wake-up "calling"

i was woken up this morning by a knock at the door...

"ugh"
sleepy-eyed
with a sore-throat
out til 5 am the night prior

"must be con edison" ran through my head
"or the super coming back to check on repairs he'd made yesterday"
"maybe it's even a package that they need me to sign!"

at any rate
i wasn't nearly lucid enough
to give it much thought
as i stumbled from my bed towards the knocking
pulling on a t-shirt as i moved

when i finally threw open the door
i was more than a little shocked to find
two mormon missionaries
standing right before me

"oh god"
i said, without thinking
standing in an oversized t-shirt and purple-striped boxers

"good afternoon. we're here from the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints to see if you've got a minute to talk about the power of jesus christ?"

i stood
breathing in
then shook my head
waiting for the words to come

for some reason as a gut-reaction
i lowered my face to the ground
suddenly, inexplicably fixated on the floor
and said the only thing that came to mind...

"oh, you don't want to talk to me.."

it was all i could come up with.

the dark haired (speaking member) then replied
"of course we do.. why wouldn't we want to talk to you?"

i looked at my feet, i could feel my cheeks burn
and answered
"the list is too long"

the thing is
it's amazing how people can alter your reality completely
in the absolute blink of an eye

it's crazy how their mere presence can
suddenly make a self-assured person feel utterly ashamed

unnatural, dirty, wrong

i don't feel ashamed
i don't feel unnatural
i don't feel dirty
i don't feel wrong

i just now feel the need to repeat that to myself
over and over again

they didn't mean any harm, these two young men
they didn't come here to judge me, necessarily
obviously they believe that this is their "calling"

but here they were
white shirts, "elder this-and-that" name tags, black backpacks
giving me full mormon costume
like they'd stayed out too late the morning after halloween

the one who did the talking seemed simple, kind, pure even

and here i was
after another long night
of drink, smoke etc.
feeling dried out, weary
and more than a little turned on by the sight of them

thinking to myself, if only for an instant
that maybe my life is wrong?

that maybe there is a better way?

but then i stopped
took an assessment of the situation
and reminded myself that i fundamentally don't believe
in forcing your religion on anybody else

if your relationship with a higher power is so strong
then why do you need other people involved to enjoy that?

it's a special, deeply profound relationship with a god, by any name
experienced only in the landscape of your own head and heart
it's certainly not a mass exodus
or an orgy

i also took a moment to affirm
that i'm still a good person
that i am more than just the previous night's debauchery
that there's beauty and calm and connectedness to the universe
within me as well

the only real difference between me and these two gentlemen
are the labels we put on "god"

that, and the fact i'm not currently standing beside another man
dressed for the afternoon ahead
with a pamphlet in my hand