Vintage II

Originally written in my journal
April 14, 2005

About a year ago, in my last semester of school, I was given an assignment at my Film and Television Acting Studio. Two days ago, buried in the back of an old binder, I found the results.


"Letter to Me as a 9 year old person"

Wow. I'm so confused. I don't know what I want to do or what these feelings are inside of me or why I don't belong better. I want friends. Why don't I have real friends? What is the matter with me and what do I need to do to belong? I love art. I love it. I love drawing and painting and sculpture and photography. I like to make things because I know that they will be here forever. And I know that I will not be. I'm ready to be old. I'm ready to live somewhere in a big city like Orlando and be an animator and then I can work at Disneyworld and be around the Disney movies before anyone else and help to draw the characters and create new ones like Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I would love to draw all day long and be around the magic of the Disney Kingdom and live where it is warm and sunny and I would be grown up and have a house and a yard and palm trees of my own. I don't know what feelings are inside of me. So many of them don't make sense but they still feel good for some reason. anyway. I like my family but I don't have good friends and I would like them. I wish I was better at sports cause I think it would make dad happier and Will is good at sports and I can see that that makes dad happy. I wish I could make him proud like Will seems to. I think that some of the boys that play sports with Will look good and seem nice but I don't belong with them. I'm too grown up for them. I'd rather be in my room.


"Letter to Me as an 80 year old person"

Wow. Where did all these years go? My body hurts. I feel achey and tired and I sleep all day long. What have I done with my life? I feel like I did so much but what has it all amounted to? I had two kids. I love them so much and now they have big kids of their own. I was open and honest and gay in a time when it was a little scary to be so. I loved and I lost and loved some more and here at the end it is just me. I spent WAY too much time worrying about getting sick when I should have lived just a little bit more. I was pretty damn crazy in my day though. I didn't have nearly enough sex. I spent far too much time alone. I still miss my parents. I so miss so many people. The things that mattered in my life were my family and art- in all its forms. The love that I felt which was never felt in return, the love that was felt towards me which I couldn't force upon myself. The beauty of the day to day. The magic of youth. The endless fears and possibilities. Wow I'm old. Sleep suits me now. I've lived in full. Success and failure. The hard and effortless. The blessings- all of them. Thank you for life. It is truly magic and in some small, important way - so was I.