tonight.

it's raining outside.
the clock has turned to 12.

i am 26 years old now.
i am now
26

why are birthdays so hard for some of us?
i long to get to the root.

that grey has settled in again.
i don't blame january.
or work, entirely.
or people.
or even matt's death.

it's all that
but none of it too.

you feel it
like in the commercials
that ache
hollow
the lethargy
the inability to act
the hope that's sucked away

pendulums swing
roller coasters rise and fall
clocks tick on

things will improve
i know
you have to feel the blue to know the yellow
you have to weather night before a dawn


it's midnight and then some
my birthday morning has begun

i could be out
should be out, rather

the option to engage is nearly always there
it's just on us to accept it's invitation

the other night
i waited for the train to come
having just missed it, watching it speed by
i cursed myself
for staying that extra couple of minutes to talk to co-workers
for not having walked at a quicker pace
for whatever the fuck

i stood there
cold
underground
tense and raging

before the miracle occurred

JAZZ

a saxophone
music from above
skyward, heavenly
wafting through the subway grates

from the hotel lobby?
a merchant's boombox?
some street musician hoping for change?

a new york city miracle

jazz
long and smooth
rich, deep, sad, full, gorgeous

for three full minutes
before the next train came

there are no accidents
not in life
and not in public transport either


tonight
at work
fuming, confused by the synapses firing in my mind
angry that i cannot shake this AAGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

i wrote on post-it after post-it
'fuck you'
'fuck this'
'fuck, fuck, fuck'

before

from nowhere and everywhere at once
i wrote
without full grasp, knowledge
or even finger control

'I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR LIFE.'

'I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR LIFE.'

'I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR LIFE.'


i read (on a woman's purse) recently
that
"Your Outlook on Life is a Direct Representation of How You View Yourself"

i smiled
upon reading that
and thought
brief but hard

hmmmm...

my outlook on life?

and then
it came

"hard, sad, ultimately beautiful and totally worth it."


it's raining outside.
the clock has turned to 12.

i am 26 years old now.
i am now
26