Barbara Walters Interview

It has been very hard to write lately. I've been holding back a lot on a deeply personal level. Holding back things that I don't particularly feel belong in a public-ish forum. Things that maybe other people don't even deserve to hear. But it's been hard to get past thinking about these things without addressing them in some way. And I'm tired of searching for something else to write about. So here comes the outpouring. Look away now if you're either easily offended, fundamentally disinterested or... my parents.

My boyfriend Matt and I have been having some troubles. Problems stemming from the fact that we are in the final stretch of the long-distance portion of our relationship, a time spent more or less apart for the past seven months. Our story began after meeting last summer in New York and has up until this point defined my life as a human being navigating the rocky terrains of romance, commitment, sexual awareness and trust. Matt left in September to finish his last semester as an undergraduate college student in Florida and since that point we have experienced many ups and downs but have made this relationship work with the concerted effort to travel and see each other at least once a month and to talk on the phone often five or ten times a day.

I love him. I've missed him. I've been frustrated by him but have particularly been frustrated by our incredible physical distance apart. The incredible, undeniable divide. I've also been afraid of the non-stop train of motion headed towards for-real, no turning back couple-dom. As a young man who was always deeply envious of his parents' love story, two people who are still married and have been since my mother was 20 and my father 23, it turns out that I'm not quite ready for that kind of a commitment. Not now anyways. Truth be told, I'm terrified of it. Not because I need casual sex or that I lack any kind of emotional or physical fulfillment that Matt isn't able to give me. Maybe it's living in a city like New York, where people just don't settle down as quickly. Maybe it's because I'm a gay man. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid to close any windows at the age of twenty four. But despite my deeper, unquantifiable apprehensions, I remain deeply committed to this person and to this day am still whole-heartedly in love.

We have agreed to take a bit of time away from speaking in the effort to revitalize the spark that we've shared since day one and also to remind ourselves just what we would be missing if we were to royally fuck this up after so much time. If I do say so myself, it's working. And I am committed to going at least a little bit longer. A few text messages aside, it's been almost a week now since I've spoken to Matthew, certainly the longest period of time since I've known him. And it has not been easy. Nor has it been unbearable feeling to some degree like a "free agent" again. The single life in many ways does suit me. But life without that person who changed you, maybe for the first time, maybe for the last, is never, ever easy. And I greatly look forward to the day when I will hear his voice again. Not so much as that afternoon in early May when I will attend his graduation and set into action the plans for his permanent move to New York City, but every day can bring its own small gift.

This wasn't meant to be easy to read. For the first time ever I am making little effort to overtly analyze, spell check or proof-read. I'm not trying to be poetic or even particularly engaging. And of the very few people who do read this online experiment that I'm creating, certainly many of you will have given up on this "entry" by now. It isn't light or breezy. It isn't brooding but justifiably short. It isn't filled with puns or witticisms. But I needed to get some of this out of me. And I hope that what I'm writing in no way hurts you, Matt. Dare I say, I know you well enough to gather that it won't. But it has been because of you that I have waited this long.

It should also be mentioned that the root of these problems, aside from my own frustrations at our distance, is the fact that I cheated. Not for the first time since we've been apart. Though every time he or I have "slipped" it's been confessed to the other and handled in the best way possible. There are certain extenuating circumstances that arise when two young people attempt to make what many consider the impossible obstacle of a long distance relationship last. But this time I felt I needed more. In this last three months of our time apart, the time when Matt was to be the most inundated with his school and work and thusly, the least available to me. I felt I needed drinks, conversation, someone to flirt with and then take home. It was simply a desire that I could have resisted but in all honesty felt that I shouldn't have to. And Matt was made aware of this longing well before any action towards it was taken.

That's all more or less in the past. One afternoon with a seemingly kind and understanding fellow satiated that desire to some degree. And I am more than willing to wait the next month and a half until Matt and I can be together again. But I am not so consumed with self as to be unaware that my actions, my needs and my curiosity could paint me a villain in others' eyes. And to be perfectly honest, I'm okay with that.

Love is easy. But relationships are hard. Making your way through this world while steadfastly maintaining a desire for openness, connection, whole-being-fulfillment and truth can be difficult. But I would not change one choice or one day of our relationship for the world. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and I am happy with where we are today. The future looks bright from where I stand. Every decision that we've made as a couple and every obstacle that we've tackled as one has been in the pursuit to make this relationship work. Our story is in no way finished. The journey has only just begun.

I might be afraid of forever today. But I'm not afraid of tomorrow right now.