warm, wet, heat, light

i attended an alcoholics anonymous meeting last night
i went to support a friend who has been sober for almost three years
i went to finally see this organization for myself

entering the cavernous christ church in midtown, i was first hit with the wall of heat that sat stagnant in the room
apparently either alcoholics or churches do not like air-conditioning
and soon after i was hit with the shock that there were simply so many people inside

hundreds were spread throughout the dark, massive room
faint light shone through pane glass and a quiet rustling flowed throughout the fanning, shifting masses

the young, the well-dressed, the very, very old
all were in attendance
and from our seat in the next to the last pew, many seemed to be taking the meeting about as seriously as an in-flight movie or the announcement to buckle your seat-belts

after a few short orders of business and what struck me as "the a.a. code of honor" (a collective reciting of rules and standards set in place to keep the "anonymous" part of alcoholics anonymous in tact)
the proceedings got under way

the set-up was lecture style
not the small, circular discussions involving ten or twelve coffee cradling "fragile-types" that i had more or less expected to see from my experience watching television or movies

the hundreds were there to listen first to two ten minute speeches and after a break, to one thirty minute speaker
all seemed relatively unimpressed

the speakers each began with their names "Hi, I'm ..." followed by "and I'm an alcoholic."

the first speaker, a small nervous gay man who listed his "Sobriety date: September 10, 1995," spoke of a wild past, of trying to fit in and of finally realizing that he had a problem the night he found himself drunk, alone and stabbed in the street

his delivery was short, specific and almost stuttering. he seemed anxious and afraid to be in front of so many people but he never got emotional
he told the congregation that the answer to his problems came when he knew to "ask god for help. I did and my life was never the same."

he stopped talking about himself once his ten minutes ended
the group of fellow alcoholics clapped
and he exited to his left and out of my view

the next speaker was a brunette thirty-something with a Valley Girl accent
she listed her sobriety date as "November 15, 2004" and talked of how she never did and never has actually enjoyed the taste of alcohol
but that like any good alcoholic, she tried every kind she could in an attempt to find the one that stuck

as a twelve year old child the Valley Girl began drinking and found the taste of screwdrivers to be "disgusting" but loved that "warm, soothing feeling" that came when she could " get out of myself"
get out of the "social pressures"

she also repeatedly mentioned her nervousness
and that the alcohol had led to drugs but that she wouldn't be going into that part of her life as this was specifically alcoholics anonymous

she talked of how much better her life was without drinking
she talked of how she didn't know where she would be without this organization
without this system of checks and balances
she, like the small, nervous gay man, also never got especially emotional
and as a result, I gathered, neither did many of the hundreds of people in attendance

she too left the stage to the sound of applause
and i did not see where she headed

when she was finished it was announced that any alcoholic under ninety days should stand up and admit it to the crowd

name
alcoholic
number of days sober
1.
2.
3.

no microphones were used, so i found it impossible to hear anyone other than those people five rows in front of me
but a buff, beaming Chelsea man stood up and with a masculine wave announced
"Hi, I'm Dave. I'm an Alcoholic. 17 days."

at the break my friend asked if we could leave
i was interested in staying
but my friend was hot and tired and mentioned that the final speaker was old and spoke all the time
i was there for my friend and not for myself
so we left

and instead of hearing the old man who clearly had much more to say
we went to teany on the lower east side and read magazines and shared a peanut butter bomb


alcoholism
addiction
a compulsive physiological and psychological need

i in no way have an addictive personality
quitting cigarettes was more or less a breeze
if drinks are around and i'm not thirsty, they rarely go inside of me
drugs, i've tried enough in my lifetime, & sometimes it can be hard to say no
but i never, ever want more in the morning

it's hard for me to understand how a.a. can work for these people
how this can be the only way

replacing the bar with the church seems a hard-sell to make
the foundation of a.a. being a higher power or jesus or god must be confusing to those who feel there is nothing truly to believe in

it works
better than anything else
is all i know
we are stronger in packs
and you cannot go it alone in this world

i'm proud of my friend
and of every person in that church

we don't choose the demons inside ourselves
some combination of biology, or habit, of availability or nature or nurture determines that for us

we don't choose the demons inside ourselves
but we can, with the help of something more, choose to set them free