countdown to thirty...

the last hours as a person
in my twenties..

shocking
shocking how life sneaks up on you

this afternoon
as i tiptoed back out into the world
after days of prolonged hibernation
(weekends during the coldest days of winter will do that to you)
i was blown away by the humanity

it's all around us

a young black boy on the train in oversized hand-me-down clothes
fishing for something in his backpack
a book(!)
he stands alone, earnest, sincere
reading "Dragons of the Cauldron" or something like that

i wanted to say that i was proud of him
for reading
for traveling by himself
for seeming so brave

but he was not my son

the boy
the profile of a man on the subway
the smile of a 'boardwalk empire' costume designer as she fit me into my suit
glimmers of a life i know i'll lead
partnership, work, a family
love

puzzle pieces
still being searched for..

my twenties have been about so many things

fun, frivolity
learning to be a man- through error more than trial
stepping out of my comfort zone into just about every job that came my way

actor, painter, casting intern, production assistant,
telesales caller, p.r. novice, off broadway script supervisor
host, waiter, gallerista, talent agency slave

when i look back and think of all the experiences

savannah, georgia - paris, france,
rosie o'donnell, road trips, mardi gras
opening night parties
my brother's wedding, woody allen at the carlyle alongside my mom
the men: likes, lusts and loves
stepping onto the set of "sex and the city 2"
all of the paintings i didn't know were locked inside me
dreams happening, in real time

i look back and i'm grateful
but also realize how afraid i've been

at thirty comes a kind of timid wisdom

failure used to terrify me
not trying so hard seemed the smarter choice
i now feel that not trying my hardest WAS the ultimate failure

to look back and say i didn't succeed
because i couldn't allow myself to fail
i shake my head in bafflement, disappointed
so misguided
so.. young

i sit here
in the apartment on the upper east side of manhattan
that i actually own a piece of

settled spatially
afloat in most other areas

i look at the clock
the countdown creeps on

just what do you DO with your last few hours
as a twenty-something?

i will accidentally miss the last bikram yoga class of the day
watch "glee"
read "the help"
go to bed

the clock will strike midnight
and i will begin my 30th year

there won't be another man beside me
there won't be children's voices down the hall
or a pregnant wife
or roommates, even

tomorrow will be celebration
a huge dinner party
out on the town

but tonight it will just be me
and my dog
who's been by my side for over nine years now

if i look back at this
on the eve of my 40th birthday
i hope to be experiencing those moments
alongside a family that i've helped to create

like magic, out of the ether all around me

but
if it's still just me
and a dog

i will try and remind myself
as always
that the journey is the destination

and that your life is always in motion
speaking to you in whispers
waiting to be acknowledged
and every so often
changed...