alone and with

life really can be like the movies

not an hour ago,

under a statue of columbus and the moon

in the center of Astoria, Queens

i watched as my boyfriend climbed into a bus headed for LaGuardia

smiling i waited
staring up
as he, flustered,
made his way deeper and deeper inside

a lowering, a fade, a sadness, a truth
as he did not look back
when it drove away

a short while later
after missing the first train back to Manhattan
i stood shivering
on an outdoor subway platform
the triborough bridge glowed ahead of me
a burger king loomed behind

thousands of white lights headed forward
while thousands of red lights hurried away

beautiful and sad life passing
ugly and awful too

once on the next train
destined
many stops passed
a particularly downbeat playlist continued
as i thought of matt
and what i'd write about this evening

a song i've never much cared for
maybe one of twenty sung in french
began without my noticing it

i shook myself out of the
post departure
post playlist
post intercourse
trance

just in time to see how far into manhattan we'd gotten
having passed 14th street
on the n,r,q,w
whatever
a face to my left appeared

so similar
but not in a million years
from paris
jacques
the boyfriend of a friend
a frenchman
she'd met him while studying there
and fallen in love

i know this man
i've been to his chateau in normandy
smoked hookahs with him
he's taken me to the theatre at montmartre
taught me phrases en francais

he was kind to me
at my most lost ever
when many others weren't
when many others could have been

he never smelled too great
but was handsome
and hilarious
and honest
and him

what could he be doing here?
how much could his life have changed?
a new continent
a new language
a new livelihood
perhaps, a new everything

or maybe just on business
a few years ahead of us college kids
he looked older than he had before
as do we all
not quite the same sparkle eyes
not quite the same grin

he was alone
as was i

and it was with great nervousness
and hesitation
that i stood
a million questions running through my mind

and passing by the place where he sat,
exited the train
at the location
where i currently live