support. life.

he was hit by a car
or maybe it was a taxi
at around 5 o'clock am
wednesday morning
on bowery and 2nd

bruised
bloodied
bandaged
and hooked up
to every contraption imaginable
his blood pressure
pulse
and temperature
were still being carefully observed
when we arrived

it was the early afternoon
following brad's accident
that my mom first received the phone call
from his mother
in arkansas
who told us that she was on her way
that we didn't need to visit
but that she wanted us to know what had happened to her son

it was clear from the beginning
knowing my mom
that she would not be able to let that situation be
and felt that if her child was hurt
in a far off city
that she would want someone there
just to see that he was taken care of

when the two of us were finally cleared
for access into the hospital's emergency ward
brad remained in deep pain
and seemed understandably
confused
embarrassed
saddened
and upset

but throughout this horrific ordeal
with a grace and calm that i do not myself contain
this 20 year old boy
was at all times
more a gentleman
than i could ever be

"please"
"thank you"
"sir"
"ma'am"
to every person who visited him
from the chaplain
to the nurses
and from the doctors
to the insurance employee

when my mom and i had first arrived
at about 2 in the afternoon
his sister
who lives in brooklyn
and who he was visiting on his spring break
cried
while brad held back tears of his own
at, i imagine, having unexpected support
from people who he barely knows
but also
i am sure
at realizing
in that moment of seeing us come round the corner
the reality of what had happened
and at how
the unthinkable
had occurred
to him

"i'm sorry for you guys to have to see me like this"
he said at one point
and something like
"i'm so embarrassed"
he mentioned later on
"hey, you're gonna be just fine"
"and this is gonna make one hell of a story"
we joked back
trying against all odds
to lighten the load

we made all the jokes
that people make in these situations
we joked about the sedated woman two beds down
who was being watched by a string of police officers
and who was apparently all over the news
for (i'm not kidding)
stealing a mac truck
getting into a high speed police chase along the west side highway
being stopped by a crane placed in her truck's way
and crashing into a pole before attempting to run on foot
at which point she was taken down by a pack of police dogs
and put under heavy sedation
for screaming racist obscenities at the hospital employees

but aside from her
i joked that he was really leaving new york with a bang
his sister joked that he was just trying to extend his spring break
and he joked that now he'd always know
what it really meant
to say that you
feel like you've been hit by a truck

for me
(which this situation was clearly not at all about)
i just couldn't get over
how much of my heart went out to him
this person who i did not really know

sitting there between the hours of two and six
i was just so aware
of this vague yet overwhelming desire to comfort him
and how much i wanted to be someone who he would want
to hold his hand
or rub his feet
to take some measure of that hurt away

i so badly wanted to be his mother
or anyone who could stroke his hair
and who he could cry in front of

i so badly wanted to be his girlfriend
or anyone who could take him out of this reality
if only for a moment

as unimaginably difficult as all of this must have been for him
it was also a little bit difficult
for me
to be so powerless
in taking that pain away

that being said
i took it upon myself
to be as proactive as possible
in the tasks that i could accomplish
and in the tasks that would be allowed
by him

when his neck brace continued to cause extreme discomfort
i arranged for a more fitted version
and when he started to get hot
i asked nurse mary for any help that she could provide
so, shortly thereafter
two ice packs
arrived
and were placed under his arm pits
where the glands are most heavily concentrated
and where they can do the most good

when i asked if there was anything more that he needed
a book
a magazine
a video game
a drink
he said
with that weak smile ever present
that "a sprite sounds good"
and after checking with the nurses
who said that a couple of sips would be fine
i ran through the halls of bellevue hospital
to find the nearest vending machine
and grabbed
a bottle of sierra mist
(the closest alternative on the premises)
which i handed to him
and helped him to drink
uncomfortably
through a straw

my mom and i waited
with this 20 year old friend of the family
for the afternoon
while his 23 year old Yale educated sister
went home to brooklyn to gather some clothes
and grab a sandwich
before she headed back

this boy
excuse me
this man
who was visiting his sister tara
on his spring break from college
was struck by a vehicle
after a night spent out with friends
who had also happened to be in town

he was brought to the emergency ward
where after many hours
his vitals were stabilized
and at this point
was held for observation
while his mother
a good friend of my mom's
made her plane arrangements
to get to his side

an event like this changes anyone who is touched by it
there is no simple answer to the why or how
there is no immediate or tangible change that comes as its result
i have no sudden desire to go into medicine
my mom will be headed back to arkansas where she will be at work the next day
brad's mother karon arrived in new york this evening
and will be taking brad home with her soon
where he will begin
what will hopefully be a fast recovery
while his sister
i am sure
will return to work as well

but

it's really scary
to see someone like that
to know that they'll live
and thrive
and forget about all this in time

but

to be there
in front of someone
who is feeling so much pain
and embarrassment
and anger
and hurt
to be there
and to not be able to touch them
or cure them
or take that ache away

it's terrible
and a piece of my heart
broke off that day
some of it returned to arkansas with brad
some of it departed for brooklyn with his sister
and the rest made its way home with my mom
who
could not imagine
letting him
be alone.