floor
and aisle beyond aisle
of every possible thing that you could ever need
for your
well...
bed, bath or beyond
peace
enters quickly
inner still
rises to the top
and the first deep breath in days
comes without fail
once i'm browsing the bends of this heaven on earth
ahhhhhhhhhhh
i'm home
and we're gonna be ok after all

undiscovered brooklyn

i wandered today
wandered with purpose
but wandered just the same

from what was described as williamsburg
but wasn't
to what was described as clinton hill
but wasn't either
from the east side to bed stuy
and somewhere back again

along the way
i trekked through a part of brooklyn
i'd never fully known existed
in this capacity

there were no hipsters
no lezzies
no heath or michelle
but only jews
thousands and thousands of jews
for block after block after block after block
as far as the eyes could see

there were
jewish men traveling in fours
jewish ladies scurrying beside their young
jewish toddlers
jewish teens
and all dressed in traditional, orthodox garb
with hats and coats and curls galore
not one after the other
but ten by ten
at a time

embarrassed with myself
only slightly
for my inability to keep from singing
"matchmaker" aloud

my rolled-sleeve madonna concert tee
yankees baseball cap
and digital camera neck ornament
showed me for what i truly was
obscene
scandalous
and something somewhat shameful
to these groups of plaid-dressed girls
who giggled their ways home from school
seemingly confused
and possibly slightly intrigued
by the odd, older, christian boy
who was forbidden fruit
and the "un"chosen one
all at once

it was exciting to see this rich a culture
this powerfully strong a community
for the first ten or fifteen blocks
but when i hadn't see a man, woman or child
not dressed in traditional orhodox attire
come block number twenty
i started to get a little concerned

this was a ghetto
i realized as the leg-ache set in
this was a ghetto
plain and simple
the same way chelsea ghetto-izes homos
and kips bay ghetto-fies the jappy, wallstreet, post-frat, useless trash

and as i continued to walk
street by street
i started to question
how only one kind of people could inhabit an area this large
before i stopped
and re-evaluated
the way my mind was working

this was not one KIND of people
this was one religion
and there was a difference
diversity exists everywhere
every-single-where
and here
even here

i exited this community
maybe around block number thirty or so
and was somewhat sad to see it go
this was an eye-opening experience after all
and any time i get to travel on foot
through a neighborhood i haven't seen before
in this city that i love
well, that's a day well spent

but in conclusion
i'll beg your forgiveness
because my swelled appreciation
for this culture
in no way makes up for my relative lack of knowledge
in it

so with that
the most painfully cliched response imaginable
seems to be the only one i know

l'chaim
l'chaim
to life