lost, loved, gone

"Heath ledger just died."

i sent the text to a large group of friends and family members
just before 5:00 p.m. last tuesday
shocked
baffled
images, questions
shape-shifting in my mind

and then came their replies

"Really? How?"
"I know. It's spreading like wildfire. OD. Sad."
"I heard. That is nuts."
"What the fuck? brad renfro just died too."
"How?"
"That's horrible. What drug?"
"I heard sux."
"Really?"
"Omg"
"What! How?"

and so on
and so forth

it kind of makes no sense
how much a thing like this can affect us

when asked on her blog
if it was weird to be sad for someone you've never met
rosie o'donnell replied

"not weird at all
he will be river for todays teens
james dean to r parents
it is a national pain
many feel"

but

but

it is almost too raw for some
so finite
so forever

death, at one point
though terrifying
seemed almost wondrous to me

scandal
awe
interest
attention
ATTENTION above all
even love

finally it's all about you

but as john donne wrote so eloquently
"death, be not proud"

and lord it isn't

heath's body
so small atop that gurney
as wheeled out of 421 broome street
surrounded by strangers, gawkers, the blinding blaze of flashbulbs

god
he's so alone, i thought
i know it's just a shell
but his body is so alone

with his family in australia
michelle in sweden
and his friends god knows where

naked
face down
at the foot of the bed
with pills scattered about

no chance to defend himself
no chance to say
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! BELIEVE ME PLEASE! PLEASE, PLEASE BELIEVE ME!"
"I WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO MY BODY ON PURPOSE! I WOULD NEVER ABANDON MY CHILD!"
"LET ME EXPLAIN MYSELF! GOD, PLEASE! LET ME COME BACK AND TRY!"

you learn
in death
just how final it is

i've been haunted daily with the memories of things my boyfriend matt will never do again

& never is a hard concept to grab hold of
when you have no other choice

but the similarities between the two relationships continue to baffle me

chris and matt:
a two year relationship
time together, time apart
a shared home
the picture of idyllic bliss
struggle
drugs
a separation
continued contact
continued love
more struggle
and four months after the break
matt dies
suddenly, sordidly
heard snoring a few hours before the end
with pills nearby
but no immediate answers as to why or how
speculation
confusion
and grief beyond grief

michelle and heath:
a three year relationship
time together, time apart
a shared home
the picture of idyllic bliss
struggle
drugs
a separation
continued contact
continued love
more struggle
and four months after the break
heath dies
suddenly, sordidly
heard snoring a few hours before the end
with pills nearby
but no immediate answers as to why or how
speculation
confusion
and grief beyond grief

i had been upset about brad renfro
heath's death has taken me to an even darker place
their faces run through my mind
constantly

but
where does the anger go in times like these?
is there actually anyone to blame?

is it the addicts who feel they NEED to medicate?
the pharmaceutical companies who manufacture drugs so easily abused and dangerous when combined?
the doctors who over-prescribe time and again?

i feel the same way about prescription medication
as i do about guns

THEY ARE FAR TOO EASY TO OBTAIN
AND FAR. TOO. FUCKING. DANGEROUS.

i had thought
during those glazed-over weeks following matt's death
that i wanted some celebrity to die
that i REALLY wanted some famous person to perish
as a wake up call
to the drug lords
the slime doctors
and the kids who just need help

i had thought it would be britney
or amy winehouse

and i was perfectly willing
hopeful even
at the thought of hearing they'd passed on
because all i knew was that SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE

but now
there is only sadness
and no death feels warranted, justified, good

plus, what have we learned?
if any blame will be placed it'll go to mary kate olsen
or the masseuse who (gasp!) wasn't a licensed massage therapist
or some other innocent bystander caught in this web

divert
divert
divert

don't get mad at the accessibility of dangerous medications
because, believe it or not, the drug companies are more powerful than an olsen
and not nearly as fun to write about

i miss matt
and somehow brad and heath

this world takes so violently
so suddenly

and we're left here to carry on
shattered
cracked
forever altered

yet somehow,
somehow
forever grateful for their lives


Matthew Steven LaRoche
February 8, 1984 - September 22, 2007

Brad Barron Renfro
July 25, 1982 - January 15, 2008

Heathcliff Andrew Ledger
April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008