mad as heck

my dad said something very wise tonight
something very wise indeed

i was angry
which happens pretty regularly
i suppose

but was particularly upset this evening
because
i had received a message
from an old acquaintance of mine
asking me to join the cast of a new play
workshopped at the williamstown theatre festival
and starting rehearsals in just a few weeks time

wonderful news
under most circumstances
but

i was frustrated
because
after getting excited at the idea
of being back up on stage again
i was reminded
via phone
by matt
that the dates of the show
directly conflicted
with
his collegiate graduation
for which he'd been insistent on me attending
and
for which i had already purchased tickets
to fly me to florida
come may

i was upset
not at matt
or at anyone else
for that matter
but just upset
at the luck i seemed to have
when it came to anything involving
the combination of florida
and professional acting opportunities

in the past
i'd been forced to miss
an important meeting
with m. night shyamalan's casting director
during one floridian jaunt

and at another point
had been required to inform directors
looking to potentially cast me as their lead
that i would be out of the state
for a full week
of their three week rehearsal process
so as i could attempt
to hold together
a long distance relationship
that desperately needed some face time

well
needless to say
i didn't get that part
which sort of bummed me out
and frankly
after this evening
i was pretty bummed again

see
the problem is that
i don't seek out acting work
nearly as often as i should
(which is my own fault)
so when opportunities are missed
it hits especially hard

and tonight
i just needed
someone to vent to
seek advice from
and
(if they were willing)
tell me exactly what to do

which is why i immediately
called home
to whine to my mother
but
ended up surprised
at the especially relevant advice
that came
from the unlikeliest of sources
my dad

it was in the midst of my moaning
in regards to this issue
"oh why me? why me?"
that he simply said
in response
that
"that's life, the constant struggle between family and work."

and it hit me like a rock

because
while i was particularly moved
that he would refer to my boyfriend
as family
and also especially moved
with the knowledge that he'd certainly
been forced to make this decision
time and time again
on our behalf
it registered even more
that he was right
about decisions just like these

that they never do go away
and that they are as much a part of life
as any
of the pure blessings
or any
of the pure shit

it should be noted that matt told me
i should stay in new york
and do the play
if i wanted to

and that my mom and dad
told me they'd support my decision
either way

so
now it's just me
alone
deciding what path my life should take

work
or
family?

family
or
work?

cause there are only so many hours in the day
and sometimes you can't have both