Between the Hour of 5:30 and 6:30

a final unnecessary lease signing
(changing the start dates from 5-25 to 6-01)

after a long and arduous apartment search, this is the second finalized lease signing
for the exact same apartment
that we've attended this week

already approved
already credit checked
already guarantored
already promised

shady operations exist everywhere

a page of the landlord's lease
regarding legalized rent increases after repairs
is seen
by us
due to its inclusion in the stack of papers
which we'd been brought in to sign

"do we get a copy of this?" matt asks
"yeah, cause this page isn't included in what you're giving to us?" i myself wonder

a phone call is made
to the landlord
and the broker
by the broker's brother, eli
who is handling today's proceedings
while both other men are on
"vacation"

and suddenly, for no explainable reason
the landlord is angry
or the broker is angry
or we are angry
it's all still so unclear

what is known
is that whatever their secret page refers to, it should not have been seen by our eyes
some hidden clause that the broker's brother
fucked up
and showed to us
some lie on their part that presumably would have bit us in the ass
sooner or later

17 apartments i've looked at within the last few months
nearly 4 weeks i've spent at this particular broker's "office"
being approved
in literally every way that two people can be approved
credit checks
two month's security
first month's rent
guarantor forms signed and notarized
all paid
to these guys

"here take it back. the apartment is off the market."
the broker's brother yells
ILLEGALLY
as he pulls the checks from his drawer and throws them in our direction

then he leaves
us
alone in his "office"

after threatening to lock the doors
after threatening to take us to court
after threatening to have us arrested
he just leaves
just grabs the finalized leases and walks out the door

then the cops arrive

as we're standing in the middle of an office
alone
that is in no way ours

baffled, saddened, angry and in shock
(still trying to wrap what's happening around our minds)
(confused as to how a 5 minute office procedure devolved into this)

matthew and i are in the midst of explaining the situation
to the two officers of the law
when this slimy, sneaky, shady little jewish twat, who'd tried to use the yarmulke on his head as a reason to trust him
comes waltzing right back in
and then proceeds to slimily, sneakily and shadily lie to the police

"I NEED TO SEE A COPY OF THIS LEASE"
officer cella forcefully booms
"I don't have it"
brother eli lies
"WHAT? IT JUST FLEW AWAY? IT JUST DISAPPEARED?"
officer cella booms back
"CAUSE YOU'RE BULLSHITTING ME. AND THAT'S WHEN I GET ANGRY. I DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO BEING BULLSHITTED."
"well, um, uh"
slimy eli fumbles
searching for his lie
"well, um, uh, i have to go get it. it'll take about ten minutes."

hardened but surprised, officer cella takes this man's i.d.
"SO YOU DON'T BAIL OUT ON US AND LEAVE ME STANDIN' HERE LIKE AN ASSHOLE WITH A FINGER UP MY BUTT."

and we wait

phone calls are made to parents
questions are asked to cops
the other officer gives matt the number for the better business bureau
and we are told that this is a civil matter
so if we'd like to take it any further we'd need to handle the situation there

after about fifteen minutes
eli returns
'i cannot give them the lease and i cannot show it to you"
jaws drop to the floor
i'm half expecting this cop to cuff him right there
but instead
i see officer cella's eyes get really big
and then
"FAIR ENOUGH"
he says
before turning to us
and saying
"YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SETTLE THIS IN CIVIL COURT. I'M SORRY THAT I COULDN'T DO MORE FOR YA."

civil court
yeah right
the money that we've paid them has been returned
and all we'd be fighting for
is our legal right to move into a building
that is obviously managed by psychopaths

my only concern now
aside from starting this fucking god-awful apartment search again
from scratch
is that these criminal men continue to have our personal information
application forms included everything from
social security cards and current residences
to
bank statements and tax returns

good god
between the hour of 5:30 and 6:30
this life that i'd attempted to set up for matthew and myself
took its first major blow to the face

we'll be ok
for now
maybe this is all just a blessing in disguise

we're still bunkin' at my nolita apartment
so at least we have a place to sleep
and we did leave their "office" physically unharmed
but still...

at any rate
it turns out that after all of this
matt had been the one to call the cops
while i was still attempting to talk this eli guy off the ledge
and calmly, respectfully, even-temperedly get our apartment back
before it all went to shit

but the question remains...
"what happens when two queers, a jew and a couple of cops walk into an office handling unlicensed, unofficial, illegal affairs?"

i dunno, you tell me.

cause i've missed the punchline here
and all i've got to show for it so far is a blog entry and the heightened awareness that my boyfriend and i have less than one week to find somewhere else to live