"mountain" peaks and valleys

i watched "brokeback mountain" tonight

my god

had i only known
sitting there
in that movie theatre
in the kips bay area of new york
at 9:55 p.m.
on december 30th, 2005

that i was surrounded by so much death

i just don't know
that any of us
could have possibly carried on

i have the movie ticket
it tells me when i attended the film
and where

i certainly remember that it was with matt

but i can't quite remember
if he sat to the right of me
or to the left

it was to the right of me, i think
to the right of me, "i swear"

ennis lives but jack dies
jake lives but heath dies
chris lives but matt dies

and the earth just keeps on spinning

at one point in the film tonight
jack and ennis kiss
deep, hungry
famished even
real

i laughed out loud, watching it
uncomfortable
ecstatic

i wanted to rewind the dvd
and watch their bodies fill with joy
over and over again

but there's no rewinding life
so i let the movie play on

there's a lot of smoking in "brokeback"
and despite more or less quitting years ago
watching them, i needed a cigarette
bad

so i went downstairs to my neighbor friends
to 'borrow' one

and when i got back upstairs
i reached for a matchbook
the first one i saw in the drawer

sardi's
the theatre restaurant in times square

a matchbook i'd grabbed
after the last meal that matt and i shared

memories like land mines

everywhere
unannounced

ennis says to jack..
heath says to jake..
matthew says to chris..
& chris says to matt..

"it's because of you that i'm like this. i'm nothin'. i'm nowhere."

the movie ends
and the earth just keeps on spinning