stage fright-mare

i often awake from a dream
aware, nervous
groggy but slightly panicked

the details of the dream are always different
but the scenario remains the same

a theatre, packed
as i stand in the wings of the stage
just peeking out at the crowd

i am about to go on
the costumes, scenery, details of my character and audience size
are never the same

but the reality is
i'm moments from stepping onto that stage
and i feel totally, utterly unprepared

it's a sort of phantom pain
the sensation or memory of a lost limb

i have not been on stage in years
but the dreams are as real as ever

in that time since my last play in 2004
i've worked regularly in commercials & featured work on film
but all the burly crew guys in the world
standing, waiting, watching
can't add up to even a pinch of the anxiety in knowing
that you're about to step before an audience
unsure within yourself

i often wonder about anxiety
what good it does, if any?

the damage caused by that racing heart
the heightened awareness that your shoulders have gone tense
how unavoidably unnecessary it is to pace and sweat

i suppose for some it gets worse the older they get
once the seriousness of life sets in
once a kind of now or never pressure makes itself clear

for me it's lessened greatly
though the dreams persist
and i find myself relishing in the new comfort
within my own skin

dreams, i think, can hold a mirror up
to all the different facets of our lives
reflecting on corners of our deeper selves
we didn't know were there

a dream tells a story
but not necessarily the obvious one

i'm panicked
about to step on stage

but the truth is that i'm not in a play right now
and have never been in one when i WASN'T fully prepared
so the dream is both irrational and untrue

irrational, untrue
but continuous and ultimately unavoidable

because of that
i'm reminding myself to always be prepared
to breathe deeply & take in every moment, especially the scary ones
to be brave
and to never truly fear other people

it's a process
until i lay my head down again